ink smeared thoughts: January 2010

CODY’S STORY

It was pretty well like any other bungalow . Set back from the tree lined streets.
Inside the kitchen ; a woman stands by the kitchen sink wiping her hands on a dishtowel .
“Hey Mom I‘m home” Cody yells as he goes and gets a glass of juice from refrigerator
“Hey Cody“ his Mom asks “anything new ?”
“ I’m going to head up to my room and fill out the applications for college mom “
“Let me know if you need help filling them in “
“Hey I am the honour student Mom “Cody replies puffing out his chest in mock bravado
“ There’s the one who needs help mom -not sure if he can write his own name . Cody‘s brother Brian walks into the kitchen and Cody points at him
“Your such a dick Cody “ Brian says tossing a loaf of bread at him hitting him on the head.
“Hey watch your mouth “ Mom yells The two young men play fight in the kitchen and Mom goes about her chores.
“ I’m going to work on Dad‘s car for a bit Mom; I‘ll be back in time for supper” Brian says as he enters the garage from the kitchen.
Cody gives Brian one final friendly punch and heads to his bedroom .
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Stretched out on the bed ; legs crossed at the ankles, chewing a pen with his mp3
player in his ears . He rummages through his side table and pulls out a notebook
tucked under a few stacked books . He flips through the pages and pulls out a letter.
Cody slides up on the bed a bit and settles; shifting the pillows under his head .

He reads :
Cody; you have to know by now how much I really like you . Rather , I think it has progressed to love . Although we haven’t said those three words yet - your eyes tell me that you do. When we were at the bowling alley last week it was hard not to make it obvious with everyone around. I am sure someone must have seen how we looked at each other. We aren’t kids anymore . I am so proud of you that you are headed off to college. Who knows ? I may be there next year . Maybe we can be roomies . Can’t wait to see you on Friday night xoJ

Cody folded up the letter and placed it back between the pages of the book. He tucked the book beneath the others in the side table. Cody wondered ;if his life was like a book ; what chapter in life would he be in . Would he hide in the pages of a book . A book not completely written . He had to hide his true story ;at least for now . Cody shut the drawer on the night stand and stretched a bit and wiped his eyes . He knew he was in love. He just wished it come at a better time . Yet; love is like that . It kind of jumps up and blindsides us. We accept it and embrace it for how long we have it in our lives.

He started filling in his college forms with music blasting in his eardrums . He was listening to Secondhand Serenade ; one of his favourites.
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“Cody ; dinners on the table” He could barely hear his Mom calling him . He threw the applications on the bed and went to the kitchen and took his usual place at the table .

“Cody . No music at the table please” his Dad requested
“Sure thing Dad; I am so used to having them on, I almost forgot.
Mom had made lasagna and garlic bread and salad . Lasagna was Cody’s favourite
“Help yourselves guys; I’m not the waiter” Mom said “The tip jar is beside the butter dish”
“I was thinking we could go fishing tomorrow after the sun sets boys . Who’s in ?:” Dad asked
“Sorry Dad; would like to but a bunch of us are going bowling tomorrow “ Cody replied
“I’ll go Dad and out fish you AGAIN !” Brian answered.

When dinner was finished they cleared the table and did the dishes . Cody washed them and Brian dried and put them away . Cody grabbed a handful of suds and wiped it in Brian’s face and sang “Everybody wash up! Everybody Wash up ! “ and did a silly dance.
“You are such an ass Cody ! “
With that Brian grabbed Cody by the head and pushed his face into the sink. Cody pulled his face out and it was covered in suds . Brian and Cody howled like banshees. Cody went to grab a towel and in doing so slipped in a puddle on the floor. Crash ! Down he went .

“What are you boys doing in there? “ Mom yelled from the living room
“Cody’s busting a move Mom” Brian yelled back
“Sounds like your busting more than a move in there guys” Mom responded
The boys cleaned up the mess and joined their parents in the living room . Brian sat on the Easy Chair and Cody sat between his parents. They sat and watched television until the news ended and they all headed off to bed.
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Cody was back in his room; headphones in his ears . Tomorrow was Friday . Cody was pumped to go bowling with his friends. He went to his bureau and pulled out his jeans and a t-shirt ; setting them atop; ready for the morning. Cody hopped in the shower,sudsing up and sudsing off. Stepping out of the shower he grabs his pyjama bottom and slips them on.

Back in his room he grabs his notebook from the side table and writes:
I’m waiting on tomorrow to see you . As much as I enjoy talking to you on the phone or messenger; standing next to you and looking into your eyes is so much better. I think you are right . I think how I feel about you has progressed into love. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow !!”

Cody was kind of new at writing in his journal but lately he wrote in it everyday .
DING ! Someone had signed onto messenger . Cody rolled the chair out from the desk ; plopped down and rolled back up to the computer screen.

.“Hey John . How are you . I am glad you are online . I really need someone to talk to” is what Cody typed onto the keyboard.
“What’s up Cody ? “ was the response
“Something I can’t really get into right now John but hey : I read what you sent me. It came at a really good time. You definitely know how to write and get your thoughts across” Cody responded “ Hey .thanks for being there . I’ll let you know how bowling turns out. Goodnight “
“Goodnight Cody “ John replied and then signed off.

Friday seemed to drag on and on. Cody wanted it to be seven o’clock now. He wanted to be at the bowling alley with his friends; especially one .

Cody checked his emails one more time. He then wrote one entry in his journal :

I’m literally pacing my room waiting so I can see you . I’m kind of on the fence about the entire thing; the entire relationship. I’m heading off to college in the fall. You will still be here. I know we have discussed meeting up on weekends. One weekend you will meet me and the other week I will come back and visit you here, As much as I feel whole when I am with you ; I feel like I am falling into a million pieces and being pulled in so many directions. You’ve met my parents. As much as I love them ;I know they won’t accept me. They are all about image in this ultra conservative town . Heck ; my Dad leases a car every year and tells people he buys them outright . I can’t even say the word myself. The word literally means joyful or happy. I’M GAY ! I’M GAY ! I’M GAY ! But why do I feel so unhappy . I can write it but I can’t say it . No one will see what I write in this journal . It is all about my thoughts. Things I cannot or will not allow myself
to let others know . The other night I went for a walk to the park . I was so tempted to carve our initials into a tree ; like so many other couples. Couple ? Are we a couple ? We aren’t even officially dating . We See each other with others around . Last year I dated Julie from down the street for close to three months . As sweet as she was and as much fun we had ; there was no real emotional sparks and no physical connection. Julie even asked me once in a polite manner if I was gay. I told her no and asked her why she would even ask that . She said it was because I never made any moves on her. I told her it was because I am a gentleman and a gentle man ;which I am . I realized almost immediately I had lied to Julie . I wasn’t ready to tell anyone then and I don’t know if I ever will be ready .

Cody looked up from his journal and checked the time . It was close to six o’clock. Cody couldn’t believe how much he had written in such a short time but he had a lot on his mind. He closed his journal and tucked it away.

“Okay Mom; I am heading out now, I’ll see you later”
“Have fun Cody” Mom yelled back

Cody closed the door behind him and he walked on down the street heading to the bowling alley .
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“Hey Guys !! Everyone here yet ?” Cody asked
“Just waiting on Justin .”
Cody glanced around and went to the juke box and slid a bill into the machine . He selected his songs and went back to the group sitting at the table . In walked Justin . Cody smiled widely and Justin smiled back.

“Sorry Guys , I had to walk. My dad’s out of town so I had to walk down” Justin told them.
“Music’s already playing. Let’s bowl ! “

Everyone put on their shoes and the bowling began . There was so much laughter and horseplay . A few times the manager shot them a look .

