See YA Later Doris

This morning I woke up around 5:45 . I hadn’t slept much at all . Sundays in this town are not the same. My regular cafe haunts are not open and for some reason ;sitting at a Tim Hortons is not the same; but I needed a coffee. I have instant coffee at home ; but that doesn't have the same kick as a steaming hot cup of java.

I walked up my street ; passed the local drug store and stopped into Tim Hortons. I ordered my extra large double-double and sat down; pulling out my journal .

I had only started to write when I felt eyes burning the back of my head . I turned around and there was a granmotherly type woman looking over my shoulder.

“So , you like to write do you ? ” she said
“Yeah I do ” I answered
“Well then ; if you like to write; maybe you should say the words as they were meant to be said ”
“What do you mean ?” I asked
” When I asked if you liked to write ; you answered “Yeah I do ” . You should have said “Yes I do”
“Everyone says something in slang ” I told her.
“Well ! I am not everyone and neither are you. I am someone and so are you” she replied
“What do you like to write about ? What\’s your name ? I like to know who I am having a conversation with. I am Doris” she added
“My name\’s Joe and I write about whatever is on my mind” I said
“Well then Joe ; it appears nothing is on your mind this morning. There is barely anything written down ”

I wondered ; how could I write anything down when I had this woman talking to me . To talk to her and write would be rude.

“I am 83 years old Joe and I still keep a diary. I\’ve been writing in in since I was a child.”

Doris went into her handbag and pulled out a burgundy book with some embroidered design on it. It had a little brass button and gold cord to fasten it shut.

The journal I have with me today is nothing more than a binder with lined paper in it.

“That\’s a very nice diary Doris ” I said
“It\’s not about the paper or the pens you use to write Joe. A nineteen cent pen can convey the same messages and thoughts as one of those fancy gold pens ” Doris remarked

I wondered if there was still nineteen cent pens .
“I will leave you alobe to write Joe . I have people waiting at a table for me . I hope I didn\’ bother you ”
“Not at all Doris. It was nice talking to you”

Doris walked over to her table where another woman and gentleman were sitting .

“See ya later Joe ” she said as she walked from my table
“Hey Doris” I said “If you are going to say something; maybe you should say the words as they were meant to be said”
She walked back to my table . “What do you mean Joe?”
“You said “see YA later” . You should have said See you later ”
She smiled and said ” Yes. You are correct-smartass ! ”
She smiled once more and went back to her table .
I wasn\’t sure what to write about. I drank my coffee-touched Doris on the shoulder as I left Tim Hortons and said “see ya later ”

“A kindly old woman ;about five foot three
Talking at the donut shop; just her and me

A diary of burgundy\’ with so many stories told
Hands full of liver spots -eighty three years old

Wrinkled hands-hair of grey
This morning was a very good day

I met Doris -a grandmotherly type
With a 19 cent pen I sit here and write

“See ya later Doris”

Ring upon my finger

Upon my finger; I wear a ring
Not made of any precious metal ; but still; a valued thing

It has no gemstones that shine and glisten
I wear it in memory of one who listened

Not made of silver, not made of gold
I love you friend; your story is told.

Upon my finger; I wear a ring
In my mind ; it means all things

It tells so many stories of love and pain
I will never know anpther ; quite like you again .

I Love You ! my distant friend ; yet one who was so close in my heart xo

The One in The Picture

There are flickers of light dancing off my walls . They are the only lights I have on in the house tonight. I am laying on the floor with my fuzzy blue blanket as a barrier between me and the dingy brown carpet. I am leaning on my elbows; hands under my chin . The lights enchant me ; taking me away from this little hole of an apartment ; but at least I have a home . I am laying on the floor ;pretty well under my Christmas tree. It's funny how this year I seem to be the first one with my tree up . Yesterday my Mom put up her tree and I strung the lights. Last year I didn't put up a tree.

This year for some reason I did . Amid all the strung lights; which are flickering and baubles on my tree are pictures of my friends ; both my facebook friends and others . The year is almost over. In comparison to other years 2009 hasn't been my greatest. I have lost my job and some friends; yet I have gained many more; whose pictures are on my tree. I've made it further than I would have thought. I am out of the dark now . Moreso than I would have though. Even the ones who are no longer in my life; pictures of them are on my tree.

My journal is sitting next to me . Once in awhile I pick up my pen and I write in it . There is a picture less than six inches from my face. That picture is the reaosn I pick up my pen and write in my journal tonight. For the past two weeks or so I have been working on a story ; a real life story. I have only been writing it about two weeks but the events over the past year have lead me once again to write it.

I write and put down my pen constantly ; thinking my writing isn;t doing the one in the picture any justice. I already know what the beginning the middle and end of the story is . I can't change how it ends; even though I wish I could . I don't even know if when it is finished if I will post it or not. No one here knows the one in the picture. As much as I love to write ; this is a difficult one to finish . It's a real life story . I can't change the ending. But ; maybe like someone told me ; it may give someone a new beginning . I just hope the one in the picture would have liked how I wrote his story .

