I feel lonely most of the time.
When I sleep I have no dreams
I have blank thoughts-no one to be seen
I wake up and often scream
Am I that bad that no one really cares for me
I want to be loved-the way it should be
I’m either “too old “ or “crazy loco”
I have a heart that beats like you
To find happiness what do I do ?
If I change who I am; then I’m not being me
I just wanna be loved – Lord ! Set me free
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Crying on the Outside
I’m crying on the outside –dying on the inside
But you don’t care-No you don’t care
When you needed me I was there
But now I need you and you don’t care
You turned from me and walked away
You found someone new to spend your days
I will never love again- I can’t tolerate the pain
I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
But you don’t care-No you don’t care
I shared my hopes and dreams with you
That’s another dream that won’t come true
I had you in my soul –I had you in my heart
But then something happened ,and tore it all apart
You said you’d never leave my side
But today I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
And you’re nowhere to be seen
I can only imagine; what may have been
Life is about choices- I guess I wasn’t one
I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
I never wanted us to be done.
But you don’t care-No you don’t care
When you needed me I was there
But now I need you and you don’t care
You turned from me and walked away
You found someone new to spend your days
I will never love again- I can’t tolerate the pain
I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
But you don’t care-No you don’t care
I shared my hopes and dreams with you
That’s another dream that won’t come true
I had you in my soul –I had you in my heart
But then something happened ,and tore it all apart
You said you’d never leave my side
But today I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
And you’re nowhere to be seen
I can only imagine; what may have been
Life is about choices- I guess I wasn’t one
I’m crying on the outside-dying on the inside
I never wanted us to be done.
Finding Me
FINDING ME
If I can stretch my hand -to hold your hand; just until you are okay
If I can reach across the miles –just to make you smile
If I can offer a shoulder for you cry on
I stretch my hand because I care
I reach through distance because I care
I offer my shoulder because I care
Because at times; I ; too was there
I will be here when you need to cry
I’ll even wipe the tears away
Today may bring sadness
But tomorrow's another day
Will you stretch your hand –to hold my hand ; until I am okay
Would you reach across the miles-just to make me smile
Would you offer me your shoulder for me to cry on
You’d stretch your hand because you care
You’d reach long distance because you care
You’d offer me a shoulder because you care
Because at times; you ; too were there
Will you be there when I need to cry
And will you wipe my tears away
Today may bring sadness
But tomorrow's another day
If you can say yes to all I’ve asked in these words above
Then truthfully I can respond; those actions are of love
The truest form of love that’s pure
A friendships formed ;of that I ‘m sure
I’d sooner find the purest love
That comes from pure emotion
Than to lay down my morals and go for “the action “
Pure love gives me the truest satisfaction
If I can stretch my hand -to hold your hand; just until you are okay
If I can reach across the miles –just to make you smile
If I can offer a shoulder for you cry on
I stretch my hand because I care
I reach through distance because I care
I offer my shoulder because I care
Because at times; I ; too was there
I will be here when you need to cry
I’ll even wipe the tears away
Today may bring sadness
But tomorrow's another day
Will you stretch your hand –to hold my hand ; until I am okay
Would you reach across the miles-just to make me smile
Would you offer me your shoulder for me to cry on
You’d stretch your hand because you care
You’d reach long distance because you care
You’d offer me a shoulder because you care
Because at times; you ; too were there
Will you be there when I need to cry
And will you wipe my tears away
Today may bring sadness
But tomorrow's another day
If you can say yes to all I’ve asked in these words above
Then truthfully I can respond; those actions are of love
The truest form of love that’s pure
A friendships formed ;of that I ‘m sure
I’d sooner find the purest love
That comes from pure emotion
Than to lay down my morals and go for “the action “
Pure love gives me the truest satisfaction
Drive and Determination
Drive and determination are two of the most motivating factors in everything we choose to do in our lives ; both on a personal and professional level. Faith is also another. Not necessarily faith in a god entity but faith in ourselves.
We all have our own moral compass ; it’s entirely up to us if we heed the voice that internal compass gives us. It’s not always easy to do what you really want to when you have one person saying “You’re crazy !” or “ I think that’s a big mistake “
.
We all make mistakes and we live with them; hopefully learn from them as well .
I have often listened to people gripe about the way I had made decisions in my life . My life ! I would sooner make my own decisions in life rather than let others decide for me.
I have ; as most others have allowed others to influence their decisions and deeply regret them. I have the drive and determination to do what I feel is right by me . I ; alone will be responsible for them .
Those who know me well; know my true character. Yes ; I may be “different” than the average person of my age ; but I am not average; as is no one else. We are all unique. I am not a 25th century droid that walk and talk alike. I have never lifted a hand in anger and hit out at anyone. Although I am not “religious” ; I am spiritual . I do not follow one particular religion ; rather I let my moral compass guide me. If my decisions,drive and determination don’t hurt anyone; what’s the deal ?
If it were not for drive and determination ,we would all be someones puppet on a string .
I am going for it ! You can say Good luck but don’t stand in my way please.
Life is for the living –I am going to live mine. Will you live yours by your drive and determination as well ?
Peace and Love
We all have our own moral compass ; it’s entirely up to us if we heed the voice that internal compass gives us. It’s not always easy to do what you really want to when you have one person saying “You’re crazy !” or “ I think that’s a big mistake “
.
We all make mistakes and we live with them; hopefully learn from them as well .
I have often listened to people gripe about the way I had made decisions in my life . My life ! I would sooner make my own decisions in life rather than let others decide for me.
I have ; as most others have allowed others to influence their decisions and deeply regret them. I have the drive and determination to do what I feel is right by me . I ; alone will be responsible for them .
Those who know me well; know my true character. Yes ; I may be “different” than the average person of my age ; but I am not average; as is no one else. We are all unique. I am not a 25th century droid that walk and talk alike. I have never lifted a hand in anger and hit out at anyone. Although I am not “religious” ; I am spiritual . I do not follow one particular religion ; rather I let my moral compass guide me. If my decisions,drive and determination don’t hurt anyone; what’s the deal ?
If it were not for drive and determination ,we would all be someones puppet on a string .
I am going for it ! You can say Good luck but don’t stand in my way please.
Life is for the living –I am going to live mine. Will you live yours by your drive and determination as well ?
Peace and Love
You cry a Tear
You cry a tear
I’ll wipe it dry
You need to chat
I’ll be here
We never met face to face
Yet in my heart there is a space
A space that holds all thoughts of you
And our friendship ,that is true
There are miles between you and me
Yet sometimes I feel so close
When I chat with you-I feel so free
A friend like you I need the most
I cry a tear
You’ll wipe it dry
Although miles separate us-you seem right here
Why should it be an issue that you’re a guy
Compassion is not based on gender
I’ll wipe it dry
You need to chat
I’ll be here
We never met face to face
Yet in my heart there is a space
A space that holds all thoughts of you
And our friendship ,that is true
There are miles between you and me
Yet sometimes I feel so close
When I chat with you-I feel so free
A friend like you I need the most
I cry a tear
You’ll wipe it dry
Although miles separate us-you seem right here
Why should it be an issue that you’re a guy
Compassion is not based on gender
Your idea-my idea
What makes people different is the fact they do not share the same ideas on issues or people . I am not you; yo uare not me. This note may get a bit deep and sensitive so if you don't want to continue; stop reading now.
Lately; when the discussion of a relationship and love come up ; I often hear people say "go for that person; they are hot looking " That is insulting to me and the other person. To me its an insult because you may assume I base people on looks which I do not. To others ; it may be an insult because they are viewed as "eye candy "
Some of the physically "good Looking : people I meet are the ugliest people on the inside ; and some of the "average looking " people I meet are beautiful people. I have also met some "average looking " people who are ugly on the inside and some "good looking" people who are beautiful inside.
Some of the people who think they know me ; think I am looking for a booty call. Sorry guys and gals ! i am not on the market for booty call. Where the hell is there any mutual respect in that. It may work for you but I wake up by myself in the morning and I have to live with the decisions I wisely or unwisely made. Although I have my eccentricities (I won't go into the terms that I have heard that are used to describe me ) Some of you must learn to "whisper" behind my back more quietly or not not say anything at all.
It's only important that I knew WHO I am as WHO I am is what makes me be me. It's not what you whisper or insinuate or imply . I am a gentle person that gives everyone their due respect. I expect the same. Some of you think I am a bit "over the top " or "flamboyant" I know some of you think I am gay . Hell there are some psychics among me who "know" I am gay . I'm sorry but I think I would remember that time .
Yes I have "issues" but so does everyone. Maybe its their way of not paying attention to their own so they can deflect their feelings about themselves onto me or others.
Love is Love is love.... Everyone wants to be loved for who they are . Love is not purely sexual people. If I love a guy or love a girl-it's still love. If I chose to love several ;it just means I love. It doesn't mean I have a harem. With that being siad I will cease my videos on here. If you actually think I am "that way" all the time you'd be so off base.
But then again if you chose to watch them -partly or entirely. You must have gotten something out of them . So why the need to judge. Just don't watch .
Lately; when the discussion of a relationship and love come up ; I often hear people say "go for that person; they are hot looking " That is insulting to me and the other person. To me its an insult because you may assume I base people on looks which I do not. To others ; it may be an insult because they are viewed as "eye candy "
Some of the physically "good Looking : people I meet are the ugliest people on the inside ; and some of the "average looking " people I meet are beautiful people. I have also met some "average looking " people who are ugly on the inside and some "good looking" people who are beautiful inside.
Some of the people who think they know me ; think I am looking for a booty call. Sorry guys and gals ! i am not on the market for booty call. Where the hell is there any mutual respect in that. It may work for you but I wake up by myself in the morning and I have to live with the decisions I wisely or unwisely made. Although I have my eccentricities (I won't go into the terms that I have heard that are used to describe me ) Some of you must learn to "whisper" behind my back more quietly or not not say anything at all.