“Ok guys we just got the look “ Justin said ; arching his eyes and making a grimace
They stayed bowling , listening to music and dancing in the alleys until close to eleven.
“ I have to head out now guy . I’ve got a long walk ahead of me “ Justin announced
“ I should get going too. I’ll walk part way with you Justin” Cody said

Everyone left the alley at the same time . Justin and Cody walked while the other three got into their rides.

“Hey , you want a ride home boys “ It was Mike’s dad
“No . We’re good to go ; but thanks:” Cody yelled back

The cars pulled out of the parking lot and Cody and Justin walked on towards their homes.

“I wasn’t sure if you would show up tonight”
“And not see you Cody- no chance.” Justin said

Cody and Justin walked on passing the park.
“Hey do you want to sit for a bit. I have something to tell you Justin”
Justin got a look of dread on his face,
“Hey , it’s nothing for you to worry about Justin” Cody said rubbing Justin’s shoulder.
Cody ran full forward to the swings . Justin quickly ran after him; losing his footing and doing a face plant in the sand . Cody laughed so hard he fell off his swing; landing beside Justin. They both lay there ; laughing like there was no tomorrow. Almost like a choreographed move; they both reached towards each other and held hands. They lay on their backs staring up into the night sky.

.“Justin. Have you ever made a wish on a star ?”
“Almost always Cody and always the same one. Right now, it came true .

Cody snickered. You’re such a romantic Justin. I do declare ! “ batting his eyelashes
“And you’re such an ass wad Cody”

Laughing , Justin grabbed Cody and they wrestled around on the ground . Cody pinned Justin to the ground with his hands holding Justin’s arms.

“Resistance is futile me matey ! Arg ! “ Cody said looking into Justin’s eyes
“Does it look like I’m resisting Captain Jack Sparrow ?” Justin replied and then added “Oh Wait ! Johnny Depp’s much hotter than you . “
They both laughed.

Cody moved closer to Justin and kissed him softly on the lips and released Justin’s arms. Justin kissed back .
They looked into each others eyes and they both knew it for sure. It was real .
“I love you Cody “ Justin was the first to say it
“I love you too Justin; but its not going to be easy on either of us”
“we’ll get through it Cody . It will be okay”

They lay there . Cody gave Justin a kiss on the lips and then on the forehead.
“I love you for what’s in there”
Cody moved to Justin’s upper chest and kissed it.
“and for what’s in there”
Cody moved back to Justin’s lips and kissed him
“And I love you for what’s in there; I love everything about you Justin”

Justin did the same to Cody . It was a ritual of sorts between the two. An unknown ritual to others .

“we should get going home Cody” Justin said ; giving him one last kiss
Cody and Justin wiped the sand off themselves and headed out of the park an home.
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Cody went into his house; locked the door and headed to his room . He turned on the computer.
“Hey John , how are you my distant friend ?”
“I am doing okay; doing a lot of writing but how are you ?” John typed
“I am doing okay. Just got back from bowling and stopped at the park with Justin. I really have to open up to my parents John “
“Hey Cody . Only you know when the time is right to let them know”
“I know John but I don’t know if I will ever be ready . Hey ! Thanks for sending me the poem . I loved it .
“I’ve been doing a lot of writing lately too; and you’re right, it does help .It’s late here . I should go but hey ;give me one minute. I want to show you something.

Cody turned on his webcam and turned on Womanizer by Britney Spears .
“John . Accept my webcam invite -lol” Cody typed
Cody stood in his room with a t shirt hiked up above his belly ;gyrating . He had pulled the shirt up and knotted it in the middle ; lip syncing to Womanizer

“too funny Cody . You must have had fun out tonight. I am glad you did”
Cody shut down the cam
“I had an amazing time with Justin ; John . Just nervous energy pent up so I dance. I will ttyl John -hugz”
“Good Night Cody”

Cody signed off ; took off his shoes and clothes and got into bed . He grabbed his notebook and started to write.
Tonight was a perfect night. We went bowling which was fun in itself ; but the walk home and the stop at the park with Justin was amazing. I told Justin I loved him and he told me the same , even though we both knew it already. We lay on the ground like lovers do on some romantic movies ; even though we’ve only gone so far as kissing and hugging. We are both okay with that. I know I have to tell my parents but I don’t want to see their reaction . I don’t know if I could take it. As much as I love my parents I think the whole thing will throw a wrench into the works. I wonder if Mom or Dad ever wondered if I was gay . I did help Dad with the car. I didn’t mind getting oil and grease on me and my wrists never were limp. Hell ! Was I buying into the stereotypes of “gay”. As odd as it sounds ; people are like flavours of ice cream . There are so many varieties. We find what we like and enjoy . Why’s that so difficult ? Ok , I am ranting again. Last night I was watching Queer as Folk ;when my Dad walked into the living room . He asked me what I was watching . I told him it was Queer as Folk and the music is awesome. He grabbed the remote and put on the discovery channel. He was watching some show with primates going at it . I had to bug him and say “yeah Dad ;that’s so much better than watching guys dance to good music” Last week when we were all at church and the Pastor was talking about Easter and forgiveness. I wondered if I came out to my parents , would they forgive me . Brian and I were ushers at the church . We would walk people to their seats . I remember seeing Justin there one Sunday; all spiffed up in a suit. Man was he sexy looking ! So many questions. So few answers. Was I wrong for seeing him as sexy or was it even more wrong to think that of him in church. I have to tell my parents .

Cody closed his journal and tucked it away . He closed his eyes and tried to sleep. His tears burned his eyes. He couldn’t sleep. He grabbed his cell and called a number he had called only once before .

“Hello”
“John ? It’s Cody . I know it’s late. I am sorry to call you but I am going crazy here . I am letting my parents know I am gay tomorrow. You always listen. Wish me luck .” Cody said into the phone .
“I do wish you luck Cody. Like I said I may not be there; but I am here for you “
“Thanks John. I will let you know how it goes” Cody was sniffling ; holding back tears and holding back how he really was .

“If you have to cry Cody ;cry” John said
Cody did cry . For close to twenty minutes ; all John heard were loud sobs ; interspersed with a few “I’m Sorry’s”
“You don’t have to apologize for being you Cody. If anything people need to be more accepting ; that’s who needs to apologize”
“Ok John ; thank you my distant friend” Cody said and hung up

John and Cody had talked online for months. It was just a random set of circumstances how they had come to know each other. Cody wondered now if anything was random . Maybe there was a reason for everything. They were a sounding board for each other ; but more than that , they were good non-judgmental friends.
Cody climbed back in his bed and thinking sleep would never come ; it finally did.
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It was Saturday . Cody just lay in his bed wide awake counting the stripes on his wallpaper. It was almost ten o’clock . Cody dreaded telling his parents he was gay and he wanted to put it off for as long as he could. He flipped off the blankets and stepped out of bed and went to the bathroom.

“Cody . Telephone “ his Mom hollered
“Ok Mom . I’ll be there in a minute” Cody dried his face and answered the phone in the kitchen .
“Oh I forgot Cody . This came in the mail yesterday. Open it” his Mom said
“I am on the phone Mom; hold on”

It was an envelope from one of the colleges he had applied for . The one Cody hoped most he would be accepted into but he held little hope. He figured it was a letter of rejection.

“Hello” Cody said into the phone
It was Justin . He wanted to know if Cody wanted to see an early movie.
“Sure Justin . It will get my mind off of shit.”
“Cody !” his Mom stammered “Watch the mouth”
“I’ll meet you in like forty five minutes “ and he hung up the phone
“Okay , Let’s see what the college has to say” Mom said standing behind Cody

Cody tore the envelope open and read it slowly. He had been accepted .
“Yes !” his Mom shouted
“Mom ! I’m right in front of you; you don’t have to yell”
Cody took the letter , folded it and placed it in his pocket.
“Going to the movies Mom. Will be back later”
“The letter doesn’t make you happy Cody. I thought you would be thrilled”
“I am Mom but I am dealing with some big issues”
“You are always saying that Cody . Brian never had teenage angst like you do” Mom said Teenage angst . Cody thought. Is that what his Mom thought , It was just teenage angst .
“we can talk about it Cody . I have a few minutes before I have to leave. The auxiliary is having a sale at the church hall .”