My First Crush-My Ponytailed Princess

It was grade 2 or 3 I first fell in love . At least a 8 or 9 year old type of love . Sigh ! I remember it well. It was at a country school called Littles Corners Public School . Her name was Janice. She sat directly in front of me in class. I think I fell in love with her pony tail wrapped up tight in that red elastic band with the two bright yellow plastic balls . I was always temped to grab the elastic band and let it snap just to see her reaction .

One day I fell to temptation. SNAP !!!!

WAAAH !! She howled . How could two little yellow plastic balls cause her to cry out. I was soon going to find out. She pulled the elastic from her hair . She placed one end of the elastic on the thumb of her right and held the other end between her thumb and index finger. She pulled it back ; like an arrow on a bow and let it go .

That little elastic band had some force behind it . WAAAH ! That time it was me. The elastic and those two little yellow plastic balls came full force hitting me just under my right eye; smacking into my cheek bone.

"THERE! Hows that feel Joey ? It doesn't tickle ; does it ? " Janice said ; not so sweetly
The love of my 2nd or 3rd grade . The one who had the cutest; well kempt pony tail had made me cry ; but yet there was something thrilling about it .

At recess we would chase each other around the old school bell which was set up on a rock base. In the winter time we would slide down the hill on our backs ; using our jackets as our sleds. In the springtime I would stick my hand in the neighbouring fence and pull flowers from the garden ; only to be left with the stem in my hand. I offered it to her . She gave me look of dismay and disgust. "That's not a flower Joey; that's a stem.

Was there no pleasing this girl ? The year ended and it was summer vacation . In the fall; on return to school we were in the same class yet again . YES !!!

But along with a new year came some new students . SIGH ! The love of second or third grade had moved on . She had found a new boy .

So there I sat behind another girl who had a ponytail ; not quite as nice or as long or as well kempt as Janice . Should I ? I let it go . There was no one quite like my pony tailed princess Janice .

One Person One Voice One Vote One Difference

I was reading through a book this morning and I cam across this .
'It is written by Edward Everett Hale

"I am only one
But still I am one
I cannot do everything
but I can still do something
And becuase I can not do everything
I will not refuse to do the something I can do "

Its easy to think that one voice or one vote or one opinion cannot always make a difference to the world as a whole . It can however make a difference to one person ; and isnt that a good starting point . I came across these in a book as well .

In 1645 one vote gave Oliver Cromwell control if England
In 1776 one vote gave America the English language rather than German
In 1875 one vote changed France from a Monarchy to a republic
In 1923 one vote gave Adolph Hitler control of the Nazis

Just one vote ; one voice can and did make a vast difference. That one vote or voice is not always a positive thing. That is why it is important to vote or voice your opinion. It does make a difference.

I won't "give it up already" as some have told me and not always in such sugar coated ways . I write about things I care about and believe in . That is how I voice my opinion.

I may be just one person with one voice but I know I do make a difference in a few peoples lives .

What about you ?

Limbs now bare-like boney fingers

Underneath this tree I sit ; like so many times before
Names carved in with a pocket knife ; both mine and yours

It was summertime; leaves protected us from the sun
It's limbs now bare; like bony fingers
Yet ; those memories linger

The ground I sit on is cold to the touch
But this tree-this park; it means so much

After running through this park
Sometimes even after dark

We'd sit beneath this big oak tree
Just you -Just me

We stepped away from the world outside
We'd sit on the swings and slide down the slide

We'd rest our backs upon the tree
And talk of things; we'd wish would be

Underneath that tree I sit; upon the the frosty grass
You are no longer in the present ; yet ; a gem of my past

It's limbs now bare; like boney fingers
Yet ; so many great memories forever will linger

Unfinished

This is what I have been working on the last few days. There are times when I dont know if I can emotionally finish it becuase I already know how it ends. I get drawn into my own writing sometimes as most writers do. I feel every emotion the characters feel and hear the voices and sentiment behind the words. This is incomplete as I post it. I may finish it up . The names are not real ; however the characters are. Flaws and all. Its life.

It was pretty well like any other bungalow . Set back from the tree lined streets.
Inside the kitchen a woman stands by the kitchen sink wiping her hands on a dishtowel
“Hey Mom I‘m home” Cody yells as he goes and gets a glass of juice from refrigerator
“Hey Cody“ his Mom asks “anything new ?”
“ I’m going to head up to my room and fill out the applications for college mom “
“Let me know if you need help filling them in “
“Hey I am the honour student Mom “Cody replies puffing out his chest in mock bravado
“ There’s the one who needs help mom -not sure if he can write his own name . Cody‘s brother Brian walks into the kitchen and Cody points at him
“Your such a dick Cody “ Brian says tossing a loaf of bread at him hitting him on the head
“Hey watch your mouth “ Mom yells The two young men play fight in the kitchen and Mom goes about her chores

“ I’m going to work on Dad‘s car for a bit Mom; I‘ll be back in time for supper” Brian says as he enters the garage from the kitchen
Cody gives Brian one final friendly punch and heads to his bedroom .