It's only important that I knew WHO I am as WHO I am is what makes me be me. It's not what you whisper or insinuate or imply . I am a gentle person that gives everyone their due respect. I expect the same. Some of you think I am a bit "over the top " or "flamboyant" I know some of you think I am gay . Hell there are some psychics among me who "know" I am gay . I'm sorry but I think I would remember that time .
Yes I have "issues" but so does everyone. Maybe its their way of not paying attention to their own so they can deflect their feelings about themselves onto me or others.
Love is Love is love.... Everyone wants to be loved for who they are . Love is not purely sexual people. If I love a guy or love a girl-it's still love. If I chose to love several ;it just means I love. It doesn't mean I have a harem. With that being siad I will cease my videos on here. If you actually think I am "that way" all the time you'd be so off base.
But then again if you chose to watch them -partly or entirely. You must have gotten something out of them . So why the need to judge. Just don't watch .
If I Could - a poem
If I could hold you in my arms-until the pain went away
I’d stay with you an entire day
I’d wipe away your tears of sorrow
And then I’d be there for you again tomorrow
I’ve been in the place that your mind dwells
The time itself seems like a living hell
One day it will be a memory
But until it is-rely on me
When crying ; there’s no need to feel any shame
On the inside, we are all the same
When you think you cannot cope all alone
I’m as close as your telephone
If I could hold you in my arms –until you’re fast asleep
I know that’s a promise I would keep
I’d wipe away your tears of pain
And I’d do all this ,over and over again .
I’d stay with you an entire day
I’d wipe away your tears of sorrow
And then I’d be there for you again tomorrow
I’ve been in the place that your mind dwells
The time itself seems like a living hell
One day it will be a memory
But until it is-rely on me
When crying ; there’s no need to feel any shame
On the inside, we are all the same
When you think you cannot cope all alone
I’m as close as your telephone
If I could hold you in my arms –until you’re fast asleep
I know that’s a promise I would keep
I’d wipe away your tears of pain
And I’d do all this ,over and over again .
Deep Thoughts
If we think there is darkness around us;it may well consume us and we may give in to it . However; there are shadows and where there are shadows , there is light !! When there is even a sliver of light shining through even the darkest curtains of our being ; there is hope; hope that the sun will break through even the darkest clouds and shine its warming light on us. Once we are down. The only way is up. It may take awhile for some; longer for others but , the only way is up. I am not one to talk about my own problems or issues as I find this a burden to the people in my life. I take consolation in knowing that people at times really appreciate me and what I may have to say . I will never offer up suggestions until asked for them. This is who I am . I have always put others before myself . My own friends problems are mine too ; which is okay by me as trying to help out is a big part of friendship.
I have had my share of fair-weather friends; those being who choose to be around me when things are upbeat and I am having the off the wall humour they are used to ;but then turn tail when I am having an off day when I am deep in thought and full of despair. Friendship is not a halfway thing. You are or you aren’t.
Some people can see right through me which is okay . They know I use humour to keep a distance from them and what is in my heart. There are a few people that know what my heart is about and most of them are online “friends” which are miles away. I’d sooner be known for who I am and what I stand for then the “what” they may think I am . It matters not what I am but who I am . If I were black would you still be there ? If my sexuality differed from yours, would you still be there ? If I said I did or didn’t believe in God; would you still be there ?
It matters not who I was or where I came from or what I did in the past . It only matters who I am today.
I have had my share of fair-weather friends; those being who choose to be around me when things are upbeat and I am having the off the wall humour they are used to ;but then turn tail when I am having an off day when I am deep in thought and full of despair. Friendship is not a halfway thing. You are or you aren’t.
Some people can see right through me which is okay . They know I use humour to keep a distance from them and what is in my heart. There are a few people that know what my heart is about and most of them are online “friends” which are miles away. I’d sooner be known for who I am and what I stand for then the “what” they may think I am . It matters not what I am but who I am . If I were black would you still be there ? If my sexuality differed from yours, would you still be there ? If I said I did or didn’t believe in God; would you still be there ?
It matters not who I was or where I came from or what I did in the past . It only matters who I am today.
Love and all its levels
Someone asked me today ; "Joe ; of everyone in your life ;who do you love the most ?" To me ; you love someone 100% -there is no middle of the road. There is dislike-like and love. I don't think there is one person who is or was in my life that I went from loving to hating them. How could I hate someone ;when at one time I loved them. Sure there are things that upset me or even hurt me but I still love them. There are people on here and on my myspace pages and even in real life that I love but I have never uttered those words too them. Some will even say " I know you love me Joe -you don't even have to say the words if you can't ; but I know you love me " Whoa ! Am i that transparent that some can see right through me ? Scary thought . There are some people who are no longer in my daily lives ; but I still hold deep feelings for them . I have never understood people who say they can stop loving someone on a drop of a dime. As much as I like to think I am in control of my emotions; I'm not. I don't think any of us are. Much like as we have no control over who we fall in love with or remain in love with. Things change -people change and some want change. As much as I think everyone wants to be loved;we also need to be loved . I have never bought into the giving into lust ;even if i have had a few too many fizzy drinks. To me its not fair to either person. I would sooner lie in a bed with someone I loved and wake in the morning with thjat person still next to me ; rather than going for a quickie and moving on. Not my style. There are people I fall in love with over and over again day after day . I have no control on it. As much as the three words can make a relationship that much better (I LOVE YOU ) they can ;at times be threatening to the other person . To be honest - I am afraid of love , but its a risk worth taking
My Weekend Away
Friday night we took off for parts unknow; at least to me. We got there after dark so set up up tents by the light of the starlit sky. Awesome campfires and storytelling; not really stories but talking to each other about things that maybe we didn't know. It was the most fascinating bonding I have ever experienced . I f you think i am "strange" you definitely don't want to meet my friends. We did the typical weenie roasting and made smores . What made in great for me is that no one I went there with had any negative comments to say about each other. Two of the people I went with I had only met on two previous occasions.
Sunday night we drove down to a huge field;parked and lay in the back of the vehicle just staring up at the sky. It was so silent ;yet so much was said. From that silence ;I think we all learned how ;even though we didnt have to say a word we knew so much from each other. We counted five shooting stars within 15 minutes and of course we all made wishes on the ones we eyed first. We said what constellations we could see in the sky. One I was with swore he could see a figure of a man pulling a huge BBQ -and we werent even drinking.
I lost my thoughts looking in the night sky ; teared up and wondered what it would be liek up there looking down here. My firends knew i was tearing up but didnt question me on it. "It is amazing isnt Joe " or "This gets to you ; doesnt it Joe" was all that was said.
Today after 5 we packed up our gear ; all of us wishing we could stay but knowing we had to get back. We already have plans to go back very soon.
Starlit skies are not the same in the city. But that one night of just still serenity will always be with me .
Sunday night we drove down to a huge field;parked and lay in the back of the vehicle just staring up at the sky. It was so silent ;yet so much was said. From that silence ;I think we all learned how ;even though we didnt have to say a word we knew so much from each other. We counted five shooting stars within 15 minutes and of course we all made wishes on the ones we eyed first. We said what constellations we could see in the sky. One I was with swore he could see a figure of a man pulling a huge BBQ -and we werent even drinking.
I lost my thoughts looking in the night sky ; teared up and wondered what it would be liek up there looking down here. My firends knew i was tearing up but didnt question me on it. "It is amazing isnt Joe " or "This gets to you ; doesnt it Joe" was all that was said.
Today after 5 we packed up our gear ; all of us wishing we could stay but knowing we had to get back. We already have plans to go back very soon.
Starlit skies are not the same in the city. But that one night of just still serenity will always be with me .
Whats Private and What is Personal
Sometimes when I write these notes and post them onto my page; I will go back and read them over . Sometimes when I read them ; I know people will read into them what they want regardless of what I was writing. I know I can be a hard person to understand with my randon videos and status updates but its all a part of who I am. For those of you who don't really know me but only know of my "character" on here I will share a bit with you. I am in love with the thought of Love; finding love,falling in love and hopefully staying in love and having all those reciprocated. I fall in love with good people-with good hearts regardless of whats in their pants . I like slow dancing-star filled nights-hot air balloons drifting by-sunsets-sunrises-wishing on shooting stars. I have slow danced with a guy just because he knew how much I loved to slow dance. I have danced under a star filled ;cool spring sky. I have gone to a barren field ; lay on the ground and stared off into space wondering-hoping I could change places with a star just for one night. I have wished on shooting stars ; hoping upon hope that one comes true. I don't have a huge circle of friends ; nor do I really want to. I find it hard to give 100% to my friends if I have an abundance of them ;so I hold my closest friends near to my heart. The notes I post on here are mostly for them and my family who really know who I am . To them I am a who ; not a what . They know ; and without question accept me. I know who I am; but if someone asked me "Joe What are you ?" I wouldn't know the answer. I am just a person who loves good people with good hearts; regardless of their parts. Over the past two years I have literally felt like the bottom had dropped out. My marriage ended ; my best friend at the time took off under cover of darkness without a goodbye or reason behind it. My coping mechanisms were shot . Ashamed yet unashamedly at the same time I admit to doing some bad shit to my body. I cut myself ;always the left arm. Looking back I think I cut that arm because it led to my heart. As morbid as it sounds; I have a picture of my arm that I will look at when and if the urge comes back. My arm feels like leather now . I see it everyday . If I have my dreams of falling in love ; dancing under the stars or just laying in a field looking at the stars while clasping hands with a great friend who loves and appreciates the who I am without caring what people think of him-i have hope. No one can take that away from me but me.