A few minutes . It seemed that’s all his parents ever had. It would take a lot longer than a few minutes .
“Mom, we don’t talk. You listen to me but you and Dad never hear what I say. I have to get going. I’ll see you later.”

Cody walked out the front door slamming it behind him .
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Cody got to the mall and Justin was waiting on a bench just inside the main entry .
“Hey Cody. Next movie doesn’t start for an hour . Do you want to wander the mall for awhile”
“Yeah . I’ve got to walk this mood of mine off” Cody clenched his fist and punched an artificial tree as he walked through the mall .
“What’s going on Cody? You seem really pissed “ Justin asked with genuine concern
“Let’s get out of here Justin . I need some air and I need to talk to you”

The two of them left the mall and leaned against a graffiti covered wall between two garbage dumpsters; out of view of anyone.
Cody put his hands behind Justin’s head and pulled him forward; kissing him on the lips. Tears fell from Cody’s eyes onto Justin’s face.

“So much may change tonight Justin but one thing that won’t change is that I love you so much. You are worth anything that my parents or anyone can throw my way “ Cody managed to say between sobs.
“Are you sure you are ready to tell them Cody ; absolutely sure”
“I have to Justin. It is eating me up inside.”
Justin rubbed his hand against Cody’s cheek and said “I’ll be here” and kissed him.

Inside the theatre Cody and Justin settled in their seats . The lights dimmed overhead and the screen curtain lifted up. Cody shifted a bit in his seat ; getting closer to Justin, He gently rubbed his arm against Justin’s. The previews played and then the movie began. Both of the boys stretched their legs until they rested under the seats in front of them . They shared a huge bucket of popcorn. As both reached for popcorn simultaneously they locked fingers . Justin rubbed a finger gently on Cody’s palm. Justin did this as a sign saying things would be alright; but would they. Cody would find out soon enough.

There they sat for close to three hours; eyes glued to the screen but Cody felt like he was a million miles away. The end credits rolled and the audience left. Justin and Cody were the last to leave.

“Do you want to sit at the park for awhile before we head on home” Justin asked
“Yeah ; we can do that”
Cody and Justin sat on the swings . Justin swung up until he was almost parallel with the top bar. Cody just lazily pushed himself dragging his feet in the sand. Justin jumped from his swing ; quickly jumped behind Cody and gave him a huge push .
“What the hell Justin?” Cody couldn’t help but laugh just a little.

Justin didn’t get out of the way fast enough . Before he seen it coming, Cody slammed into him; knocking him off his feet and landing on his ass.
“You okay man ?” Cody asked; jumping from his swing

Justin lay there perfectly still but he couldn’t help but smile when he saw Cody standing above him .
“I think you knocked the wind out of me . I may need mouth to mouth resuscitation .”
“well you happen to be in luck there sir. I happen to know mouth to mouth extremely well” Cody replied.
“well then you had better hurry. I feel another fainting spell coming on”
Cody knelt down; one leg on each side of Justin’s chest. Lowering his head until he was inches away from Justin’s face he said “ I love you. I wish we could stay here; in this moment, forever”

Justin cupped one hand behind Cody’s head and pulled him in for a kiss and then another. Justin’s other hand went under Cody’s t-shirt , gently rubbing his back. They lay on the ground hugging, kissing and caressing. Yes it was love . How could anyone see it was anything else but. Justin and Cody; although young; knew what love is , They live to love.

Cody walked to the edge of Justin’s sidewalk. “ I’ll let you know how it goes Justin”
Cody went to walk away.
“Hey Cody, give me a hug “
Cody scoped up and down the street.
“What are you looking for Cody?” Justin asked
“Just making sure no one is watching. I want to be the one to tell my parents; not some gawking neighbour.
“Cody ,I am out to my parents; I don’t give a rats ass what anyone else thinks.”

Justin put his arms around Cody and gave him a hug and then kissed him.
“I love you Cody”
“I love you too Justin”
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When Cody got home his Dad was in the garage and Brian was watching some fishing show .

“Hey Brian ; where is Mom”
“Still at the church hall I guess . What’s up with you little brother? Looks like you’ve been dragged around”

Cody’s jeans and t-shirt were covered with grass stains .
“Oh, we were just wrestling around like guys do”
“No there’s something else bothering you. What’s bothering you Cody?”
“I’ll tell you when Mom gets in Brian”

Cody gave his brother a hug and asked him “Brian do you respect me and appreciate who I am?”
“What kind of question is that; Of course I do’”
“Let me know when Mom’s home will you Brian” Cody said
“Will do champ” Brian replied

Cody went to his room and pulled out the letter of acceptance to college from his back pocket. He had what he had hoped for most. Back that up a bit. Other than Justin ;college was his hope. Cody wrote in his journal :

Today is a dream but it may end as nightmare. I spent the afternoon with Justin watching a movie and hanging around the park. I still smell his cologne on me. I can still feel his fingers running the length of my spine and counting out my ribs. Even more than that ; I know he loves me unconditionally ; flaws and all and God knows I have flaws. Speaking of God; I’ve been doing more praying than I usually do. I’ve always gone to church with my family. How many families do that anymore. The God I pray to is a God of unconditional love . At the end of the day and at the end of my life ; it’s his judgement that only matters. Why then I am so worried about being judged by my family and peers , Because I am human or because I am weak ? Maybe I shouldn’t care what people think of me ; but God I do. It sounds like I am writing prayer here but I’m not. I’m venting. I’m scared and I am worried. I feel like throwing up . I’m numb. How can I feel every emotion known to man at this moment. I feel love from Justin. I feel fear and rejection . I almost feel hatred and that scares me most . I hate the judgemental people that don’t see their own flaws . Did I just say that ? Is being gay a flaw in the design of humanity ? Is that to say God screwed up somewhere along the way ? No; but why am I so afraid ? It’s not being afraid . It’s the fear of the unknown but I guess I will find out soon enough. Oh; I wish Justin was here. Just for his caring touch and gentle kiss and his finger rubbing the palm of my hand ; saying it would be alright. My grandma used to tell me that there is no person living who is alright. We are just okay . It’s only when we make our journey to heaven that we all ; are alright. I figure the longer I write in this journal , the longer I can avoid coming out. It’s funny how gays “come out” but straight’s don’t . I wonder where that came from and I wonder who the first person was to come out. Does a person come out for their own benefit or for the fodder for others ? I am doing it for me. It’s like I am living a lie if I don’t . Grandma use to have a saying . “You’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t “ I felt like I was damned anyway . I wondered to ; if I was damned gay ; would I even get to Heaven ?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------“Cody, Mom’s home” Brian shouted
Cody shut his journal and threw it his the side table . He walked into the kitchen ; legs shaking heart pounding.

“Hey Mom, I have to talk to you and Dad; Brian too”
Mom was hanging up her jacket.
“Ok Cody, your Dad’s in the living room watching television. I’ll be there in a minute.

Cody walked into the living room. Brian and Dad were watching some ultimate fighting . Mom walked in .
“Guys . I have something I have to say . I need you to listen and try to understand. No , I need you to understand “ Cody said , stumbling over the words

Brian and Dad continued to watch television.
“We’re listening Cody .” Dad said; eyes still on the television
Cody grabbed the remote and turned the television off.
“Hey bro; what’s wrong and are those tears I see ?” Brian asked
“Mom ,Dad, Brian . I love you so much. There is nothing you could do or say that would make me stop loving you. I hope you’ll be the same for me”

Cody’s faced flushed . He wanted to sit . He felt like passing out but he wanted to stand tall. He had to stand tall.