Stretched out on the bed ; legs crossed at the ankles, chewing a pen with his mp3 player in his ears . He rummages through his side table and pulls out a notebook tucked under a few stacked books . He flips through the pages and pulls out a letter. Cody slides up on the bed a bit and settles; shifting the pillows under his head . He reads :

Cody; you have to know by now how much I really like you . Rather , I think it has progressed to love . Although we haven’t said those three words yet - your eyes tell me that you do. When we were at the bowling alley last week it was hard not to make it obvious with everyone around. I am sure someone must have seen how we looked at each other. We aren’t kids anymore . I am so proud of you that you are headed off to college. Who knows ? I may be there next year . Maybe we can be roomies . Can’t wait to see you on Friday night xoJ

Cody folded up the letter and placed it back between the pages of the book. He tucked the book beneath the others in the side table. Cody wondered ;if his life was like a book ; what chapter in life would he be in . Would he hide in the pages of a book . A book not completely written . He had to hide his true story ;at least for now . Cody shut the drawer on the night stand and stretched a bit and wiped his eyes . He knew he was in love. He just wished it come at a better time . Yet; love is like that . It kind of jumps up and blindsides us. We accept it and embrace it for how long we have it in our lives.

He started filling in his college forms with music blasting in his eardrums . He was listening to Secondhand Serenade ; one of his favourites.

“Cody ; dinners on the table” He could barely hear his Mom calling him . He threw the applications on the bed and went to the kitchen and took his usual place at the table .
“Cody . No music at the table please” his Dad requested
“Sure thing Dad; I am so used to having them on, I almost forgot.

Mom had made lasagna and garlic bread and salad . Lasagna was Cody’s favourite
“Help yourselves guys; I’m not the waiter” Mom said “The tip jar is beside the butter dish”

“I was thinking we could go fishing tomorrow after the sun sets boys . Who’s in ?:” Dad asked
“Sorry Dad; would like to but a bunch of us are going bowling tomorrow “ Cody replied
“I’ll go Dad and out fish you AGAIN !” Brian answered

When dinner was finished they cleared the table and did the dishes . Cody washed them and Brian dried and put them away . Cody grabbed a handful of suds and wiped it in Brian’s face and sang “Everybody wash up! Everybody Wash up ! “ and did a silly dance.
“You are such an ass Cody ! “
With that Brian grabbed Cody by the head and pushed his face into the sink. Cody pulled his face out and it was covered in suds . Brian and Cody howled like banshees. Cody went to grab a towel and in doing so slipped in a puddle on the floor. Crash ! Down he went .

“What are you boys doing in there? “ Mom yelled from the living room
“Cody’s busting a move Mom” Brian yelled back
“Sounds like your busting more than a move in there guys” Mom responded

The boys cleaned up the mess and joined their parents in the living room . Brian sat on the Easy Chair and Cody sat between his parents. They sat and watched television until the news ended and they all headed off to bed.

Cody was back in his room; headphones in his ears . Tomorrow was Friday . Cody was pumped to go bowling with his friends. He went to his bureau and pulled out his jeans and a t-shirt ; setting them atop; ready for the morning. Cody hopped in the shower,sudsing up and sudsing off. Stepping out of the shower he grabs his pyjama bottom and slips them on.

Back in his room he grabs his notebook from the side table and writes:

I’m waiting on tomorrow to see you . As much as I enjoy talking to you on the phone or messenger; standing next to you and looking into your eyes is so much better. I think you are right . I think how I feel about you has progressed into love. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow !!”

Cody was kind of new at writing in his journal but lately he wrote in it everyday .

DING ! Someone had signed onto messenger . Cody rolled the chair out from the desk ; plopped down and rolled back up to the computer screen .

“Hey John . How are you . I am glad you are online . I really need someone to talk to” is what Cody typed
Onto the keyboard.
“What’s up Cody ? “ was the response
“Something I can’t really get into right now John but hey : I read what you sent me. It came at a really good time. You definitely know how to write and get your thoughts across” Cody responded “ Hey .thanks for being there . I’ll let you know how bowling turns out. Goodnight “

“Goodnight Cody “ John replied and then signed off.

Friday seemed to drag on and on. Cody wanted it to be seven o’clock now. He wanted to be at the bowling alley with his friends; especially one .

Cody checked his emails one more time. He then wrote one entry in his journal :

I’m literally pacing my room waiting so I can see you . I’m kind of on the fence about the entire thing; the entire relationship. I’m heading off to college in the fall. You will still be here. I know we have discussed meeting up on weekends. One weekend you will meet me and the other week I will come back and visit you here, As much as I feel whole when I am with you ; I feel like I am falling into a million pieces and being pulled in so many directions. You’ve met my parents. As much as I love them ;I know they won’t accept me . They are all about image in this ultra conservative town . Heck ; my Dad leases a car every year and tells people he buys them outright . I can’t even say the word myself. The word literally means joyful or happy. I’M GAY ! I’M GAY ! I’M GAY ! But why do I feel so unhappy . I can write it but I can’t say it . No one will see what I write in this journal . It is all about my thoughts. Things I cannot or will not allow myself to let others know . The other night I went for a walk to the park . I was so tempted to carve our initials into a tree ; like so many other couples. Couple ? Are we a couple ? We aren’t even officially dating . We
See each other with others around . Last year I dated Julie from down the street for close to three months . As sweet as she was and as much fun we had ; there was no real emotional sparks and no physical connection. Julie even asked me once in a polite manner if I was gay. I told her no and asked her why she would even ask that . She said it was because I never made any moves on her. I told her it was because I am a gentleman and a gentle man ;which I am . I realized almost immediately I had lied to Julie . I wasn’t ready to tell anyone then and I don’t know if I ever will be ready

Cody looked up from his journal and checked the time . It was close to six o’clock. Cody couldn’t believe how much he had written in such a short time but he had a lot on his mind. He closed his journal and tucked it away.