Sometimes when I am Tired
I usually dread the evenings ; not because I am afraid of the dark ;of which I am not. I dread the silence that comes with it . I know I am constantly thinking and the darkness seems to amplify it. I even sleep with my mp3 player on all night until the batteries are drained. When I am tired I sometimes have more on my mind or more that I may write down ;either here or on another site where I am completely annonymous. Sometimes its good to be anonymous because with anonymosity and no face to be seen, there are no judgement calls. I know sometimes my writing can tend to be butterflies and flowery but thats who I am . I had stopped writing for a bit on here because I had someone say I was trying to be a martyr. That was and is so far off. I only write from my perspective on how I wish life could be ; not only for me but how it could be for others. We already know where hate has gotten us and intolerance.
I have dreams and they are not lofty ones. They don't even involve material things. I had a few come true lately; which I wrote in the previous note on here . I lived my dream;small in comparison to maybe yours;yet still a dream . I spent a cold frosty night laying on the grass staring at the stars above ; tears in my eyes and an amazing feeling in my heart. I slow danced under the moon with only the music in our minds. I write from my perspective just like i try to live my life; from my own perspective. I know some people often wonder "what" is Joe all about. Is he the dancing ball of energy or is he that sensitive guy . Maybe I am somewhere in between or maybe I am more than one than the other. We don't ever know everything about a person; either by not really caring or choosing which parts we like. Maybe -just maybe the person doesn't want their true self to be known for fear of being hurt.
I have dreams and they are not lofty ones. They don't even involve material things. I had a few come true lately; which I wrote in the previous note on here . I lived my dream;small in comparison to maybe yours;yet still a dream . I spent a cold frosty night laying on the grass staring at the stars above ; tears in my eyes and an amazing feeling in my heart. I slow danced under the moon with only the music in our minds. I write from my perspective just like i try to live my life; from my own perspective. I know some people often wonder "what" is Joe all about. Is he the dancing ball of energy or is he that sensitive guy . Maybe I am somewhere in between or maybe I am more than one than the other. We don't ever know everything about a person; either by not really caring or choosing which parts we like. Maybe -just maybe the person doesn't want their true self to be known for fear of being hurt.
Yearning
I am sitting in my room –tears on my face
Where you should be in my heart-lies an empty space
I hear the sounds of “unbreak my heart “ from the stereo
My heart tells me that I love you so
I wish you were beside me-just to hold me near
“I love you “ –the three words I long to hear
I want to hold you while we fall asleep
Your love; I want to keep
My life seemed empty until I met you
For you ; there’s nothing , that I wouldn’t do
I am sitting in my room –tears run down my face
In my heart is your very special place
My heart yearns for your caring touch
Your gentle words that mean so much
Your sweet smile and your caring ways
Keep me happy through the day s
Joee 2009@
Where you should be in my heart-lies an empty space
I hear the sounds of “unbreak my heart “ from the stereo
My heart tells me that I love you so
I wish you were beside me-just to hold me near
“I love you “ –the three words I long to hear
I want to hold you while we fall asleep
Your love; I want to keep
My life seemed empty until I met you
For you ; there’s nothing , that I wouldn’t do
I am sitting in my room –tears run down my face
In my heart is your very special place
My heart yearns for your caring touch
Your gentle words that mean so much
Your sweet smile and your caring ways
Keep me happy through the day s
Joee 2009@
No Apologies for my Eulogy
A week or so ago ;quite by accident I came across this website that had eulogies that people had written for themselves or by others. Quite a few of them along with the "he was a good man ...yada yada yada" seemed more like a resume ;spewing off university degrees and the like. As good as it is to have degrees;it doesnt make aperson better or less than any other. I left the site and starting on my own. here it is -simple-to the point- . I'd read it myself at the funeral but circumstances will prevent it . Need I say why . however: i do have someone who will read it for me . No heckling of the eulogizer. I may come back and haunt ya !
"Hey ! If you are here today you must have at least tolerated me . I have lived and loved and laughed; sometimes when I didn’t feel like laughing but I did it because some of you expected me to. I did my fair share of dancing and had no shame of showing it on websites. I wore my heart on my sleeve ;putting everything out there ; which at times got me hurt . I have loved so deeply that I always put others before myself. Today and all tomorrows I want you to smile or at least try . I had my share of smiles and laughter and God knows you had your share of laughter at my expense. Mom may question this eulogy but will likely think “that’s joe “ and go along with it. She never questioned any of the choices I made .Thats my Mom. Love you mommy ! I never looked at celebrities as heros just because of the star status but I do have mine. My 2 sisters and 3 brothers are all heroes to me. In me I have a part of each . My son is my light and my love. He is the suns rays shining through my clouds. Even when he wasn’t with me –he was there in my heart and thoughts and will always be. My ex wife but forever friend brought me out of my quiet shell –some will probably say “does he ever shut up !” . I still love her as the awesome person she is. There is a new person who came into my life at the right time; I won't delve into the details. He knows how important he is . He is responsible for 2 of my dreams coming true.
Some of you here today I probably don’t know-just here for the free sandwiches huh ? I do believe in angels too. In this room there are so many –they live in each and everyone of you . You just have to let them out and do good. That’s what the world needs. I am not sure where I am going but my spirit will be here with you. Live- love -laugh and don’t forget to dance . I loved you yesterday –today tomorrow and always . You just didn’t realize it ! "
"Hey ! If you are here today you must have at least tolerated me . I have lived and loved and laughed; sometimes when I didn’t feel like laughing but I did it because some of you expected me to. I did my fair share of dancing and had no shame of showing it on websites. I wore my heart on my sleeve ;putting everything out there ; which at times got me hurt . I have loved so deeply that I always put others before myself. Today and all tomorrows I want you to smile or at least try . I had my share of smiles and laughter and God knows you had your share of laughter at my expense. Mom may question this eulogy but will likely think “that’s joe “ and go along with it. She never questioned any of the choices I made .Thats my Mom. Love you mommy ! I never looked at celebrities as heros just because of the star status but I do have mine. My 2 sisters and 3 brothers are all heroes to me. In me I have a part of each . My son is my light and my love. He is the suns rays shining through my clouds. Even when he wasn’t with me –he was there in my heart and thoughts and will always be. My ex wife but forever friend brought me out of my quiet shell –some will probably say “does he ever shut up !” . I still love her as the awesome person she is. There is a new person who came into my life at the right time; I won't delve into the details. He knows how important he is . He is responsible for 2 of my dreams coming true.
Some of you here today I probably don’t know-just here for the free sandwiches huh ? I do believe in angels too. In this room there are so many –they live in each and everyone of you . You just have to let them out and do good. That’s what the world needs. I am not sure where I am going but my spirit will be here with you. Live- love -laugh and don’t forget to dance . I loved you yesterday –today tomorrow and always . You just didn’t realize it ! "
Faith- Spirituality-Religion ???
I have never been a religious person; although that doesn ot mean I have no faith. I have faith in knowing. Knowing that somewhere; in this universe or of one beyond that there is a divine being watching over us all. My intent is not to upset anyone. I think sometimes that people are too caught up in their religions to have faith in anything other than the confines of their religion. I have faith in hoping that the sun will shine down on me giving me back my sun filled days that help me through the clouded judgement I sometimes feel. Without having hope; we cannot have faith. Faith is like an infallible hope. Some people consider faith as nothing more than wishful thinking. If we can't wish or dream of what we want or need; what do we really have ? Writing my thoughts on this paper is one way of a wish. In hopes of figuring out my prpose. I know I have hopes ; but are my hopes the same as my purpose ? My hope or purpose is this. I know I cannot shape the world into a better place but I hope I can make a positive effect on a few peoples lives. This is not an ego thing and you would know that if you truly knew me. I am a very humble man who is not at all comfortable in receiving compliments. I would rather hear a simple "thank You" than receive accolades of compliments. Everything we do today has a ripple effect ; it will influence a change in someone or something around us. I want to leave a positive impression on someone or something. I know I , like everyone else has; at least one time or another left a negative impression on someone. More often than not; unintentional. Not one person is perfect . I have taken steps into helping me find my purpose. So many people tell me ; " You have to look after yourself first !" I may be wishful thinking and perhaps unrealistic but my reasoning is this; if I can be there for someone-then they will be there for me. Sometimes I feel like the late 1970s singer Eric Carmen singing "All by myself ". He sings about being there for his friends when they are down but when they are feeling fine; no one calls him on the phone to see how he is doing. Friendship should not take commercial breaks. I believe that if a persone has ONE TRUE FRIEND ; that should be enough. This journal as I write it is going in every direction. I am letting my thoughts write the words down as they come into my head. I am humble but I am also a very complex person; so complex that I don't truly understand myself or thoughts. Undoubtedly as I go back and read what I wrote; some may even surprise me. I don't share personal thoughts with anyone. As such ; there are so many theories going around "What is He all about ?" Let me know when you figure that out !
Parcels of my Journal
Here is more from a journal i had kept up until about a year ago .