“I’m gay “
“Repeat that Cody” his Dad said ; unsure of what Cody said or not wanting to have heard it
“I am gay Dad . I know I am gay . I’ve known it for awhile and you need to know it too” Cody managed to get the words out.

Cody’s Dad jumped from his chair and stood a foot from Cody pointing a finger in his face.
“You are NOT gay Cody . Stop screwing around.”
“I am gay Dad ! I’m gay . I’m gay . I’m gay ! Did you hear it now” Cody was visibly upset that his Dad thought it was a joke.

“No son of mine is a fag ! “
Dad dropped the f-bomb . Cody had never heard his Dad say fag ever. Now his Dad said it and it was directed at him . Cody’s Dad stomped from the living room into the kitchen . Mom was silent. She had her hands cupped resting on her stomach . She followed Dad into the kitchen without saying a word to Cody .

Glass smashed in the kitchen .
“Our son is a God damned fag “ Dad said and then marched back into the living room.

“Oh MY God ! I have two fags for sons !”
Brian was holding Cody . Cody had his head buried in Brian’s chest . He was crying inconsolably .
“Jesus Christ Dad ; give it up; Cody’s gay . He is still your son and my brother ! “
“One question Cody . Are you pitcher or catcher ? “ Dad asked . That was vulgar.
“Ok Dad . ENOUGH. Lay off it.” Brian responded

Dad stomped back through the kitchen and slammed the door. He could be hear yelling up and down the streets . “My son Cody is a fag. A God damned fag “
Mom just sat in the kitchen hands resting on her lap. Brian clinging to Cody .

“Hey bro ; you are still my brother. Like you told me ; it’s who a person is, not what a person is. It’ll be okay. I am here for you . Let’s go talk to Mom “
Mom sat there quietly . Her only concern at that moment was for her husband .
“I’m worried about your Dad “ she finally said “I’ve never seen him like this before. Why wouldn’t you just keep it quiet Cody . You always have to overstate everything “
“I’m gay Mom . I dealt with telling you ; now you can deal with how you handle it”
“I am going to lie down for a bit Brian.. We can talk more about the gay thing later if you want Mom”

There was no response from Mom
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Cody grabbed his cell phone and called Justin .
“Everything is falling apart Justin. My parents hate me” he said into the phone
“They don’t hate you Cody . They are in shock and awe about it . How is Brian with it ? “
“Brian is fine . He said he kind of thought maybe I was gay but it was a non-issue. I am drained . I will see you tomorrow Justin. I love you.”
“I’m coming over Cody . Meet me at the corner in 15 “
“Its late Justin “ Cody said
“You better be there Cody . I may need mouth to mouth .” Justin said and hung up the phone .
They met on the corner and headed onto the path that lead into the small woods.
“Hug me like you’ve never hugged me before Justin””

They hugged . They walked into the woods and sat leaning on the base of a tree.
“I want to sleep here tonight Justin”
“We can do that Cody. My parents are out of town tonight.”
“My parents won’t even care “Cody said
“Hopefully Cody; they will cool their jets and things will settle down”
“I’ll text my brother and let him know. I know he is worried about me “ Cody said pulling his phone from his pocket.

Cody texted his brother and simply typed” Staying with my boyfriend tonight. Love you bro”
The two of them sat beneath the tree. Justin, with his back against the tree and Cody resting his head in Justin’s lap.

“You know Justin; I used to believe in happily ever afters so much. I’m not so sure about it now. Grandma used to say “make sure your own porch is clear of clutter before you find fault with your neighbours”
“You grandma was smart Cody”
“Her and Mom are so different. Mom just sat there and let Dad called me a fag and asked if I was the pitcher or the catcher . She didn’t say a word.
“Did you tell your Dad we didn’t make it to second base yet ? “ Justin laughed
“ You’re an idiot Justin “ Cody replied
“Maybe so but you did smile Cody”

Justin ran his fingers through Cody’s hair ; down the bridge of his nose and onto his lips.
“Sit up for a minute Cody”
Cody leaned onto one shoulder and sat up. Justin turned to Cody and kissed him with eyes wide open.
Brown eyes gazing into blue . Blue eyes gazing back .
Cody was crying. “As much as I feel whole with you Justin, I feel like I am a million broken pieces.
Cody was emotionally drained. He fell asleep in Justin’s lap . When he woke up ; Justin rubbed his head.
“Morning Cody . I love you too. You talk in your sleep. We should head back. It’s Sunday and they are probably waiting on us to go to church.

They walked back out of the woods and went home. Cody pulled out his key and unlocked the door and went in.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Where the hell were you? It looks like you slept in your God damned clothes.” Dad was furious
Cody was steamed . He didn’t really expect this.
“Were you out with one of your boyfriends ?”
Cody’s Dad made him feel like a whore. Cody reached his breaking point for once.
“Yeah Dad ! I was . We spent the night in the woods and it’s one boyfriend . My boyfriend . We kissed and hugged all night !! Yeah Dad ! I love a guy “

Cody was one to never get angry. He just stated the facts .
“I’m going to go get ready for Church now “ Cody said
“We will not be seen with the likes of you in Church”
The likes of you ? Cody was his flesh and blood; and who was his Dad , that could answer for Brian and his Mom. What of their voices ?

Brian walked in “ I can hear you out in the garage Dad ? How was your sleepover Cody ? Go get ready for church; I’ll go with you .”
Cody went to the bedroom and went to his closet and picked out his clothes. He jumped in the shower; dried off and went back to his room. He turned on his laptop and signed onto messenger . He checked his emails and responded to the ones he felt like . He deleted the ones he didn’t want and put the rest in folders.

DING ! “Hey Cody” It was John
“Hey John , I told my parents I was gay. They lost it. My brother told he kind of figured as much”
“They won’t even go to church with me. I can’t talk long . I am getting ready for church. I’ll email you when I get back ; and thanks for sending me the one I just read ,TTYL”
“TTYL my distant friend”

Cody got dressed ,gelled up his hair and went out to the kitchen.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Where’ Mom Brian”
“She’s in their bedroom; getting dressed I think” Brian replied
Cody went to his parents room. Mom was lying on the bed with her hands on her chest looking at the ceiling.
“Are you okay Mom ; Can we talk about this ?”
“Is it anything I ….” Cody cut his Mom off from finishing
“No Mom ; it isn’t anything you did to make me gay. It isn’t anything I did to make me gay. No one made me gay . I’m gay but I am still Cody and I am still your son. If anything Mom; I am everything good about you.”
“I don’t understand Cody. I will never understand” his mom replied
“Well., we can talk about it Mom”
“Not now Cody . Your dad is waiting in the car”
“Will we ever talk about it Mom ; or are you so worried about offending Dad”

Mom put on her shoes and grabbed her purse leaving Cody standing in her bedroom doorway.
“Come on Cody ;let’s go “ Brian yelled

The two went to church; separate from their parents.
Cody thought it was the longest service ever. He felt as though maybe everyone already knew he was gay .
After all his Dad did yell pretty loud out onto the streets.
“Cody’s a fag ; a god damned fag” Cody could hear that in his head over and over.
Cody did wonder , did God damn him. Grandma used to always tell him God didn’t make junk. He listened to Grandma. Cody is a sweet guy. Always helping people ; volunteering sometimes before school and three days a week after school. He was a homework helper for elementary school . Cody thought he wasn’t that bad but now he was wondering if God actually gave a damn .

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody and Brian sat up closer to the front of the church where they usually sat together; as one family. Mom and Dad weren’t there. Cody noticed them sitting them closer sitting to the back of the church . Cody’s Dad shot him a look . Cody already knew it was intentional .