“Okay Mom; I am heading out now, I’ll see you later”
“Have fun Cody” Mom yelled back

Cody closed the door behind him and he walked on down the street heading to the bowling alley .

“Hey Guys !! Everyone here yet ?” Cody asked
“Just waiting on Justin .”

Cody glanced around and went to the juke box and slid a bill into the machine . He selected his songs and went back to the group sitting at the table . In walked Justin . Cody smiled widely and Justin smiled back.

“Sorry Guys , I had to walk. My dad’s out of town so I had to walk down” Justin told them
“Music’s already playing. Let’s bowl ! “

Everyone put on their shoes and the bowling began . There was so much laughter and horseplay . A few times the manager shot them a look .

“Ok guys we just got the look “ Justin said ; arching his eyes and making a grimace

They stayed bowling , listening to music and dancing in the alleys until close to eleven.

“ I have to head out now guy . I’ve got a long walk ahead of me “ Justin announced
“ I should get going too. I’ll walk part way with you Justin” Cody said

Everyone left the alley at the same time . Justin and Cody walked while the other three got into their rides.

“Hey , you want a ride home boys “ It was Mike’s dad
“No . We’re good to go ; but thanks:” Cody yelled back

The cars pulled out of the parking lot and Cody and Justin walked on towards their homes.

“I wasn’t sure if you would show up tonight”
“And not see you Cody- no chance.” Justin said

Cody and Justin walked on passing the park.
“Hey do you want to sit for a bit. I have something to tell you Justin”

Justin got a look of dread on his face,
“Hey , it’s nothing for you to worry about Justin” Cody said rubbing Justin’s shoulder.

Cody ran full forward to the swings . Justin quickly ran after him; losing his footing and doing a face plant in the sand . Cody laughed so hard he fell off his swing; landing beside Justin. They both lay there ; laughing like there was no tomorrow .

Almost like a choreographed move; they both reached towards each other and held hands. They lay on their backs staring up into the night sky.

“Justin. Have you ever made a wish on a star ?”
“Almost always Cody and always the same one. Right now, it came true .
Cody snickered. You’re such a romantic Justin. I do declare ! “ batting his eyelashes
“And you’re such an ass wad Cody”

Laughing , Justin grabbed Cody and they wrestled around on the ground . Cody pinned Justin to the ground with his hands holding Justin’s arms.

“Resistance is futile me matey ! Arg ! “ Cody said looking into Justin’s eyes
“Does it look like I’m resisting Captain Jack Sparrow ?” Justin replied and then added “ Oh Wait ! Johnny Depp’s much hotter than you . “

They both laughed.
Cody moved closer to Justin and kissed him softly on the lips and released Justin’s arms. Justin kissed back . They looked into each others eyes and they both knew it for sure. It was real .

“I love you Cody “ Justin was the first to say it
“I love you too Justin; but its not going to be easy on either of us”
“we’ll get through it Cody . It will be okay”

They lay there . Cody gave Justin a kiss on the lips and then on the forehead.
“I love you for what’s in there”
Cody moved to Justin’s upper chest and kissed it.
“and for what’s in there”
Cody moved back to Justin’s lips and kissed him
“And I love you for what’s in there; I love everything about you Justin”

Justin did the same to Cody . It was a ritual of sorts between the two. An unknown ritual to others .

“we should get going home Cody” Justin said ; giving him one last kiss
Cody and Justin wiped the sand off themselves and headed out of the park an home.

Cody went into his house; locked the door and headed to his room . He turned on the computer.

“Hey John , how are you my distant friend ?”
“I am doing okay; doing a lot of writing but how are you ?” John typed
“I am doing okay. Just got back from bowling and stopped at the park with Justin. I really have to open up to my parents John “
“Hey Cody . Only you know when the time is right to let them know”
“I know John but I don’t know if I will ever be ready . Hey ! Thanks for sending me the poem . I loved it . I’ve been doing a lot of writing lately too; and you’re right, it does help .It’s late here . I should go but hey ;give me one minute. I want to show you something.

Cody turned on his webcam and turned on Womanizer by Britney Spears .
“John . Accept my webcam invite -lol” Cody typed

Cody stood in his room with a t shirt hiked up above his belly ;gyrating . He had pulled the shirt up and knotted it in the middle ; lip syncing to Womanizer

“too funny Cody . You must have had fun out tonight. I am glad you did”

Cody shut down the cam
“I had an amazing time with Justin ; John . Just nervous energy pent up so I dance. I will ttyl John -hugz”
“Good Night Cody”

Cody signed off ; took off his shoes and clothes and got into bed . He grabbed his notebook and started to write.