....I live my life mainly through what I learned in Kindergarten. People can cheat-people can steal . I also learned tolerance,fairness, honesty and compassion. Life is a blend of fair and unfair-there doesn't seem to be any middle ground. I try to live my life by following some simple yet ;some may find to be sappy ways of living my life 1) watering the seeds of your greatness 2) never give up when hearing "no" 3) turning little steps into giant leaps 4) ponder the positives 5) follow through with the "do" 6) pay back what you borrow 7)be kind-despite the grind 8) throw a log onto someone elses fire ....7:18 am the following day .Dates don't need to be noted here ;as anything I write could have possibly happened on any given date. I dreamt last night. I can't remeber the content of it but I have glimpses of the nights visions. Sometimes I thinkwe forget or block it out so; as not to affect the following day in a negative way. I made myself a coffee, slid open the kitchen windowand put my head out; like I do every morning on awaking. The air is chilly; almost stinging my face. I can see the orange-pink hues in the skyline above the two spires of the Presbytarian churches and I wonder what is in store for me today . That's the thing about destiny-we cannot change it . We can steer our way through life and try to avoid the potholes and not giving into temptations but sometimes it doesn't always go that way . It's like taking a trip down to Toronto. You figure the 401 is too busy and less scenic so you decide to take the backroads with less traffic and enjoy the colours of the change of seasons. The thing is; a lot more people have done the same thing. That's life. You think you are going somewhere but you find obstacles in your way. Toronto; much like your purpose is still waiting-it just may take longer than you have planned for but eventually you will get there. People plan things, sometimes without thinking about the "what ifs" that may get in the way of the plan. Most of my life i thought I had a blueprint or plan but I never even thought of the "what ifs" that would hinder getting to where I thought I wanted to be. Hindrances can sometimes be helpful. In some of the "what ifs" I've found out things and met people I may have not met otherwise. Faith will get you where you are going -maybe not today but it will get you there. People operate on timetables; faith doesn't.........Even though I seem ;at times to write everything down here ; I don't. Some think I am so outgoing and must be surrounded by people . In reality I have a very small circle of friends-most actually acquaintences. I am a very guarded person. Some mistake this for arrogance or being full of myself. Why I am the way I am would take an entire journal to explain so I won't. Sometimes I let my guard down and I get hurt by my "friends" so I often keep my guard up like the Great Wall of China. ....
....I live my life mainly through what I learned in Kindergarten. People can cheat-people can steal . I also learned tolerance,fairness, honesty and compassion. Life is a blend of fair and unfair-there doesn't seem to be any middle ground. I try to live my life by following some simple yet ;some may find to be sappy ways of living my life 1) watering the seeds of your greatness 2) never give up when hearing "no" 3) turning little steps into giant leaps 4) ponder the positives 5) follow through with the "do" 6) pay back what you borrow 7)be kind-despite the grind 8) throw a log onto someone elses fire ....7:18 am the following day .Dates don't need to be noted here ;as anything I write could have possibly happened on any given date. I dreamt last night. I can't remeber the content of it but I have glimpses of the nights visions. Sometimes I thinkwe forget or block it out so; as not to affect the following day in a negative way. I made myself a coffee, slid open the kitchen windowand put my head out; like I do every morning on awaking. The air is chilly; almost stinging my face. I can see the orange-pink hues in the skyline above the two spires of the Presbytarian churches and I wonder what is in store for me today . That's the thing about destiny-we cannot change it . We can steer our way through life and try to avoid the potholes and not giving into temptations but sometimes it doesn't always go that way . It's like taking a trip down to Toronto. You figure the 401 is too busy and less scenic so you decide to take the backroads with less traffic and enjoy the colours of the change of seasons. The thing is; a lot more people have done the same thing. That's life. You think you are going somewhere but you find obstacles in your way. Toronto; much like your purpose is still waiting-it just may take longer than you have planned for but eventually you will get there. People plan things, sometimes without thinking about the "what ifs" that may get in the way of the plan. Most of my life i thought I had a blueprint or plan but I never even thought of the "what ifs" that would hinder getting to where I thought I wanted to be. Hindrances can sometimes be helpful. In some of the "what ifs" I've found out things and met people I may have not met otherwise. Faith will get you where you are going -maybe not today but it will get you there. People operate on timetables; faith doesn't.........Even though I seem ;at times to write everything down here ; I don't. Some think I am so outgoing and must be surrounded by people . In reality I have a very small circle of friends-most actually acquaintences. I am a very guarded person. Some mistake this for arrogance or being full of myself. Why I am the way I am would take an entire journal to explain so I won't. Sometimes I let my guard down and I get hurt by my "friends" so I often keep my guard up like the Great Wall of China. ....
Tolerance versus Acceptance
This was originally posted as two seperate notes. I have amended and compiled it into one note .
I do not watch television news on a regular basis ; rather I check out news sites online because that is where I usually am ; either blogging on a site or talking with people I know. This morning when I was talking to an online friend who had told me something and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. Somewhere in the midwest states a young man ended his own life ; not because people didn't tolerate him ;rather because he was not accepted for who he was and was meant to be. He was never big into sports ;never picked up a football or hockey stick in his life ;never got oil on his hands from working on a car and that is where the judgement calls started. He "came out " a few years ago ; first to his parents; who , of all people should be the most accepting and loving people in his life. Rather than this-when his parents went to social gatherings, he was not invited ;as not to embarass his parents. He then let a few of his closest friends know. Some of his closest friends were not that close at all. They turned tail and ran; joining others in their taunts. He did have a few close friends he could confide in but he wanted the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF HIS PARENTS THE MOST. Last spring he was accepted into a university that has very high requirements to be admitted. He was to start next semester. Friday May 29th he ended his life because his own parents and others judged him not to be a "real man " . This man ;great man did more than many others in his 19 years of life without looking for recognition for doing so. He just wanted to be recognized as a man who loved with his heart-100%. After talking to my online friend about this-much moreso in depth than I will talk about here; he apologized for not calling me to wish me a Happy Birthday saying " I am sorry but my brothers funeral was yesterday" That young man was my friends brother who I also had the real honour and privelege of talking to . We ; although different in age ;shared so much. . He shared his stories with me and I with him; although different stories. He would email me every morning just to say “Good Morning distant friend-thank you and I love you “ It will be difficult to go into my email and not see a greeting like that from him. It will be more difficult for his brother who was his real ally . It is a real loss that others won’t know of him and his big heart. To other parents out there and everyone else. Judge people on the Who they are rather than the What they are. Love is love . Accept it without question..I know my friend can still hear this “ Good morning “C” Thanks for being you- I love you without question” The following link is from a local site and written for parents but I hope you read it and if you know someone who is questioning themselves or gay or bi or whatever label is attached Please check it out. A "real" man or "real" woman doesn't have all the answers . No one does but we have to accept that in everyone. Accept without conditions.
After posting this I received some very sweet comments both on here and on other sites where I post some of my writing. Some of it will never come to see the light of day . After reading through what I wrote I realized that I had forgotten to put some points in and others asked me who the person was. It serves no point in giving a name as on any given day of any month of any year; there are others who take their lives at their own hands. They don’t make the news because other more horrific stories always seem to grab front page headlines . Rather teenage suicides are treated no less than a statistic; “troubled youth”. I was surprised that I did not get any responses from the “religious right” about my friends lifestyle being a sin or abomination. . I get so sick of hearing about the sins of homosexuality but nothing about adultery or watching our nations starve our next generations so we can have the newest and biggest whatever. To be honest I have never read the entire bible but in all fairness; it is not right to pick and choose from it what we choose to believe or not. My friend went to church every Sunday; believing and knowing that his Maker was of goodness,lov and acceptance; while others in his church leered or moved seats just to be away from him. His own parents sat at the back of the church while he sat closer to the front. His parents said it was “cooler at the rear of the church” but my friend hearing negative and hurtful comments day after day ; night after night knew different. “No son of mine is a fag !”
I only know this now ; because this morning I got a letter in the mail from him. Much more was written but ; point taken was this “If my own parents don’t care about me-who does ? “ I did and I still do . The local paper where he lived said “died suddenly at home “ It was not a sudden death. Years of being made to feel like an outcast and made to feel ashamed of who he was took its toll. Love is Love ! June 6th is TRI-PRIDE DAY at Victoria Park in Kitchener from 12 to 7 pm. My friend; although no longer here; but still “here” was not from this area but in hopes of supporting him and others , I ask you to attend, I will be there for my friend .
http://www.ok2bme.ca/parents
I do not watch television news on a regular basis ; rather I check out news sites online because that is where I usually am ; either blogging on a site or talking with people I know. This morning when I was talking to an online friend who had told me something and my heart sank to the pit of my stomach. Somewhere in the midwest states a young man ended his own life ; not because people didn't tolerate him ;rather because he was not accepted for who he was and was meant to be. He was never big into sports ;never picked up a football or hockey stick in his life ;never got oil on his hands from working on a car and that is where the judgement calls started. He "came out " a few years ago ; first to his parents; who , of all people should be the most accepting and loving people in his life. Rather than this-when his parents went to social gatherings, he was not invited ;as not to embarass his parents. He then let a few of his closest friends know. Some of his closest friends were not that close at all. They turned tail and ran; joining others in their taunts. He did have a few close friends he could confide in but he wanted the UNCONDITIONAL LOVE OF HIS PARENTS THE MOST. Last spring he was accepted into a university that has very high requirements to be admitted. He was to start next semester. Friday May 29th he ended his life because his own parents and others judged him not to be a "real man " . This man ;great man did more than many others in his 19 years of life without looking for recognition for doing so. He just wanted to be recognized as a man who loved with his heart-100%. After talking to my online friend about this-much moreso in depth than I will talk about here; he apologized for not calling me to wish me a Happy Birthday saying " I am sorry but my brothers funeral was yesterday" That young man was my friends brother who I also had the real honour and privelege of talking to . We ; although different in age ;shared so much. . He shared his stories with me and I with him; although different stories. He would email me every morning just to say “Good Morning distant friend-thank you and I love you “ It will be difficult to go into my email and not see a greeting like that from him. It will be more difficult for his brother who was his real ally . It is a real loss that others won’t know of him and his big heart. To other parents out there and everyone else. Judge people on the Who they are rather than the What they are. Love is love . Accept it without question..I know my friend can still hear this “ Good morning “C” Thanks for being you- I love you without question” The following link is from a local site and written for parents but I hope you read it and if you know someone who is questioning themselves or gay or bi or whatever label is attached Please check it out. A "real" man or "real" woman doesn't have all the answers . No one does but we have to accept that in everyone. Accept without conditions.