After the service Cody confronted his Mom outside the church.
“Mom ; you and Dad can’t even sit beside me now ? Are you afraid my being gay may be contagious ?”
“Not here Cody and not now” his Mom whispered
“It’s always not now Mom” Cody said loudly
“Stand up for yourself once Mom” Brian added

Mom didn’t say a word until Dad came out.
“Okay guys; here’s your Dad. Don’t upset him”
“Upset him ! What about me ? Do you think this is easy on me . You are my parents. You love me unconditionally or you don’t love me at all”

Mom and Dad just walked away to the car and drove away.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cody and Brian walked on home . They talked and talked. At least Cody knew Brian was in his corner.
Cody hadn’t notice Justin in church . He pulled out his cell phone and dialled his number.
“Hey Justin; I had so much on my mind . I didn’t see you in church.”
“Thanks a lot Cody. Where are you ? I will meet you”
“Hey Brian ; I’m going to hang out with Justin for a bit okay ?”
“Sure thing Cody . You going to be okay ?” Brian responded
“I’ll get through it Brian”

Brian reached over and gave Cody a hug “I will see you when you get home”
Cody walked back towards the church and seen Justin about half way . Justin
waved and they met up.

“Sorry for not noticing you Justin”
“Was it just you and Brian at church today Cody” Justin asked
“No ; my parents sat closer to the exit. I guess they wanted to get away from me
as fast as they could “
“It’s off your plate now Cody . How they deal with it is up to them”

Cody didn’t want them to deal with it . He wanted them to accept him , It was all
tearing Cody apart inside. As much fun he was having with Justin ; on the inside he was crying.
Justin kept him going but Cody knew ,he ; himself needed inner strength

“Lets go to the park for a bit Cody “
They walked to the park and sat on the swings . Cody wasn’t enjoying it as
much as he should.
“I do love you Justin but it scares me. Right now my parents know but eventually
everyone will know. I’m rejected by my own parents.”
“I’m a big boy Cody; don’t worry about me.” Justin said
Cody did worry. He worried about everything . Even things he had no control
over. They sat there for a few hours and headed home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody went straight to his room; knowing talking to his parents was pointless. He
felt like sleeping but it was still early. He’d write in his journal for a bit :

Mom and Dad wouldn’t even sit with me in church today . I was quiet with Justin
I didn’t intend to be . I just don’t want to go on and on to him about being gay.
I want to have things the way they were. I need things to be the way they
were. Would they ever be that way again ? Why is it that when some people
come out it’s so different for them? I want to sleep and not wake up . If I died
tonight would anyone care ; other than Brian and Justin . I wish Grandma was
here, She would set Mom and Dad straight . I have to laugh at that . “Set them
straight “. I am happy being gay but I am miserable too. Does that even make
any sense ? To me it does. It’s so easy for me to write seemingly endless ; but
when it comes to talking , I may as well be mute . There is a lot I would love to
say but I don’t . The world wouldn’t care what I have to say .

“Cody , Can I come in ?” It was Brian
“Sure . Come on in Brian”
“What are you doing bro “ Brian asked
“I keep a journal Brian . You can look through it if you want to”
“That’s your private stuff Cody”
“No , it’s personal Brian; not private. It helps to write it out”
“I’m here for you Cody . I always have been”
“I know you have Brian , but Mom and Dad aren’t”

Cody grabbed his journal and threw it in the night table . He didn’t bother to hide
it away under the other books. He didn’t care who seen it or read it anymore .
He had already lost the respect of his parents.
“Hey Cody; I’ll be in my room if you want to talk”
Brian left Cody’s room shutting the door behind him .
Cody didn’t feel much like talking but he wanted to talk to John and let him know
how he was doing . Cody sent John an email .

Hey John . I just wanted to say hi and let you know things are not good with my
parents . I’ve been reading all the poems you’ve sent me. I would start on the
one I promised you , but my mind’s not really into it. I will get it done and send it
to you for your birthday. I think things with Justin are changing . He deserves
more attention than I can give him but I don’t want him to stress about me . I will
talk to you soon. Your distant friend , Cody

Cody sent the email and turned out the light . He lay in bed with his cell phone.

He wondered if Justin was awake. He dialled the number.
“Hey Cody , I was just about to call you “ Justin said
“Hey Justin, I’m sorry for being distant. I don’t want to drag you down with me .
“Will I ever be okay”. It seemed that every time he talked to Justin he would end
up crying .
“Hey it’s okay Cody to cry . Do you want to come to dinner tomorrow night. It is
fine with my parents”
“They know we are seeing each other Justin; and they are okay with it”
“They are more than okay with it Cody ; my parents love you”
“Yeah , okay then , what time?”
“Around six Cody. I am going to get some shut-eye. See you tomorrow and I love
you”
“I love you too Justin” Cody hung up the phone

Cody didn’t sleep much. It was too quiet in the house . Dad was always in the
garage and Mom was almost always laying in bed with her hands on her chest.
Even Mom and Dad were quiet with each other
.“What the hell have I done ?! “ Cody said aloud
“Bro; you didn’t do anything wrong .” Brian said sliding in beside Cody
“Hey remember we used to do this as kids Cody” Brian pulled the blankets up
over their heads; raising his knees.
“We made bed tents and pretend we were campers”
“But we’re not kids anymore Brian”
“Yeah ! So What. We can still have fun”
“I wish I was still a kid Brian . I wouldn’t be having to deal with this”
“Yeah; you would Cody. Eventually you would be nineteen and it would still be
there for you . Can I ask you something Cody?” Brian asked
“Ask me whatever you want”
“When did you know you were gay Cody?”
“I think I was fourteen when I thought I was gay but it wasn’t until I met and got to know Justin that I knew I was gay “
“Yeah , Justin’s a sweet guy . You are lucky to have each other”
“What I don’t get Brian is that ; how come me and Justin do the same things
straight people do . It’s made out to be bad. Yeah; we hug and kiss and say I
love you to each other . So why is it a big deal ?”
“Because people are ignorant Cody”
“I don’t even like calling myself gay Brian. I don’t like labels . I know other gays
who are in it for the sex and that’s all some talk about and how many guys
they’ve had. I know straight people who do the same . I’m Cody. I’m not them”
“I’m glad who you are Cody and if being gay makes you happy; I am glad you are
gay , but most of all I am glad you are my brother. Hey. I am going to jump in the
shower. Get some sleep Cody. I love you little brother”

Cody threw off the blankets. He had to write:
At least Brian’s in my corner with this whole gay thing. Why should we need
people in our corners ? We should all be free to be who we are. I don’t think
that will ever change. Even if Mom and Dad were to say they are sorry ; I
wonder if I could accept it. After all ; they didn’t accept me with open arms . I
only hear I love you from Justin, Brian and my online friend John. I haven’t heard
my parents say it lately. I haven’t written about how some of my friends have
reacted. Some weren’t really friends after all . I get the typical words thrown at
me but somehow when I hear “God damned Fag” it hurt most when my Dad
used those words. Everyone who knows Justin is fine with it . Some even think
we are a cute couple and assumed I was gay long ago because I hung out with
Justin so much . There’s another assumption I dislike . Can’ t someone be a
friend to a gay person without people thinking “Oh he must be gay too !” The
ones at school I can cope with . Being friends with Justin before we were a
couple ; I learned how Justin handled them .
I wish grandma was here or I could be with her ; but she’s dead; so that’s a scary
thought but one that has been on my mind . I am having dinner tomorrow at
Justin’s . Maybe I will see if he wants to go see a movie afterwards. I spent
some time with Brian today. It was really cool .

Cody flipped the page in his journal . He started to write the poem he had
promised John he would write. Cody knew John was right; writing did help but
he couldn’t write all the time . When he stopped writing everything was still the
same . He was still gay and his parents pretty well blocked him out .

Cody began writing :

They say family is blood and kin
But what you mean to me ; I don’t know where to begin
You may be far away from here…………………………..

Cody scribbled on the page almost putting the pen through the paper.
He thought his poem was bad so he stopped; threw his pen down and tossed his
book into the side table. It was close to six and Cody headed to Justin’s for
Supper.