Tonight was a perfect night. We went bowling which was fun in itself ; but the walk home and the stop at the park with Justin was amazing. I told Justin I loved him and he told me the same , even though we both knew it already. We lay on the ground like lovers do on some romantic movies ; even though we’ve only gone so far as kissing and hugging. We are both okay with that. I know I have to tell my parents but I don’t want to see their reaction . I don’t know if I could take it. As much as I love my parents I think the whole thing will throw a wrench into the works. I wonder if Mom or Dad ever wondered if I was gay . I did help Dad with the car. I didn’t mind getting oil and grease on me and my wrists never were limp. Hell ! Was I buying into the stereotypes of “gay”. As odd as it sounds ; people are like flavours of ice cream . There are so many varieties. We find what we like and enjoy . Why’s that so difficult ? Ok , I am ranting again.

Last night I was watching Queer as Folk ;when my Dad walked into the living room . He asked me what I was watching . I told him it was Queer as Folk and the music is awesome. He grabbed the remote and put on the discovery channel. He was watching some show with primates going at it . I had to bug him and say “yeah Dad ;that’s so much better than watching guys dance to good music”

Last week when we were all at church and the Pastor was talking about Easter and forgiveness. I wondered if I came out to my parents , would they forgive me . Brian and I were ushers at the church . We would walk people to their seats . I remember seeing Justin there one Sunday; all spiffed up in a suit. Man was he sexy looking ! So many questions. So few answers. Was I wrong for seeing him as sexy or was it even more wrong to think that of him in church. I have to tell my parents .

Cody closed his journal and tucked it away . He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. His tears burned his eyes. He couldn’t sleep. He grabbed his cell and called a number he had called only once before .

“Hello”
“John ? It’s Cody . I know it’s late. I am sorry to call you but I am going crazy here . I am letting my parents know I am gay tomorrow. You always listen. Wish me luck .” Cody said into the phone
“I do wish you luck Cody. Like I said I may not be there; but I am here for you “
“Thanks John. I will let you know how it goes” Cody was sniffling ; holding back tears and holding back how he really was .
“If you have to cry Cody ;cry” John said

Cody did cry . For close to twenty minutes ; all John heard were loud sobs ; interspersed with a few “I’m Sorry’s”

“You don’t have to apologize for being you Cody. If anything people need to be more accepting ; that’s who needs to apologize”

“Ok John ; thank you my distant friend” Cody said and hung up


John and Cody had talked online for months. It was just a random set of circumstances how they had come to know each other. Cody wondered now if anything was random . Maybe there was a reason for everything. They were a sounding board for each other ; but more than that , they were good non-judgmental friends.

Cody climbed back in his bed and thinking sleep would never come ; it finally did.

It was Saturday . Cody just lay in his bed wide awake counting the stripes on his wallpaper. It was almost ten o’clock . Cody dreaded telling his parents he was gay and he wanted to put it off for as long as he could. He flipped off the blankets and stepped out of bed and went to the bathroom.

“Cody . Telephone “ his Mom hollered
“Ok Mom . I’ll be there in a minute” Cody dried his face and answered the phone in the kitchen .

“Oh I forgot Cody . This came in the mail yesterday. Open it” his Mom said
“I am on the phone Mom; hold on”

It was an envelope from one of the colleges he had applied for . The one Cody hoped most he would be accepted into but he held little hope. He figured it was a letter of rejection.

“Hello” Cody said into the phone
It was Justin . He wanted to know if Cody wanted to see an early movie.
“Sure Justin . It will get my mind off of shit.”
“Cody !” his Mom stammered “Watch the mouth”
“I’ll meet you in like forty five minutes “ and he hung up the phone

“Okay , Let’s see what the college has to say” Mom said standing behind Cody

Cody tore the envelope open and read it slowly. He had been accepted .
“Yes !” his Mom shouted
“Mom ! I’m right in front of you; you don’t have to yell”

Cody took the letter , folded it and placed it in his pocket.
“Going to the movies Mom. Will be back later”
“The letter doesn’t make you happy Cody. I thought you would be thrilled”
“I am Mom but I am dealing with some big issues”
“You are always saying that Cody . Brian never had teenage angst like you do” Mom said

Teenage angst . Cody thought. Is that what his Mom thought , It was just teenage angst .
“we can talk about it Cody . I have a few minutes before I have to leave. The auxiliary is having a sale at the church hall .”
A few minutes . It seemed that’s all his parents ever had. It would take a lot longer than a few minutes .

“Mom, we don’t talk. You listen to me but you and Dad never hear what I say. I have to get going. I’ll see you later.”

Cody walked out the front door slamming it behind him .

Cody got to the mall and Justin was waiting on a bench just inside the main entry .
“Hey Cody. Next movie doesn’t start for an hour . Do you want to wander the mall for awhile”
“Yeah . I’ve got to walk this mood of mine off” Cody clenched his fist and punched an artificial tree as he walked through the mall .

“What’s going on Cody? You seem really pissed “ Justin asked with genuine concern
“Let’s get out of here Justin . I need some air and I need to talk to you”

The two of them left the mall and leaned against a graffiti covered wall between two garbage dumpsters; out of view of anyone.
Cody put his hands behind Justin’s head and pulled him forward; kissing him on the lips. Tears fell from Cody’s eyes onto Justin’s face.

“So much may change tonight Justin but one thing that won’t change is that I love you so much. You are worth anything that my parents or anyone can throw my way “ Cody managed to say between sobs
“Are you sure you are ready to tell them Cody ; absolutely sure”
“I have to Justin. It is eating me up inside.”