After posting this I received some very sweet comments both on here and on other sites where I post some of my writing. Some of it will never come to see the light of day . After reading through what I wrote I realized that I had forgotten to put some points in and others asked me who the person was. It serves no point in giving a name as on any given day of any month of any year; there are others who take their lives at their own hands. They don’t make the news because other more horrific stories always seem to grab front page headlines . Rather teenage suicides are treated no less than a statistic; “troubled youth”. I was surprised that I did not get any responses from the “religious right” about my friends lifestyle being a sin or abomination. . I get so sick of hearing about the sins of homosexuality but nothing about adultery or watching our nations starve our next generations so we can have the newest and biggest whatever. To be honest I have never read the entire bible but in all fairness; it is not right to pick and choose from it what we choose to believe or not. My friend went to church every Sunday; believing and knowing that his Maker was of goodness,lov and acceptance; while others in his church leered or moved seats just to be away from him. His own parents sat at the back of the church while he sat closer to the front. His parents said it was “cooler at the rear of the church” but my friend hearing negative and hurtful comments day after day ; night after night knew different. “No son of mine is a fag !”
I only know this now ; because this morning I got a letter in the mail from him. Much more was written but ; point taken was this “If my own parents don’t care about me-who does ? “ I did and I still do . The local paper where he lived said “died suddenly at home “ It was not a sudden death. Years of being made to feel like an outcast and made to feel ashamed of who he was took its toll. Love is Love ! June 6th is TRI-PRIDE DAY at Victoria Park in Kitchener from 12 to 7 pm. My friend; although no longer here; but still “here” was not from this area but in hopes of supporting him and others , I ask you to attend, I will be there for my friend .
http://www.ok2bme.ca/parents
My Lavender fields
As we lay in a field growing thick of lavender and daisies staring at the star filled sky -a shooting star zips by
Hands holding each others tight- like there is no tomorrow - I make my wish ; hoping on all hope
Stars fill the sky - night owls hoot
The slight breezes bend the blades of grass-tickling our faces as we stare off endlessly into space
Our lips don’t move -we don’t have to speak
I am so happy in the moment -a moment that I wish had more than 60 seconds ; an endless moment captured in time
You turn to me and look into my eyes . My eyes do all the talking . They are so full of happiness and love for you
I do the same and see your eyes smiling back at me ; squeezing each others hand signalling “everything’s going to be alright “
We lay for hours just staring off into space -endless stars -endless dreams but my dream is real
We lay in a field growing thick of lavender growing tired but fighting against sleeping but we do
We wake up still holding hands . I don’t want to leave this spot - this place in time . I wished upon that shooting star .
I wonder what you wished when you seen yours shoot by .
Hands holding each others tight- like there is no tomorrow - I make my wish ; hoping on all hope
Stars fill the sky - night owls hoot
The slight breezes bend the blades of grass-tickling our faces as we stare off endlessly into space
Our lips don’t move -we don’t have to speak
I am so happy in the moment -a moment that I wish had more than 60 seconds ; an endless moment captured in time
You turn to me and look into my eyes . My eyes do all the talking . They are so full of happiness and love for you
I do the same and see your eyes smiling back at me ; squeezing each others hand signalling “everything’s going to be alright “
We lay for hours just staring off into space -endless stars -endless dreams but my dream is real
We lay in a field growing thick of lavender growing tired but fighting against sleeping but we do
We wake up still holding hands . I don’t want to leave this spot - this place in time . I wished upon that shooting star .
I wonder what you wished when you seen yours shoot by .
Ode to Caffeine
I was about to embark to do my timmys run
But the clouds rolled in-my plan was done
my extra large double double would not come to fruition
Oh my god and alas ! I hate this condition
my hearts a pounding and palpitating
the rain keeps falling- i go on waiting
I can see my coffee waiting behind timmys door
It teases and torments right to my core
i dont care about the damned roll up the rim
I need my coffee cup filled right to the brim
I dont care about the crullers or the timbits
I am sitting here have caffeine withdrawal fits !
But the clouds rolled in-my plan was done
my extra large double double would not come to fruition
Oh my god and alas ! I hate this condition
my hearts a pounding and palpitating
the rain keeps falling- i go on waiting
I can see my coffee waiting behind timmys door
It teases and torments right to my core
i dont care about the damned roll up the rim
I need my coffee cup filled right to the brim
I dont care about the crullers or the timbits
I am sitting here have caffeine withdrawal fits !
Thanks.. again
As you know there has been alot going on; most I share on here but there is some things I will not talk about on here. I wanted to thank you for the instant messages on here or on MSN and for answering some questions I asked of some of you . What I will say is that I KNOW I cannot please everyone all of the time. I KNOW some people can never be pleased no matter what . I don't have to impress anyone to suit them. I have a son and he loves me as I am -yes; he wants me to be happy but he knows I can only do what I can for ME. Sometimes when I write notes on here or other places it sounds good but to be honest I don't really live by my own words. I am working on that with help. I wanted to share parts of some of the messages I recieved without naming who. It is ones like these that inspire be to get from where I am to a better place.
"....and love doesn't create expectations from the other person; it's a gift that we get to experience ourself and give however we are called to give it. that idea has helped me a lot in the past. love just loves."
"...you ARE LOVED........very much by all the people who have your best interests at heart. You will get through this......I have no doubt about that..........hold on sweetheart cos the good times are coming back........"
Someone asked me to set a goal that I want to see so I did. Yesterday , I along with a friend went window shopping for furniture because I want to get out of where I am living into a two bedroom apartment . I am not a basic beige kinda guy. We saw some sweet bright red and blue and green furniture. Thats my personality . I know Martha Stewart would likely scowl . We wandered for 4 hours just looking at furniture but it was sweet just knowing something that I wanted for ME . I have a place picked out where I would like to live; I know by the time I get where I am going it will likely be rented but I know what I am looking for. I don't know in my heart of hearts if I really knew what I wanted for me before.
"....and love doesn't create expectations from the other person; it's a gift that we get to experience ourself and give however we are called to give it. that idea has helped me a lot in the past. love just loves."
"...you ARE LOVED........very much by all the people who have your best interests at heart. You will get through this......I have no doubt about that..........hold on sweetheart cos the good times are coming back........"
Someone asked me to set a goal that I want to see so I did. Yesterday , I along with a friend went window shopping for furniture because I want to get out of where I am living into a two bedroom apartment . I am not a basic beige kinda guy. We saw some sweet bright red and blue and green furniture. Thats my personality . I know Martha Stewart would likely scowl . We wandered for 4 hours just looking at furniture but it was sweet just knowing something that I wanted for ME . I have a place picked out where I would like to live; I know by the time I get where I am going it will likely be rented but I know what I am looking for. I don't know in my heart of hearts if I really knew what I wanted for me before.
In therapy
"the things you want to change-change them"
"people; you cannot change. Choose to be around only of those who are a positive influence"
Fairweather is a clothing chain-NOT a friend
I was asked to write down brief statements less than 10 words over the past 3 weeks or so . They varied ; much like myself:
Burning ember is my soul-
Stars in the night sky; shine so bright-
The one for me; that can never be-
The next one was questioned by my therapist . I wrote , Tears of dread fill my head-never to be free-There is no us-will never be-Only you and merely me and then another that read " I sleep with angels in the night-I awake with my demons not far from my sight "
. The therapist asked me why I didn't stick to the ten word limit. I told him that its not fair to set limits on me expressing how I felt at the time. Then asked if I often did writing . Of course I said Yeah and thats my release . He asked if I wanted to write more and accepted a note pad and paper and started writing. Within five minutes I had written the following :
" I don't want to exist-I want to be- free from my sorrows-clouds gone-sun forever shining on my soul-I can no longer help others- I can't even help me-They kicked me to the curb and stole my dignity-I stand naked yet clothed-Whats become of me ? " Then I continued to write " This is my sunset-I shone so bright-my energy is gone- I feel like i am fading-ready to burn out- I love and have been loved -I won a few and lost so many-I've even loved a few and never let them know it-I missed my chance and never got to show it " and finally wrote this Seeds of doubt cloud my mind-dark thoughts strung up like silken cobwebs-lurk in waiting- snatch any glimmering sliver of colour from my rainbow of being .
Session was over . The therapist found my words to be deep and profound. "Just like me " I said " Thats why people sometimes dont understand me or really know me " He asked me if I ever shared my writing with people and I said that sometimes I do . He said my writing is not only profound but has a message and he was glad I am sharing it. "yeah well before the sun shines _______ in the morning we have to get past the dark and sometimes gloomy evening right " I know I will get back into the suns rays -I just have to weather the storm the best I can until I can get there . Thank You and I love you . This is my best therapy -letting it out
"people; you cannot change. Choose to be around only of those who are a positive influence"
Fairweather is a clothing chain-NOT a friend
I was asked to write down brief statements less than 10 words over the past 3 weeks or so . They varied ; much like myself:
Burning ember is my soul-
Stars in the night sky; shine so bright-
The one for me; that can never be-
The next one was questioned by my therapist . I wrote , Tears of dread fill my head-never to be free-There is no us-will never be-Only you and merely me and then another that read " I sleep with angels in the night-I awake with my demons not far from my sight "
. The therapist asked me why I didn't stick to the ten word limit. I told him that its not fair to set limits on me expressing how I felt at the time. Then asked if I often did writing . Of course I said Yeah and thats my release . He asked if I wanted to write more and accepted a note pad and paper and started writing. Within five minutes I had written the following :
" I don't want to exist-I want to be- free from my sorrows-clouds gone-sun forever shining on my soul-I can no longer help others- I can't even help me-They kicked me to the curb and stole my dignity-I stand naked yet clothed-Whats become of me ? " Then I continued to write " This is my sunset-I shone so bright-my energy is gone- I feel like i am fading-ready to burn out- I love and have been loved -I won a few and lost so many-I've even loved a few and never let them know it-I missed my chance and never got to show it " and finally wrote this Seeds of doubt cloud my mind-dark thoughts strung up like silken cobwebs-lurk in waiting- snatch any glimmering sliver of colour from my rainbow of being .