Cody rang the doorbell and waited . The door opened and Justin’s Mom stood there
with a wide smile on her face.
“Come on in Cody. We haven’t seen you around for awhile. We’ve missed you. Go on
down to the rec room . Justin and his Dad are down there playing pinball. Let me take
your jacket”

Cody stepped into the foyer and Justin’s Mom shut the door. Cody went down to the
basement; stepping over the cat who was lounging on the top step.

“Hey Cody; glad to see you.” Justin’s Dad hollered up the stairs
“Nice to see you too” Cody replied
“Hey Cody. Glad you decided to come over. I’m kicking Dad’s ass on pinball. We’re
almost done here; then I’ll have a game with you” Justin said.

Cody pulled a bar stool over to the pinball machine and watched . Cody remembered
the pinball machine so well . He and Justin used to play it all the time. It was the first
thing they did together. Just the two of them.
Cody remembered when Justin’s parents were away and Justin told him he was gay .

“So. Why tell me Justin?” Cody remembered saying
Cody never made a deal about anyone being gay or straight; even before he knew he;
himself was.
“You ever kissed a guy Cody” Brian had asked him a few years ago
“I’ve kissed my brother” was Cody’s response
“No; I mean REALLY kissed a guy Cody .”

It wasn’t all that long after that discussion that Justin asked “Can I kiss you Cody”
Cody hesitated at first and then agreed
“Only if you are sure Cody” Justin said
Cody wasn’t sure then; but he allowed Justin to kiss him. Cody remembered how it felt
like it was electricity coursing through his veins . His heart seemed to beat faster and
inside he felt really happy. That was the one and only kiss they would share for a long
time.
“Only if you are sure Cody”
Cody was more than sure now; watching Justin play pinball. Cody just wanted to grab
Justin and turn him around and kiss him . One long eternal kiss.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Two games to one Dad. Who’s the man NOW ?” Justin yelled
“Okay Cody . It’s your turn. Prepare to face defeat”

Justin’s Dad moved away from the pinball machine and Cody took his place.
“So ; how’s my man Cody today ?” Justin asked
“I’m doing okay” Cody replied
Justin gave Cody a kiss on the lips.
“There now you feel any better than just Okay?” Justin asked

Cody looked stunned. Justin’s Dad was in the room. He had seen the kiss.
“Hey Cody. You are both consenting adults. You both know what you are doing and
who am I to stand in the way of your happiness. Now; I’m going to help finish up
supper.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“You mean; that doesn’t bother him Justin. You just laid a lip lock on me in front of your
Dad”
“Does it bother you that I did it Cody?” Justin asked
“Not at all but it felt awkward but your Dad’s okay with it.”

Cody and Justin played pinball until Justin’s Dad shouted “Okay you guys, supper is on
the table.

There they were. Four of them at one table. Cody hadn’t sat at the table in a while with
his family. Sometimes; he and Brian and their Mom would. Mom was always quiet.
Dad was usually in the garage . It was like he didn’t want to be in the same house with
Cody .

Justin’s Mom had made a pot roast and garlic potatoes and mixed vegetables. After
they were done eating Cody thanked them.

“Hey Justin. Do you want to go to a movie tonight ?”
“Hey . Save your money Cody . I will run you two down to pick up some DVD’s to watch.
Me and the Mrs have a movie date in the living room. Make it an all-nighter Cody.
You’re off to college in the fall. Get in all the fun you can” Justin’s Dad said
“Yeah Cody” Justin chimed in “Watch movies here and spend the night”
Cody was nineteen. He didn’t really need his parents permission but he did want Brian
to know he would be spending the night so he called and let Brian know.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cody and Justin sat on the futon in the den watching movies.
“Wish my parents were like your’s Justin. They are so accepting”
“Yeah, I guess I really lucked out twice. Once for having my parents and having you as my boyfriend”
“Thanks Justin but…” Cody joked “I don’t have no ring on my finger”
“Well then; we’ll have to do something about that won’t we ?”

Justin got up off the futon; turned his back to Cody and went into his pocket. After a few minutes ; Justin bowed on one knee in front of Cody.
“You are such a spaz Justin; I was only kidding.”
In some odd Shakespearean English voice Justin said “ Love is nothing to be ashamed of. Accept this ring of pure silver; I place upon your finger and we are betrothed.”
Cody rolled his eyes .
“It’s obvious why you flunked English Justin and this ring looks like aluminium foil”
Justin flopped back onto the futon.
“Hey ; it came through in a pinch”
Justin leaned into Cody and gave him a deep kiss.
“How fitting Justin. You made my ring from the wrapper of Juicy Fruit gum”
They both laughed.

Cody hadn’t smiled or laughed so much in a long time. He knew it wouldn’t be long lasting. Tomorrow he would be back home. He couldn’t wait until college started just to get away.

It was close to two in the morning when the movies were over. They brought the popcorn bowl back upstairs and headed to Justin’s room. Justin’s Mom and Dad were still sitting on the sofa. Mom had her head in Dad’s lap and Dad was rubbing her shoulders. . Cody wondered. How is it different than what he and Justin did ? It wasn’t. Cody chalked it up to “the world is fucked up”. Maybe Cody is right.

“Night Mom. Night Dad” Justin said; bending over and kissing both his parents.
“Goodnight” Cody said “Thanks for letting me spend the night”
Justin’s Dad rose from the sofa and gave Cody a big hug .
“Hey; chin up Cody ! We’ll see you in the morning.”
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody and Justin both sat up on the bed; heads propped up on the headboard; resting on pillows. They held hands and looked into each other’s eyes.
“I am so lucky to have you in my life Cody”
“I’m the lucky one Justin” Cody responded
“I guess we are both lucky Cody. It’s late; we should be getting to sleep”
Justin reached over and turned out the light. Cody stretched his arm over Justin’s bare chest and gently ribbed his fingers along Justin’s hip. Justin turned on his side and faced Cody ; reached over and kissed him.
“This is bothering you a lot more than you’re letting on; isn’t it Cody ? You look like you’ve lost weight and that twinkle you’ve always had in your eye isn’t as vibrant.”
“It’s constantly there Justin. I think of what I’ve done to my parents . I’ve pushed them away from me and from each other”
“Cody; I don’t want to talk bad about your parents but they’ve done this to you and they’ve done it to themselves. Do you want me to talk to your parents with you ?
“It won’t make any difference Justin. My parents hate me for who I am.”

Cody shifted over and put his head on Justin’s chest. Justin stroked Cody’s hair. Cody’s tears ran from his eyes onto Justin’s chest.
“I feel dead inside Justin. Sometimes I really wish I were dead. I hate feeling this way”

Cody fell asleep with his head resting on Justin’s chest. Justin stayed awake for awhile . Now it was his turn to cry . Justin loved Cody so much . It tore him apart to see Cody how he was .
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The morning sun shone through the curtains. Justin was the first to wake. He lay in bed perfectly still. He didn’t want to wake Cody . He just stayed there staring at Cody ; thinking of Cody ; thinking of nothing or anyone else. When Cody did wake up he gave Justin a kiss.
“You been awake long?” Cody asked
“About an hour or so”
“You should have woken me up”
“You looked so peaceful Cody”
Justin gave him another kiss and hopped out of bed ; pulling on his pyjama bottoms.
“Come on Cody . I am going to cook us some breakfast”
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Justin made Cody and his parents waffles and bacon.
After breakfast Cody said he was going home to try to talk to his parents .
“You sure you don’t want me to go with you Cody” Justin asked
“No; I want to do this. I have to do this . I have to try” Cody replied
Cody thanked Justin’s parents .
“Thank you for letting me spend the night.”

