Goodbye My Friend- a retrospect of four years

It was early morning May 30 2009 when I woke up much earlier than usual.  I remember the red l.e.d lights on the clock radio showing 5:47 a.m.  I was restless the night before and don't even recall sleeping.
I had always left the computer on; with speaker volume all the way up.  I kept it on for a few reasons, but primarily for a few of the MSN groups I was a part of or moderated.
I would hear the "ping" of someone messaging me.  These were not chat rooms like some wrongly assume I partook of.  That is another bone of contention with me; being gay men frequently lurk and maneuver about "chat rooms" but that is not a discussion for here.
Though I do not remember sleeping the prior evening; I do not recall hearing any "pings".
If I didn't sleep; why did I not hear them?
I sat on my window sill, which was wide and deep enough to sit and see my computer.
PING
Clear as a bell.
On the screen were several other messages sent to me prior to this latest ping.
Some of you may have heard me talk; some say incessantly about my friend Cody or Cody's Story.
This is about him.
The latest ping was from Cody's brother. Brian.
"Joe. Cody killed himself last night"
It sounded so cold to me the way Brian typed it, but then; how else could he have said it.
It would still be a devastating loss and I know how close Cody and Brian were; especially after Cody came out gay to his parents.  I had a feeling what Cody had already done; even before Brian typed it to me.
Two of the previous messages on my screen were from Cody, sent the night before he killed himself.
"Joe. I know it’s late. My dad is kicking me out for good tonight. My mom’s letting it happen. I have nowhere to go. I guess you’re not home"
I was home.
Why hadn't I heard the pings when the messages came?
Second message from Cody. Sent only 11 minutes later.
"All my stuff is on the street. Dad threw it out. Mom says I can stay just tonight. Why do you have to live so far away? XO.bye"
The word "bye" hit home and that's when I imagine Cody snuck into his mother’s room and took a handful of her pills.
Cody like myself never said "bye"
It was always "cya"

How I felt then; I couldn't even put words too
Now I think it was that I failed him. I felt guilt, remorse, loss, anger, confused, betrayed and as far as thinking I hated him.
I spent the majority of the day in my pajama bottoms; standing in the shower with the hottest water my skin could bear washing over me.
It was then I wrote...
"Sometimes I shower three or four times a day
It's not that I need them, but they wash the tears away
My tears blend with the water so no one sees my pain
If tears come back, I will just shower again"

That poem I did share with you but never said where and when the words and the emotions in those words came to fruition.
That same day I wrote a poem for Cody. Writing it helped me heal and now I think it is about time I share it with you.
I sang it at the time; loudly in the shower; hoping with all hope that I would not hear myself sobbing or realizing I was about to lose it.
If you have not read Cody's Story; please do.
If you have; please read it again.
Homophobia from parents is still a major contributor of youths who are in conflict or questioning their own sexuality.
I also found that with my friendship with Cody; that though it was a friendship at arm’s length-hearts connected can still hurt.
Though he was in the Midwest of America and I living in suburbia Ontario Canada; it didn't soften the blow.
Though I myself never say goodbye I call this poem or song...
Goodbye my friend
Goodbye my friend
Until we meet again
Our paths will cross again
Of that I'm sure
Goodbye my friend; though you're not here
A great friend you were and that is clear
We stayed up late ;had much to say
Until that fateful day.
I miss you.
My heart is sore
I wish I could have helped you more
Goodbye my friend
This is not the end
In Heaven ; I know you'll be at peace
Where pain and hatred cease
Goodbye my friend
I miss my friend
Journey on.

Cody's Story can be read in its entirety here :  http://joelethbridge.blogspot.ca/2010/01/codys-story.html

 unfortunately I am unable to post the audio here. Once I post it to facebook I will provide the link.

Thank you to an author

Dear Mr. Wilson
I am sure you are receiving emails fast and furiously in praise and much appreciation for "redefining success-still making mistakes, and rightfully so. I read the book in one sitting last night.
This email may very well be lost in the shuffle but I wanted to thank you. I am a writer so likely this will be lengthy.
I eyed the book at our public library and honestly thought "great another get rich quick scheme" but then I came to my own conclusion. You and Arlene Dickinson seem to be the most grounded on dragons den. That and the fact; bubbles from trailer park boys gave it a review.
Though I am not financially successful.
I had worked at an internationally known not for profit from 2003 to April 2009 when it was decided the location I managed in Cambridge Ontario was no longer profitable.
I started as a volunteer and was manager by 2007.
Losing my job was one thing; but to see my employees; but more important to me; seeing volunteers I trained and mentored gone. These volunteers had emotional, educational and physical barriers. My location mentored them when other places would not.
Some returned to their homes and cloistered once again playing video games for extended periods of time.
It caused me much anxiety and depression; which I am still dealing with pharmaceutically.
I found myself to be anything but a success at the tine but looking back I was a success. It was the higher powers that be, the board of directors on up to the CEO that failed. They focused on the dollar rather than what the founder; J Edgar Helms desired. Offering a hand up rather than a hand out.
Though I have not been able to work since April 2009 due to depression.
I recall still having keys a week later; going into the thrift store; leaning on a wall and slumping to the floor in tears.
I remember every volunteer that myself and my staff mentored. I still see many of them who still thank me.
That defines my success.
Helping others but not forgetting about yourself and never your moral compass.
Though I am on limited income I still find ways to help.
I volunteer with my local AIDS committee and local food bank. I make hand beaded jewelry from donated broken jewelry and try selling it to donate funds to the local AIDS committee and a few other charities.
Luckily I have been invited to two local events later in May and June.
I am open about my depression and have written much about it and public speaks on it.
People define me as anything but a success because I rent an apartment in a seedy part of Cambridge. I am on Ontario works and waiting on decision from Ontario disability.
I am a success in more ways than I am a failure.
Thank you so much for redefining success. I still make mistakes but really; would we learn anything if we didn’t.

Joe Lethbridge
Cambridge Ontario
May 4 2013
Ps I have my spa appointment booked