Session was over . The therapist found my words to be deep and profound. "Just like me " I said " Thats why people sometimes dont understand me or really know me " He asked me if I ever shared my writing with people and I said that sometimes I do . He said my writing is not only profound but has a message and he was glad I am sharing it. "yeah well before the sun shines _______ in the morning we have to get past the dark and sometimes gloomy evening right " I know I will get back into the suns rays -I just have to weather the storm the best I can until I can get there . Thank You and I love you . This is my best therapy -letting it out
without a title
I just spent the weekend in Listowel at my sister and brother in laws place . Although it was nice to get away from the city ; I didn't get away from me . Can we ever possibly do that ? I had fun with them and their three rambunctious dogs . I slept in a camper trailer with one of the bassetts who was great company. She stayed with me the entire two nights ; rubbing her nose into my chest . Even when i had my nightly crying fits ;she was steadfast . Maybe dogs are more loyal than people.
I ws writing by candleight and the dog was getting impatient ;whimpering but he stayed at my side .
"Last night I dreamt again about my lavender. As i was falling asleep on the bunk of the trailer at my sisters. I was sleeping with Gracie; one of their Basett hounds . All weekend long seh wasnt far from my side-she seemed to love me unconditionally. I drifted in and out of sleep-like always-I was in a field of lavender and far on the horizon was someone standing ;beckoning me with both hands . I walked onward but looking back it seemed like I had not made any distance. The further I walked ; the scent of the lavender grew stronger. I don`t know if it was from me ttrampling down the plants. I dropped to the ground; knees pressed into my chest and hands cupped over my head. I cried. No matter how much I wanted to venture on I couldn`t; it was like I was glued to the spot.
`When i stop thinking- I stop dreaming-when I stop dreaming I stop believing`
`last night I danced for hours-my feet not touching the floor.My eyes were lost in yours; although your`s werent lost in mine. I have to let go-let my feet hit the ground`
We all want to laugh --give love and be loved.thats not greed-that is neccessity `
Writing these notes ;at times has been freeing but yet sometimes painful to write and read them back . I know the latter notes are not as `light and fluffy`as previous ones were and I profusely apologize if they brought you down. However; I will not apologize for writing them nor will I apologize for being me .I love you ; unconditionally .
I ws writing by candleight and the dog was getting impatient ;whimpering but he stayed at my side .
"Last night I dreamt again about my lavender. As i was falling asleep on the bunk of the trailer at my sisters. I was sleeping with Gracie; one of their Basett hounds . All weekend long seh wasnt far from my side-she seemed to love me unconditionally. I drifted in and out of sleep-like always-I was in a field of lavender and far on the horizon was someone standing ;beckoning me with both hands . I walked onward but looking back it seemed like I had not made any distance. The further I walked ; the scent of the lavender grew stronger. I don`t know if it was from me ttrampling down the plants. I dropped to the ground; knees pressed into my chest and hands cupped over my head. I cried. No matter how much I wanted to venture on I couldn`t; it was like I was glued to the spot.
`When i stop thinking- I stop dreaming-when I stop dreaming I stop believing`
`last night I danced for hours-my feet not touching the floor.My eyes were lost in yours; although your`s werent lost in mine. I have to let go-let my feet hit the ground`
We all want to laugh --give love and be loved.thats not greed-that is neccessity `
Writing these notes ;at times has been freeing but yet sometimes painful to write and read them back . I know the latter notes are not as `light and fluffy`as previous ones were and I profusely apologize if they brought you down. However; I will not apologize for writing them nor will I apologize for being me .I love you ; unconditionally .
Mid Dream.
We lead each other onward -his fingernail snagging my waistline of my jeans as he gently kissed my right shoulder .my arms were wrapped tightly around both his shoulders . We were both barefeet and walking into the woods. It felt so real and it finally felt so right, He lifted his eyes lovingly-and smiled. I put my head down and cried . This was what I was waiting for for so long- it felt so right but yet so unreal. We were full of passion yet we had waited so long-both fighting it , I for fear of being shot down ; him for his fear of that it wasn’t who he was to be with; not of his own thoughts but of others expectations of him . We continued holding each other ;crying yet trying to console each other . We both shook like the autumn leaves dangling from the maple trees. The sun was setting behind us . Normally we would both find it beautiful; but we barely looked at it as it continued to set . We were busy staring into each others; wiping each others seemingly endless tears away . If there was music playing we would both be dancing ; even after the music stopped. We are so different yet so much the same as odd as it seems. He knew me better than most. Love was an emotion we both couldn’t control and shouldn’t have to control yet we both knew that it wouldn’t turn out the way we dreamed. Dreams ! We had shared so many or told each other our own. We sometimes laughed about how others would question our dreams or would try helping each other on how to make at least some of them come true. Standing in the woods ;barefoot ankle deep in fallen leaves and damp grass I can’t help but remember how we met ; but here ; in this moment it didn’t matter. It could have been any non-descript place. I have never been a big believer in love at first sight but did and still do believe in instant connections. The leaves began to rustle with the breeze picking up and it started to rain. The fresh cool rain of the night sky mixed with our tears but we were steadfast. I heard the three words I had longed to hear . I Love You. Three words that can pack a punch and at times leave you reeling in wonder and awe. As much as I wanted to hear them I dreaded seeing his lips move as he looked lost into my eyes . Love heals but sometimes it appears that Love hurts. I hesitated to return the words although I knew I really felt love for him. There was so much between us in our favour yet so much external pressures going against us. It was like we were in Love Limbo. It started to rain heavier ; thunder rolled across the skies; high above the seemingly ever darkening clouds . A flash of lightening filled the sky and when the glare of the lightening dimmed; he was gone. I stood there alone and eyed my surroundings but he was gone. I love You too ; more than you can know and more than I can show . He never heard me answer.
Even after having this dream I can't seem to shake the feelings that were involved in it . I don't know who the person was yet it felt more real than some parts of real life. I can be lying on my living room floor curled up on my faux fur rug with my head resting on a pillow - a pillow that lingers of the smell of that person. Sometimes when i am wrapped up in what I am watching I can feel feathery movements on my back ; starting from the base of my neck going down my spine. I know in reality that no one is there but i sense someone . There are times that I feel like someone is cuddled up close to me and spooning me or running their long slender fingers through my hair and rubbing my temple every so gently. Sometimes I fall asleep when i feel this but wake up and still sense that the person is there. It kind of appeases me yet makes me wonder. I used to daydream but this seems so much different and more real . Sometimes after falling asleep for a brief time I can see the face but it fades into memory that quick. When I do fall asleep for the night and wake in the morning I am hugging my pillow and its almost like it still has the familiar smell of the person on it . Sometimes I cant help to smile while other times I cry .
Even after having this dream I can't seem to shake the feelings that were involved in it . I don't know who the person was yet it felt more real than some parts of real life. I can be lying on my living room floor curled up on my faux fur rug with my head resting on a pillow - a pillow that lingers of the smell of that person. Sometimes when i am wrapped up in what I am watching I can feel feathery movements on my back ; starting from the base of my neck going down my spine. I know in reality that no one is there but i sense someone . There are times that I feel like someone is cuddled up close to me and spooning me or running their long slender fingers through my hair and rubbing my temple every so gently. Sometimes I fall asleep when i feel this but wake up and still sense that the person is there. It kind of appeases me yet makes me wonder. I used to daydream but this seems so much different and more real . Sometimes after falling asleep for a brief time I can see the face but it fades into memory that quick. When I do fall asleep for the night and wake in the morning I am hugging my pillow and its almost like it still has the familiar smell of the person on it . Sometimes I cant help to smile while other times I cry .
My Wonder Star
Tonight is one of those nights when I don't really feel like doing much at all . I am just in a reflective mood and one of wonder. I was just sitting at my kitchen window with my back braced against the edge; feet resting on the sill . There is a slight breeze blowing through ; making my tossled hair even moreso. I sat there just staring out across the Grand River watching and waiting for the sun to set . I have been fascinated by the sunsets lately. I don'y know if its just me or the orange and red hues as the sunsets on the horizon are more vibrant. As the sky darkens I watch for the stars . Every night I look out the window and just like a small child ; I wait. I wait for the first star to appear and I make a wish on it . I only half heartedly believe in wishes but it gives me hope; however small it may be. When I do see the first star ; I make my wish and wonder if somewhere out there; at the same moment someone is gazing longingly at the same star and making the same wish I am . I wonder among the millions of stars shining overhead if someone is . I have a really good friend who is out of town and most likely sitting around a campfire looking up into the night sky . He shares my fascination with stars and sunsets . I wonder if he is looking at the same star . I wonder if he is making his wish . I can't help but wonder if he is thinking of me as I am thinking of him. There is no doubt that his night sky is far more awesome then I see out my kitchen window with the city lights dulling their vibrancy . I often wonder what it would be like if i were a star looking down onto this place we call earth. Would I be as fascinated by it and get choked up by what I see . The star I am watching twinkles once in awhile . How one thing that small to the naked eye fascinates me ; I don't really know , but I will continue to sit on my window ledge with legs dangling out ; wishing and hoping .