Justin’s parents walked Cody to the door ; giving him hugs and a kiss on the cheek.
“Call me later and let me know how it goes Cody”
Justin gave Cody a kiss and Cody walked out the door and down the street
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brian was in the kitchen washing the breakfast dishes .
“Hey Brian; Where’s Mom and Dad? I am going to try talking to them one more time”
“They went into town for a bit Cody. They shouldn’t be too long. Are your sure you want to talk to them ? They’ve pretty well shut you out. How was the sleep over at Justin’s?”
“I have to try talking Brian. They may have shut me out of their lives but I haven’t shut them out of mine. It was cool at Justin’s . We played pinball and watched a few movies”
“And?” Brian added with a wink.
“And then we went to bed” Cody answered
“I’m going to jump in the shower Justin”
Cody took a shower and went to his room . He wrote in his journal:
Last night I spent the night with Justin. It was the first full night we spent together in one bed. To me ; there was no difference in it than what I’ve seen in romantic movies. It was no different than seeing my own parents in bed. The only difference was that it was me and Justin; but still, it was and is about love. Love is Love . It has no gender; so why do people complicate it. I fell asleep with my head on Justin’s bare chest. I could smell a mixture of him and his cologne on me. Every time I smell that cologne; I only think of Justin. I dreamed of how it would be if I never told my parents I am gay. I know it would make them happy but inside I would be lying to myself. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to be like everyone else? I want to tell anyone who wants to hear it . Justin is my boyfriend and I love him and he loves me. I am going to be talking to Mom and Dad when they get home. I’m not going to ask them to tolerate me . I am telling them they have to accept me. All of me. Not just what makes them happy . I am like a trophy to them; I think. I was accepted into my Dad’s alma mater ; no small feat. I am kind of like a trophy to Dad but now I guess I am tarnished . At least in their eyes. In four months or so; I will be at college. I wonder if it will be easier away from here but I will miss Just….

Cody heard the front door open. He tossed the journal into the open drawer and went into the kitchen. Mom and Dad were putting the groceries away .
“Mom. Dad. We have to talk. We are going to talk. All of this silence is tearing my heart out.”
“Where the hell were you last night Cody !? “ Dad boomed
“I was with Justin . Brian knew I was.”
“You spent the night with that pretty boy fag in one bed”
“Hey ; don’t talk about Justin that way” Cody yelled back
“Defensive are we ? “ Dad said ; without looking at Cody
“If you are going to talk to me Dad; at least look at me”
Cody put his hands on his Dad’s shoulders ; hoping to get him to look at him
“Get your hands off of me Cody !”
Dad went to raise a hand and Brian jumped in between them.
“ I told you Cody; talking to them isn’t worth it . Dad is too pig headed and Mom is just too damned afraid of saying anything” Brian said
“Brian. This is my life. If I don’t try to talk to them; it’s like saying my life isn’t worth talking about”
“You’re right Cody . This life of yours you chose isn’t worth talking about. All of a sudden you decide you are gay and I’m supposed to accept it. Took you nineteen years to make up your mind that you like doing boys” Dad shouted
Cody was very upset and hurt. He was crying.
“Yeah Dad ! That’s it . I decided I wanted to be gay . I wanted to be ignored and unloved by my parents and some of my friends . Who the hell would choose that life ?”
Dad didn’t flinch. He continued to put the groceries away . Mom stood there; not saying a word.
“Cody; you’re Mom and I gave you so much. This is what we get in return. A faggot for a son who spends the night sleeping with a pretty boy ?”
“You liked Justin Dad. You never said a word against him before. It’s only now you say shit like that because I am gay and I love him”
“Justin’s not my son though ! I don’t care who’s gay . Just not my son” Dad boomed
“Yeah Dad. You don’t care at all about me. Mom; why don’t you say anything. Use your own voice. It was you who told me when I was a kid that as long as I was happy with who I was or what I choose to do with my life it would make you happy . You said not to let anyone get in my way Mom. Now it’s you who is getting in the way . Talk to me Mom ; please !?”
Mom stood there; glancing quickly at Cody and went about putting the vegetables in the fridge.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cody went back to his room; turned on the computer and sent John a message :
John - I trued talking to my parents . They won’t listen. If they do ; they don’t want to hear it . I can’t live like this . I need my parents to accept me.
John wasn’t online. He would get the message when he signed on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody went back into the kitchen . Mom was sitting at the table . Dad was nowhere to be seen.
“Mom” No reply.
“Mom” Cody repeated loudly
Mom looked up from the table; tears running down her face.
“Hey Mom; where’s Dad” Cody gently asked
Mom nodded her head towards the garage.
“This is seriously affecting you Mom. Talk to me”
“Let your Dad go through the motions Cody” Mom said quietly
“What about you Mom? What do you think of all of this ? How do feel about me being gay ?”
“Cody ; I love you but this is a disappointment to your Dad”
A disappointment. Dad walked in from the garage.
“Cody; don’t bother your Mom. She hasn’t been sleeping. You do know what this has done to her ; don’t you , or do you only care about yourself. Your Mom needs sleeping pills to sleep”
“You think I’ve been sleeping Dad !? I don’t care just about myself. I care about you and Mom and Brian too , but Mom’s too afraid too say anything . She doesn’t say anything because she doesn’t want to upset you Dad” Cody said loudly
“Mom . Say something. Anything . Mom was sitting back at the table; hands cupped under her chin; tears in her eyes .
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cody went back to his room and called Justin.
“It went nowhere Justin. If anything it’s much worse. Talking to Mom is like talking to a wall. Dad was pissed I didn’t call when I stayed at your place”
“What are you doing later Cody?” Justin asked
“Nothing Justin. It’s not like we have family time anymore . What do you have in mind ?” Cody asked
“Meet me at seven at the park entrance Cody”
Cody hung up the phone and checked his emails . John must have signed on when he was in the kitchen but he was offline again . John had left a message :
Cody I am so sorry things aren’t going so well for you right now. I sent you some new writing I did.