Justin rubbed his hand against Cody’s cheek and said “I’ll be here” and kissed him.

Inside the theatre Cody and Justin settled in their seats . The lights dimmed overhead and the screen curtain lifted up. Cody shifted a bit in his seat ; getting closer to Justin, He gently rubbed his arm against Justin’s.

The previews played and then the movie began. Both of the boys stretched their legs until they rested under the seats in front of them . They shared a huge bucket of popcorn. As both reached for popcorn simultaneously they locked fingers . Justin rubbed a finger gently on Cody’s palm. Justin did this as a sign saying things would be alright; but would they. Cody would find out soon enough.

There they sat for close to three hours; eyes glued to the screen but Cody felt like he was a million miles away. The end credits rolled and the audience left. Justin and Cody were the last to leave.

“Do you want to sit at the park for awhile before we head on home” Justin asked
“Yeah ; we can do that”

Cody and Justin sat on the swings . Justin swung up until he was almost parallel with the top bar. Cody just lazily pushed himself dragging his feet in the sand. Justin jumped from his swing ; quickly jumped behind Cody and gave him a huge push .

“What the hell Justin?” Cody couldn’t help but laugh just a little.
Justin didn’t get out of the way fast enough . Before he seen it coming, Cody slammed into him; knocking him off his feet and landing on his ass.

“You okay man ?” Cody asked; jumping from his swing
Justin lay there perfectly still but he couldn’t help but smile when he saw Cody standing above him .

“I think you knocked the wind out of me . I may need mouth to mouth resuscitation .”
“well you happen to be in luck there sir. I happen to know mouth to mouth extremely well” Cody replied
“well then you had better hurry. I feel another fainting spell coming on”

Cody knelt down; one leg on each side of Justin’s chest. Lowering his head until he was inches away from Justin’s face he said “ I love you. I wish we could stay here; in this moment, forever”

Justin cupped one hand behind Cody’s head and pulled him in for a kiss and then another. Justin’s other hand went under Cody’s t-shirt , gently rubbing his back. They lay on the ground hugging, kissing and caressing. Yes it was love . How could anyone see it was anything else but. Justin and Cody; although young; knew what love is , They live to love.

Cody walked to the edge of Justin’s sidewalk. “ I’ll let you know how it goes Justin”
Cody went to walk away.
“Hey Cody, give me a hug “
Cody scoped up and down the street.
“What are you looking for Cody?” Justin asked
“Just making sure no one is watching. I want to be the one to tell my parents; not some gawking neighbour.
“Cody ,I am out to my parents; I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks.”

Justin put his arms around Cody and gave him a hug and then kissed him.
“I love you Cody”
“I love you too Justin”

When Cody got home his Dad was in the garage and Brian was watching some fishing show .
“Hey Brian ; where is Mom”
“Still at the church hall I guess . What’s up with you little brother? Looks like you’ve been dragged around”

Cody’s jeans and t-shirt were covered with grass stains .
“Oh, we were just wrestling around like guys do”
“No there’s something else bothering you. What’s bothering you Cody?”
“I’ll tell you when Mom gets in Brian”
Cody gave his brother a hug and asked him “Brian do you respect me and appreciate who I am?”
“What kind of question is that; Of course I do’”
“Let me know when Mom’s home will you Brian” Cody said
“Will do champ” Brian replied

Cody went to his room and pulled out the letter of acceptance to college from his back pocket. He had what he had hoped for most. Back that up a bit. Other than Justin ;college was his hope. Cody wrote in his journal :

Today is a dream but it may end as nightmare. I spent the afternoon with Justin watching a movie and hanging around the park. I still smell his cologne on me. I can still feel his fingers running the length of my spine and counting out my ribs. Even more than that ; I know he loves me unconditionally ; flaws and all and God knows I have flaws. Speaking of God; I’ve been doing more praying than I usually do. I’ve always gone to church with my family. How many families do that anymore. The God I pray to is a God of unconditional love . At the end of the day and at the end of my life ; it’s his judgement that only matters. Why then I am so worried about being judged by my family and peers , Because I am human or because I am weak ? Maybe I shouldn’t care what people think of me ; but God I do. It sounds like I am writing prayer here but I’m not. I’m venting. I’m scared and I am worried. I feel like throwing up . I’m numb. How can I feel every emotion known to man at this moment. I feel love from Justin. I feel fear and rejection . I almost feel hatred and that scares me most . I hate the judgemental people that don’t see their own flaws . Did I just say that ? Is being gay a flaw in the design of humanity ? Is that to say God screwed up somewhere along the way ? No; but why am I so afraid ? It’s not being afraid . It’s the fear of the unknown but I guess I will find out soon enough. Oh; I wish Justin was here. Just fro his caring touch and gentle kiss and his finger rubbing the palm of my hand ; saying it would be alright.

My grandma used to tell me that there is no person living who is alright. We are just okay . It’s only when we make our journey to heaven that we all ; are alright. I figure the longer I write in this journal , the longer I can avoid coming out. It’s funny how gays “come out” but straight’s don’t . I wonder where that came from and I wonder who the first person was to come out. Does a person come out for their own benefit or for the fodder for others ? I am doing it for me. It’s like I am living a lie if I don’t .