This is what I loved most about my job
From the top of the entrance ramp I could see a slender young man with red hair walking back and forth past the front entrance of the store with a manila envelope in his hands. I happened to look away for a brief moment to ring some merchandise through . When I had finished ; my eyes turned back towards the entrance and midway up the ramp stood the young man ; nervously running his hand over the pine railing. When I asked if I could help him ; his eyes lowered and focused on the floor below him . He turned and walked out the door and heading back up the street .
It was about twenty minutes later that he returned ; sluggishly walking up the ramp , handing me the manila envelope without looking at me or saying a word . I opened the envelope and pulled out his orientation package and read through it . I was expecting a student from one of the local high schools and this was him . I put my hand out to shake his hand welcoming him to Goodwill. He hesitatingly gave me a loose handshake and quickly pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants . Meekly he apologized” I get kinda sweaty when I’m nervous” I told him I know what that is all about and explained my own situation when I first came through the same doors he did as a volunteer. He seemed stunned that there was someone else like him in the big world . I asked him to come into my office and left the door open so he wouldn’t feel any additional nervousness . He sat in the chair twiddling his fingers and tapping his foot on the carpeted floor. I read through all the documents and explained how we operate and who we benefit . “You mean people like me” he asked. I replied “No people like us ; there are so many who benefit from what we do “
I took him on the regulatory tour of the store including safety precautions and exits . I told him where we could use help the most ; although his placement was for three months and was to include cash training and processing . He seemed overwhelmed with the operation of a small store but I let him know he could start with what was most comfortable for him . He advised me that he was most nervous around a lot of people so we set him up in the back sorting clothes where there would be only two other employees.
He was in the back processing area for about two weeks and had been a good sorter and was starting to open up a little . He wouldn’t initiate conversation but would reply to co-workers and myself . It was at this time that he noticed all the activity at the front of the store . He could hear customers with co-workers talking and sharing laughs . He asked if he could try working out the front of the store to see what it was all about . I had him straighten the clothing on the hangers so all the hangers were facing the same way and folding clothes in the bins . As he progressively became more comfortable with his surroundings ; he moved closer to the cash area where most of the activity took place. It was here where customers asked “ Do you work here ?” At first he would reply “No I am just a volunteer” I kindly and gently reminded him that he was not JUST a volunter . He was just as important as anyone else . He was an important cog in the wheel . Without all the cogs; the wheel can break and movement stops.
He grew more comfortable day by day and eventually alongside a cashier he trained as a cashier. This is when his eyes began to sparkle and it was easier for him to make eye contact .
His placement was soon over . He now came in a bit earlier than scheduled and would ask if he could stay longer .
It was his last day of placement with us and with all of the volunteers and placements I have had the privelege of having ; he came into the store ; knocked on my door and handed me a card and I opened it . It was a Thank You card . I gave him a card from myself and staff that we all signed and made small notations in. I read the letter he had enclosed in the card. In part it read and I quote verbatim ; “Thank You for giving me the chance and opportunity of working at Goodwill . I have had a lot of fun working here and this experience will be with me for the rest of my life. My attitude has changed considerably from when I came and what I am now, I am now more confident and more outgoing. I now know how to work a cash register and how to sort things . Most importantly , out of all these things I have learned it is to work hard and be yourself. Who care what other people think of you ;You know who you are and no one can ever change that . I have learned so much from everyone . Joe you have been an amazing and wonderful person to work for over the months if I hadn’t met you I wouldn’t have learned all the things I have learned about respecting other people “ It was hard for me not to show my emotion as I read the letter. It was me now who was fidgety . I pointed out one line in his letter “ To work for” I reminded him that we ; him included work with and alongside Goodwill .
He looked at his watch and said “ I guess I am outta here ‘ey Joe” shook my hand with a much firmer grip than three months prior and let go only to give me a hug . “thanks for teaching me Joe” I reminded him again of me being the same way . “ Hey a teacher can only be as good as his students “ I replied . He picked up his backpack and headed out my office door and went to every staff member and other volunteer in the store thanking them. He walked with pride with a new revitalized sense of being. That is one Mission Moment that carries on to this day . I received a letter from his teacher saying the improvements seen in him; his Mom came to the store to personally thank us for getting him out of his bedroom and into the real world .
That was almost two years ago . He has now graduated with honours in Math and History at his grade level and is now working full time . Once in awhile while out walking I see him and he makes it a point of crossing the road to say hello . Those are Mission Moments but that moment was three months placement and what he learned and what we learned from him carry on .
It was about twenty minutes later that he returned ; sluggishly walking up the ramp , handing me the manila envelope without looking at me or saying a word . I opened the envelope and pulled out his orientation package and read through it . I was expecting a student from one of the local high schools and this was him . I put my hand out to shake his hand welcoming him to Goodwill. He hesitatingly gave me a loose handshake and quickly pulled his hand away and wiped it on his pants . Meekly he apologized” I get kinda sweaty when I’m nervous” I told him I know what that is all about and explained my own situation when I first came through the same doors he did as a volunteer. He seemed stunned that there was someone else like him in the big world . I asked him to come into my office and left the door open so he wouldn’t feel any additional nervousness . He sat in the chair twiddling his fingers and tapping his foot on the carpeted floor. I read through all the documents and explained how we operate and who we benefit . “You mean people like me” he asked. I replied “No people like us ; there are so many who benefit from what we do “
I took him on the regulatory tour of the store including safety precautions and exits . I told him where we could use help the most ; although his placement was for three months and was to include cash training and processing . He seemed overwhelmed with the operation of a small store but I let him know he could start with what was most comfortable for him . He advised me that he was most nervous around a lot of people so we set him up in the back sorting clothes where there would be only two other employees.
He was in the back processing area for about two weeks and had been a good sorter and was starting to open up a little . He wouldn’t initiate conversation but would reply to co-workers and myself . It was at this time that he noticed all the activity at the front of the store . He could hear customers with co-workers talking and sharing laughs . He asked if he could try working out the front of the store to see what it was all about . I had him straighten the clothing on the hangers so all the hangers were facing the same way and folding clothes in the bins . As he progressively became more comfortable with his surroundings ; he moved closer to the cash area where most of the activity took place. It was here where customers asked “ Do you work here ?” At first he would reply “No I am just a volunteer” I kindly and gently reminded him that he was not JUST a volunter . He was just as important as anyone else . He was an important cog in the wheel . Without all the cogs; the wheel can break and movement stops.
He grew more comfortable day by day and eventually alongside a cashier he trained as a cashier. This is when his eyes began to sparkle and it was easier for him to make eye contact .
His placement was soon over . He now came in a bit earlier than scheduled and would ask if he could stay longer .
It was his last day of placement with us and with all of the volunteers and placements I have had the privelege of having ; he came into the store ; knocked on my door and handed me a card and I opened it . It was a Thank You card . I gave him a card from myself and staff that we all signed and made small notations in. I read the letter he had enclosed in the card. In part it read and I quote verbatim ; “Thank You for giving me the chance and opportunity of working at Goodwill . I have had a lot of fun working here and this experience will be with me for the rest of my life. My attitude has changed considerably from when I came and what I am now, I am now more confident and more outgoing. I now know how to work a cash register and how to sort things . Most importantly , out of all these things I have learned it is to work hard and be yourself. Who care what other people think of you ;You know who you are and no one can ever change that . I have learned so much from everyone . Joe you have been an amazing and wonderful person to work for over the months if I hadn’t met you I wouldn’t have learned all the things I have learned about respecting other people “ It was hard for me not to show my emotion as I read the letter. It was me now who was fidgety . I pointed out one line in his letter “ To work for” I reminded him that we ; him included work with and alongside Goodwill .
He looked at his watch and said “ I guess I am outta here ‘ey Joe” shook my hand with a much firmer grip than three months prior and let go only to give me a hug . “thanks for teaching me Joe” I reminded him again of me being the same way . “ Hey a teacher can only be as good as his students “ I replied . He picked up his backpack and headed out my office door and went to every staff member and other volunteer in the store thanking them. He walked with pride with a new revitalized sense of being. That is one Mission Moment that carries on to this day . I received a letter from his teacher saying the improvements seen in him; his Mom came to the store to personally thank us for getting him out of his bedroom and into the real world .
That was almost two years ago . He has now graduated with honours in Math and History at his grade level and is now working full time . Once in awhile while out walking I see him and he makes it a point of crossing the road to say hello . Those are Mission Moments but that moment was three months placement and what he learned and what we learned from him carry on .
The Dream- a poem
I wrote this poem after "meeting" a friend online . He lives in Europe but he seems to listen to me and advises me. He has a dream to entertain the world with his voice. Go for the dream Michael . It is yours to be taken .
If you have a dream; that’s in your heart
You must follow it through ;right from the start
Don’t let anyone get in your way
For your dream can be reality ; maybe not today.
Don’t let anyone talk you out of it causing you sorrow
Your dream may come true; if not today , maybe tomorrow
If not for our aspirations and dreams and hoping they come true
Stick to what you love ; it’s meant for you to do
There may be bumps in the road that lie ahead
But you must keep going
For if you give up -
The dream ; like a river, may just stop flowing
Joe “The Dream “
If you have a dream; that’s in your heart
You must follow it through ;right from the start
Don’t let anyone get in your way
For your dream can be reality ; maybe not today.