Cody picked up his journal and turned to the poem he was writing John for his birthday . John had told Cody that writing can help get things out of your head . It did help but it was still there. John’s birthday was soon. Cody picked up where he had left off :
You may be far away from here
But we are close in heart ….
Cody wrote a bit more but was once again stuck . He was writing it for John . Cody appreciated everything John said or wrote for him . John seemed to care more about him than his own father .
Cody’s mind was everywhere . He wanted to be writing in his journal. He wanted to finish up John’s poem. He wanted to be in Justin’s arms. He wanted to be a kid again; in his Mom’s arms while she gently rocked him to sleep . His Mom used to kiss the little cuts and scrapes and say “I’ll kiss all your boo-boos away. Mom couldn’t kiss this away . Being gay wasn’t a boo-boo. No matter what people said; Cody knew he was who he was. It was no accident.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was close to seven . Cody headed to the park . Justin had said it was a surprise. He already knew he was meeting Justin at the park. What could the surprise be ? He would soon find out.
“Hey Cody !” Justin jumped from a tree; landing in front of Cody
“You scared the crap out of me Justin”
Cody punched Justin on the arm.
“That’s quite the punch on you Cody” Justin rubbed his arm
“Sorry Justin . I am so pissed off ! So ; What’s the big surprise?”
“First this; which is no surprise” Justin said giving Cody a kiss
“Follow me and soon you will see”
Justin and Cody walked on into the woods.
“Where are we going Justin?”
“Be patient Cody. You will see in a moment”
They walked a bit further into the woods.
“Okay Cody. There you go”
At the base of the tree ; the tree where they had fallen asleep ; Justin had carved a heart into the bark. In the heart were both their initials; CB and JM 4EVER
“It’s beautiful Justin” Cody said
“Not as beautiful as you are Cody”
Cody pulled Justin into him; gently grabbing him by the hips and kissing him; holding him tight.
“That’s not all Cody ! Come On !”
Justin grabbed Cody by the hand and they went running further into the woods.
“What the hell Justin; a tent. I can’t sleep here . I already got in trouble for staying at your house”
“How can you possibly get in anymore trouble than you already had?” Justin asked
“As sweet as it is Justin; I can’t”
“I won’t pressure you Cody. You already have plenty on your mind. We can do it another time before it gets too cold. Can you stay for a bit longer though Cody ?”
“Yeah I can ; for a bit but I am talking to my Mom when I get home”
Justin and Cody stayed and lay in the tent holding each other tightly .
“I should get going before Mom heads to bed Justin”
“I’ll walk you back Cody”
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Cody stood outside his parent’s bedroom door.
“Mom , Can I talk to you ?”
Mom was lying in her bed.
“Mom; all you do is lie in the bed. We have to talk Mom. I love you and Dad without putting conditions on you so why can’t you love me the same?”
“It’s getting late Cody. Pass me my pills. I need to sleep.”
“I need to talk Mom” Cody said verging on crying
“Maybe in the morning Cody”
Cody grabbed the pills and handed them to his Mom and left the room .
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Cody was back in his room when Brian walked in.
“Hey Bro ! I heard you talking to Mom , She will come around”
“I am so glad you are okay with it Brian.”
“Cody. Never doubt that I love you . There’s nothing that you can do or say that would make me change my mind”
“Justin and you are all I have Brian”
Cody cried. Brian held him close.
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“CODY !! “ It was Cody’s Dad “Get in here now”
“I’ll go with you Cody” said Brian
Brian and Cody went into the kitchen where Dad was standing.
“I called for Cody ; not you Brian”
“Dad; I’m not letting Cody stand here while you jump all over him”
Dad stepped closer to Cody ; lifted a finger and pointed it directly in Cody’s face.
“I am right in front of you . Don’t poke your finger in my face !” Cody said loudly
“Can’t you just talk calmly to Cody Dad. Stop with the power trip already.” Brian said
“Your Mom and I have been doing some thinking Cody. You are off to college in the fall. We think it is best you move out. You are causing to much stress”
“Mom doesn’t even think for herself anymore Dad. She’s afraid to say anything. For the longest time people had the impression that we were the perfect family. To bright ; do well kids, but when I tell you that I am gay ; there goes that impression. And what about my stress Dad ? You don’t care about anything but the impression . And what about you yelling down the streets; telling everyone I was gay. Oh wait a minute. I am god damned fag! Where am I supposed to go ? “ Cody said
“Why don’t you just go live with Justin . I am sure he will welcome you into his bed . You sure weren’t in a rush to get home the other night “ Dad fumed

Cody wondered where his Mom was . Surely to God she had to hear them .
“Dad . Cody is off to school in less than five months anyway”
“This isn’t your decision Brian. Its mine.” Dad said firmly
“What about Mom ? What does she want ?”
“Don’t question me Brian ; end of the week Cody’s out of here . That’s the end of it !”
Dad left the room leaving Cody and Brian dumbfounded .
“What am I going to do Brian?”
Cody fell to the floor on his knees and cried. Brian knelt down beside him and rubbed Cody’s shoulders.
“we’ll think of something Cody”
“I have to talk to Justin; Brian. I need Justin”

Cody went to his room and called Justin. After telling him what had happened ; Justin said he would see him in a half an hour and they would talk.
Cody wanted to ; he had to finish the poem for John’s birthday . He grabbed the journal and his pen and finished writing the poem with time to spare. Cody wanted his Mom to know how this all affected him. He wrote:
Dear Mom: I am writing this hoping you read it. You don’t seem to listen to me or even acknowledge me . I LOVE YOU . Even though I’ve been made to look like Friday’s trash. I love you . I remember when I was a little kid and you would hold me close until I fell asleep . I am not a kid anymore but I would love for you to hold me close and say you love me and make my boo boos go away . Being gay isn’t a boo boo Mom but how I feel inside is one big boo boo. I am everything good about you . I love you .

Cody set the journal on his bed and signed onto messenger. John was online.
“Hey John. I can’t stay long. I am meeting Justin . I finished your poem . I will copy it into an email and send it to you soon . I have to say thank you for always being there for me . Don’t think I am weird or anything but I love you”
“Cody; it’s okay . Love is an attraction of the heart. Friendship is a two way street. You are there for me too Cody. You make it sound like it’s goodbye. You know I never say goodbye because what’s good about bye? I will see you !”
“I just wanted you to know how everything you’ve sent me or said to me was so important. I have to go John. Goodbye my distant friend”
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Cody signed off messenger and headed out to meet Justin.
Justin ran full speed into Cody; jumping up and wrapping his legs around Cody’s waist.
“Hey Justin” Cody simply said
Justin kissed him
“I will see if you can stay at my place Cody”
“No Justin . This is my issue . I will deal with it.”
“I am your boyfriend Cody; so it’s my issue too. I love you”
“Other than you and Brian; I have no one: Cody said “Justin; I love you so much but I am lost . You are my everything I have ever wanted but I want my parents to love me . I need their love”
Justin hugged Cody and Cody hugged back like they had never hugged before.
“I am kind of wiped today Justin . I think I going to make it an early night. One thing I know for sure is how much I love you. I hope you know how much I love you.”
Cody gave Justin a deep kiss and hugged Justin .
Cody headed off back home ;turning once more to say “I Love You”
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Back in his room Cody took the letter he had written for his Mom. He walked into his parent’s bedroom. Mom was sleeping. Dad was working the late shift. Cody left the letter on the night stand; bent over and kissed his Mom on the forehead. “ I love you Mom”
Mom stirred a bit in the bed but she didn’t wake up. Cody was in tears. He hadn’t talked to his Mom in what seemed to him ; forever. Cody noticed the bottle of pills on her night table and went back to his room .
Cody lay on top of his blankets and wrote in his journal of his love for Justin and his brother and his Mom and Dad : Justin: We always wished on stars wishing for what made us both happy . The sun ; the moon and the stars . I saw all of that in you . Brian - If I could have chosen a more perfect brother; I couldn’t . You were always there for me . You were my best friend too. Mom and Dad - even though I didn’t turn out to be the “perfect ………..”
Cody fell asleep writing.
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“Cody ! Cody ! Wake up !”Brian was yelling
“MOM ! DAD ! Cody won’t wake up! “ Brian was shaking Cody but Cody didn’t wake up
Mom and Dad came running into the room. They both shook him . He wouldn’t wake up.
Brian grabbed the phone and called 911 .
When the paramedics arrived Brian was holding Cody’s hand talking to him; pleading. It was no use. Cody was dead.
Mom, Dad and Brian stood there in stunned silence. Cody’s Mom and Dad were sobbing uncontrollably .

Cody could have used those tears , their care and compassion when he was live. It wasn’t just one life that was lost May 29 th. Mom ,Dad, Brian Justin and so many others were adversely affected . If only they could have accepted Cody; things would likely be different.
Brian was the one to tidy up Cody’s room .
Cody’s computer was still on.
DING ! Someone signed into messenger
“Hey Cody !”
“John; this is Cody’s brother; Brian . Cody died two days ago”

I am John . Joe is John . I met Cody online and although I never had the privilege of meeting him ; I learned a great deal from him . I was dealing with my own issues . Even though Cody was dealing with his own; he would always ask how I was doing and he would offer advice or tell me the most stupid jokes just to get me to laugh. He did crazy dances on his webcam . When he told me he was gay ; it was no deal to me . I loved him for who he was and is. He is still in my thoughts and my heart. I hope in reading this that some people understand to what depths harsh words; unacceptance or even silence can do . Why is loving someone for who they are such a deal ? It shouldn’t be . I miss you Cody. This has been the most emotionally draining story I had to write, But you are worth that and so much more.

ink smeared thoughts

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Haiti Needs US -ALL

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Cody's Story

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Codys Story now for sale . Benefitting local LGBT Group

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

This is "For Someone" and Everyone is a Someone