Grandma use to have a saying . “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t “ I felt like I was damned anyway . I wondered to ; if I was damned gay ; would I even get to Heaven ?

“Cody, Mom’s home” Brian shouted
Cody shut his journal and threw it his the side table . He walked into the kitchen ; legs shaking heart pounding.

“Hey Mom, I have to talk to you and Dad; Brian too”
Mom was hanging up her jacket.
“Ok Cody, your Dad’s in the living room watching television. I’ll be there in a minute.
Cody walked into the living room. Brian and Dad were watching some ultimate fighting . Mom walked in .

“Guys . I have something I have to say . I need you to listen and try to understand. No , I need you to understand “ Cody said , stumbling over the words
Brian and Dad continued to watch television.
“We’re listening Cody .” Dad said; eyes still on the television
Cody grabbed the remote and turned the television off.

“Hey bro; what’s wrong and are those tears I see ?” Brian asked
“Mom ,Dad, Brian . I love you so much. There is nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you. I hope you’ll be the same for me”

Cody’s faced flushed . He wanted to sit . He felt like passing out but he wanted to stand tall. He had to stand tall.

“I’m gay “
“Repeat that Cody” his Dad said ; unsure of what Cody said or not wanting to have heard it
“I am gay Dad . I know I am gay . I’ve known it for awhile and you need to know it too” Cody managed to get the words out

Cody’s Dad jumped from his chair and stood a foot from Cody pointing a finger in his face.
“You are NOT gay Cody . Stop screwing around.”
“I am gay Dad ! I’m gay . I’m gay . I’m gay ! Did you hear it now” Cody was visibly upset that his Dad thought it was a joke.

“No son of mine is a fag ! “
Dad dropped the f-bomb . Cody had never heard his Dad say fag ever. Now his Dad said it and it was directed at him . Cody’s Dad stomped from the living room into the kitchen . Mom was silent. She had her hands cupped resting on her stomach . She followed Dad into the kitchen without saying a word to Cody .
Glass smashed in the kitchen .

“Our son is a God damned fag “ Dad said and then marched back into the living room .
“Oh MY God ! I have two fags for sons !”

Brian was holding Cody . Cody had his head buried in Brian’s chest . He was crying inconsolably .
“Jesus Christ Dad ; give it up; Cody’s gay . He is still your son and my brother ! “
“One question Cody . Are you pitcher or catcher ? “ Dad asked . That was vulgar.
“Ok Dad . ENOUGH. Lay off it.” Brian responded

Dad stomped back through the kitchen and slammed the door. He could be hear yelling up and down the streets . “My son Cody is a fag. A God damned fag “

Mom just sat in the kitchen hands resting on her lap. Brian clinging to Cody .
“Hey bro ; you are still my brother. Like you told me ; it’s who a person is, not what a person is. It’ll be okay. I am here for you . Let’s go talk to Mom “

Mom sat there quietly . Her only concern at that moment was for her husband .
“I’m worried about your Dad “ she finally said “I’ve never seen him like this before. Why wouldn’t you just keep it quiet Cody . You always have to overstate everything “
“I’m gay Mom . I dealt with telling you ; now you can deal with how you handle it”
“I am going to lie down for a bit Brian.. We can talk more about the gay thing later if you want Mom”

There was no response from Mom .
Cody grabbed his cell phone and called Justin .
“Everything is falling apart Justin. My parents hate me” he said into the phone
“They don’t hate you Cody . They are in shock and awe about it . How is Brian with it ? “
“Brian is fine . He said he kind of thought maybe I was gay but it was a non-issue. I am drained . I will see you tomorrow Justin. I love you . “
“I’m coming over Cody . Meet me at the corner in 15 “
“Its late Justin “ Cody said
“You better be there Cody . I may need mouth to mouth .” Justin said and hung up the phone

Luizo Vega _ Artist model photographer

Luizo Vega is a model artist photographer extraordinaire. In every painting or pose or photograph lies a story to be told. It may not be what Luizos story is ;yet that is the thing with great art. It is relative to who is viewing it. If you look at something and it makes you think and delve deeper into ones self it is time well spent. Luizo Vega does have some nude pictures and paintings but all are tastefully done . Human body is the most beautiful art form there is .

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An Unkempt Marker

I wrote this after someone had asked me if I had ever lost a parent or friend . Although I was not close to this person ; I did know enough about him to write it. I have never been to the cemetery so I am going by what this person has relayed to me. I wish I had written this on To Write Love on her Arms Day . Much like myself; I had shut myself down and went on like depression wasn’t affecting me . I’d simply say I was in a bad mood or just felt like being quiet . If you think you or anyone is going into or are in a state of depression ;please seek help .

Your gravestone is just a flat grey stone with name and date
No mention of your parents -Oh what a cruel fate

It’s edges are overgrown with moss and grass
It’s been a few years since that day passed

A bunch of sun faded flowers toppled from the wind
You were merely fifteen years old , not yet a man but neither a kid

People thought you had it all . Money glory and fame
Then why a gravestone ;with no parents names

You were much like me ;“always smiling” -“always there”
But when you fell into that deep dark sadness; where was their care

It was summer of 1977
You left the earth and went to Heaven

Your “always smile” wasn’t always real
If you felt depressed ; people would say “Dude ! Just deal”

It was a hot sunny day - like so many that year
But you woke up full of panic and fear

You felt you were trapped and wanted to be free
You went to the woods and climbed up the tallest tree

Thirty feet up you sat-resting ,thinking, crying
You thought of what life is what of dying

From your backpack you pulled out the rope
Tied fast to branch . You couldn’t cope

You stood on the branch -tears on your face
Let yourself drop;dangled in space

Your gravestone is just a flat grey stone with name and date
No mention of your parents -Oh What a cruel fate

Your grave seems long forgotten by the unkempt growing grass
If people opened their heart and souls ; it could have changed your past

The Dew Covered Grass

We sat on the dew covered grass; staring at the stars
We looked into darkness , searching near and far

We sat there for hours; hands held tight
Our eyes gazing upwards, staring into night

A shooting star streaks across the sky
Thinking of you I start to cry

My tears are not of sadness; but those of purest love
We sat on dew covered grass; our eyes cast above

We sat there for hours ; hands held tight; never letting go
A shooting star streaks across the sky; natures light show

The crickets chirp . The bullfrogs croak. Above an eagle flies
I look away and turn to you and gaze into your eyes

We sit on the grass; hands held tight
You turn to me and say ; “It’ll be alright “

We sat there until the sun did rise
Hands still held; looking into each others eyes

@Joe Lethbridge Nov 7 2009

The Music of that Night

Last night I went to a Halloween dance with a few friends . We did the usual drinking (never to excess) ,dancing and carousing . There is an old saying “the whole world is a stage” which I firmly believe in . I am not just sure what role each of us is to play . Last night I played a role too. As much fun as I was having ;dancing with my sister in law and my friends I went there with and some other guys and girls that were there . I love to dance . Much like writing it keeps me busy .

These are some of the words from Cher’s “The Music’s No Good without you”
“Mesmerize them when we danced
Cause you sparkle next to me
We sit along the razor's edge
But you were crazy to be free
I - agonize till you'll come back
And we'll dance that close again
I miss you boy, I really do
Come back to me
Come back to me”

This song wasn’t played last night and I am glad it wasn’t . There were a few slow songs that came on and I would leave and go outside to get some fresh air or have a smoke. I did dance a slow dance or two with a friend but it wasn’t the same . There are things that trigger me and set me off. I won’t go ballistic . I just have a rough time sometimes. I know some of you here know what I mean by “triggers” and I have always side stepped any label that has been attached to me . If people ask me I will say either I have issues or am depressed. I had said before labels should only be on food products .

I made my rounds at the bar talking to some new people and danced with a few new people . I wont say it wasn’t a good time . It was .

I am not sure what last night was all about . I did some things I have never did there before but I don’t regret doing them . It was all harmless fun . I let loose ; moreso than I ever had. I wont apologize for it either . But in closing I will say the music was good but the musics “not as good “ without “you”

The Waters Cold now; Yet my heart remains warm

The water's cold now. So much so that I can't take off my shoes and socks and put my feet into the water. The leaves have changed colour and are dropping steadily from the trees . The dock I am sitting on; made of two by four lumber is cold to sit on .

In the summertime we came here wearing shorts . We took off our shirts ; balled them up and propped them under our heads as pillows. We stgayed there for hours on end; either until it rained on us or the beating sun on us took its toll. We would sit there eating or sundaes or Blizzards from Dairy Queen; never eating then quite fast enough . We' end up having to dip our arms into the river to rinse away the melted ice cream .

It's starting to rain now but yet I remain sitting still; raindrops smudging the words I am writing down. It wasn't that long ago I would write and have stinging tears drop from both my eyes and smudge the words I wrote.

It wasn't that long ago when you gave me the last hug I would get from you . It came out of the blue . I was usually the one to offer a hug first . I knew what was coming.

"I love you Joe ; I want to love you but I can't " Most days I am not comfortable with who I am . I knew what he meant . We had both heard comments from the "peanut gallery "

We stood there hugging while he explained " I can't deal with what people are saying Joe "
My eyes were building up tears . As much as I could try to hold them back ; I couldn't . There were stood locked in an embrace . The more tears I shed ; the tighter he hugged me and pulled me closer . We both knew what we meant to each other. We couldn't do anything about what others read into it. We were each others support. No one asked why we were as close as we were. Even if I said why; there would be people who would chose to believe what they think.

The rain is falling heavier now ; so I am heading home.

I open the door to my apartment and check my cell phone for messages . When I go out to wander and just sit and think and write ; I leave my phone at home . I don't want a phone call to disturb me . I know there are people who worry about me ; some too much so but that's okay ; but sometimes I have to go and be on my own .

2 NEW MESSAGES is falshing on my cell phone .
I check them .
"Don't think I don't still think about you Joe -I do " MESSAGE 1
"I miss you like a fat kid loves cake " MESSAGE 2
I knew it was him . Even though we don't see each other face to face ; or just being lazy sitting by the river ; or we ended that day with a huge bear hug and buckets of tears from both sides - it wasn't over .

I know we are both here for each other . I said it before . As much as I would love to see him ; love is measured by the distance between two hearts-not miles .

Okay - I have to respond to my message from him .
REPLY : "I still think about you too and love you ."