Don’t let anyone talk you out of it causing you sorrow
Your dream may come true; if not today , maybe tomorrow
If not for our aspirations and dreams and hoping they come true
Stick to what you love ; it’s meant for you to do
There may be bumps in the road that lie ahead
But you must keep going
For if you give up -
The dream ; like a river, may just stop flowing
Joe “The Dream “
To follow a dream
...and there we sat ; our backs pressed against the deeply furrowed bark of a maple tree lapping away at our chocolate cookie dough ice cream cones . The sun was beating down full force on us . We couldn’t keep licking at our cones fast enough. We couldn’t help but laugh like a bunch of giddy school kids. We had ice cream running down our hands to our elbows . We licked at our fingers and hands but still the ice cream melted. We gave up and just enjoyed the remains of our ice cream; which by now was a liquid sitting in the base of our cones. I think it must have been thirty two degrees ; most likely more with the humidex factor. I wiped the last of my sticky fingers on my shorts ; stretched out my legs and cupped my hands behind my head. I could feel the sweat beading up on my chest beneath my shirt- like a small puddle in the indent of my chest . The breeze was ever so slight not doing much for the heat but just gentled rustled the leaves overhead. I happened to look over at my fellow ice cream eating compadre and could see the blonde hairs on the nape of his neck glisten with the suns rays . It was kind of artistic looking in an odd sort of way . Even though under the naked eye it appeared blonde ; the reflecting light showed so many hues. I don’t think we sat under that tree for more than twenty minutes but during that small span of time while licking our fingers between lapping our ice cream I seen things I hadn’t even noticed about him . He can be a real dork at times ; much like myself; laughing at the most simple things yet could be so serious with me telling me what his hopes-wishes and dreams entailed . He not only had them in his mind; he had plans on how he would hopefully reach them. We had talked about things like this before but now that we were in a place more out of the way than usual ;we were freer to talk and to listen without the background noises of traffic or other noises. He shifted from his position ; moving his back from the tree and asked me “ Joe what are some of your dreams ?” I had told him before some of my dreams and what I had hopes for but this time he asked me what it was I like to do best to unwind . I told him that I enjoy writing. He has read some of it but finds my poetry to be depressing ; yet he says its my life so I tell it like I see it. He has also said that he thinks if I look an any little thing I could write something and bring it to life. That was my greatest compliment ever . “Joe if someone hears them be called an idiot over and over ; sometimes they will believe it because its all they here. When you write with real feeling; about positives , people will pick up on it -the written word is so strong “ I found this to be actually funny coming from the guy who couldn’t respond to an email because he couldn’t convey his feelings . The sun didn’t let up and we were getting dehydrated so we walked on back and had something to drink . It was getting late and we had to go our separate ways . We exchanged the words and hugs we always did and he went walking his way and I went mine. He stopped and yelled across the parking lot “ Joe !! What are you doing tonight ? “ I had no idea and told him so. “Wrong answer -you’re gonna go home and start that dream-go write “ So I did .
...on Love
Last night after taking a small break from dancing at a local club , a few of us went outside to take a break and get some fresh air . I cannot even recall how the subject came up ; although its one thats always on my mind. Our discussion was on love . Earlier in the night a few of us were talking about heartache and questioning if the "one" was out there someone just waiting for us . We came to the conclusion that we don't always have to go looking for love ; that sometimes it finds us. Most people who read these notes probably know by now that I am a big softie . I have had a few people in my life that I have loved deeply; with all my heart and soul. There wasn't really anything I wouldn't do for them except change who I am; who I am meant to be. One of the people I was outside with mentioned that maybe love sort of eludes me because ; in fact; I do so much for the other person and put all my feelings on the table . I always thought that to love someone you should be completely honest with someone and vice versa. If I cannot be honest with them ; then how am I being the true me. I think we have all been taken advantage in one way or another in a relationship but why should the blame be put on the one who is honest and open ; totally upfront with their feelings. It was also mentioned that maybe I scare the other one off because I "scare them away " I know the person who said this had good intentions but the words stung and carried on through the night into this morning. Having Love in your life is not scary . Not having it is .
Random Ramblings
There really is no rhyme nor reason to what I am writing today. I was given an opportunity to write lately and I was going through my journals and notebooks to find a few pieces for them as they requested some samples of my writing. I pretty well carry a pad of paper and a pen wherever I go ; just in case something inspires me. It is more often than not that I find something to write about.
I digress; here are some of my random ramblings from my notebooks.
It feels like I am an artists blank canvas and you are the oil paint that colours my world.
...sometimes it seems as if you close yourself off to me; when often it is I who closes myself off from the world thats waiting for me .
When you walked into my life and my feet were weary from carrying my load , it was like seeing the sun shining between mountains .
..tonight I am writing under the light of one small candle with shadows cast upon my paper; barely able to see what I write until the morning light. It's now ; that I realize nothing is darker than what is in my mind. When the lights come back on; I see the words I wrote scattered on the paper-much like my thoughts. Neither here; nor there . Just are
People are like the sun and clouds. Some people in my life energize me and point out what is good about me , while others like clouds try to bring me down with what's wrong with me . I want to know what is right about me. Bring on the sun
Thinking and writing and breathing are all the same to me. I need them all to experience life from all possible angles.
In my mind ; when I am at my peak of positivity , I am slow dancing ...
...when I close my eyes late at night , you are there .When i sleep I see you-sometimes I can smell you in the room. When I put my pen to paper ; it is sometimes like you are guiding my hand while gently rubbing my thumb. No idea who you are. face unknown but heart of gold..
I digress; here are some of my random ramblings from my notebooks.
It feels like I am an artists blank canvas and you are the oil paint that colours my world.
...sometimes it seems as if you close yourself off to me; when often it is I who closes myself off from the world thats waiting for me .
When you walked into my life and my feet were weary from carrying my load , it was like seeing the sun shining between mountains .
..tonight I am writing under the light of one small candle with shadows cast upon my paper; barely able to see what I write until the morning light. It's now ; that I realize nothing is darker than what is in my mind. When the lights come back on; I see the words I wrote scattered on the paper-much like my thoughts. Neither here; nor there . Just are
People are like the sun and clouds. Some people in my life energize me and point out what is good about me , while others like clouds try to bring me down with what's wrong with me . I want to know what is right about me. Bring on the sun
Thinking and writing and breathing are all the same to me. I need them all to experience life from all possible angles.
In my mind ; when I am at my peak of positivity , I am slow dancing ...
...when I close my eyes late at night , you are there .When i sleep I see you-sometimes I can smell you in the room. When I put my pen to paper ; it is sometimes like you are guiding my hand while gently rubbing my thumb. No idea who you are. face unknown but heart of gold..
YOU inspire ME
This morning was much like any other morning that I wake up . I had the bed sheet wrapped around my midsection and was laying on my left side ; right arm wrapped around a pillow tightly. I think I have almost always hugged tight onto a pillow on going to bed . In some way; odd to some of you ; it gives me some comfort. I reached onto my bedside table and reached for my pen and notebook . It is a ritual for me every morning. I just write what I remember from my dreams or what I feel or sense on waking up. It's not often that I remember what I have dreamt the night before but what I do recall; I write down . I don't write it down only with the intention of later posting it here or elsewhere ; I write it because my mind is a seemingly endless activity zone. I know some of you know what I have gone through in the past ; some moreso than others but I am getting through it day by day . It's kind of seeing the rays of the sun streaming downwards from the sky ; hidden behind the clouds. You may not see the sun at the moment but you know it's there and will show itself soon. I may not be "complete" but with each day I am feeling better. Its a moment by moment ; day by day process. That's where this leads to you. I get inspired by reading your instant messages or private messages you send me . I owe so much to so many of you. I have a sweet lady friend from Europe who seems to see into my being and is so encouraging- moreso than some people I have really met face to face. She has enlightened me so much and in doing so has lightened my load. I have family members on here who were ;and at times continue to worry so much about me ,asking me "Are you eating ? " and the answer is yes . I know if I asked for a bit of their time they would offer me the world if they could. I have people on here who are friends I know in real life and know how I feel about them who will text me or call me just to say hi at any hour of the day or night.
When I wrote some of my poetry; some described as dark or forboding and wondered why would I write it and why in God's name would I want people to read it when I talked in a roundabout way of self harm . I wrote them and continue to have them posted so I and perhaps others going through what life can sling at you ; can read them and what I have written lately and see that Life can and does get better. It is sort of a chronlogical timeline in my life -ups , middle of the road and downs.
YOU inspired ME to fight my way back and I think I am heading in the right direction ; with you leading me around the curves or bumps in the road.
When I got out of bed this morning after unraveling the seemingly endless bedsheets from around my midsection and releasing my pillow from my grip ; I put on my shorts and turned on my coffee maker.
I went down to the lobby ; opened my mail box and picked up the mail and carried it back up to my apartment. I had the usual junk mail and a small yellow bubble pack envelope . I opened the envelope and out dropped a black plastic case and a small hand written note. I opened the case and inside was a mechanical pencil and pen set . The box was marked Waterman@ . I was taken aback as I knew Waterman@ is in the upper echalon of writing implements. I am not big into price points but I knew it wasn't a 29 cent BIC pen ;which my hand , by now was so used to gripping. There was no return address , just postmarked Hamilton .I looed at the small note that fell out;. On it were just two words .INSPIRE OTHERS . I have no inkling of who would have sent me that but Thank You so much.
YOU inspire ME
When I wrote some of my poetry; some described as dark or forboding and wondered why would I write it and why in God's name would I want people to read it when I talked in a roundabout way of self harm . I wrote them and continue to have them posted so I and perhaps others going through what life can sling at you ; can read them and what I have written lately and see that Life can and does get better. It is sort of a chronlogical timeline in my life -ups , middle of the road and downs.
YOU inspired ME to fight my way back and I think I am heading in the right direction ; with you leading me around the curves or bumps in the road.
When I got out of bed this morning after unraveling the seemingly endless bedsheets from around my midsection and releasing my pillow from my grip ; I put on my shorts and turned on my coffee maker.
I went down to the lobby ; opened my mail box and picked up the mail and carried it back up to my apartment. I had the usual junk mail and a small yellow bubble pack envelope . I opened the envelope and out dropped a black plastic case and a small hand written note. I opened the case and inside was a mechanical pencil and pen set . The box was marked Waterman@ . I was taken aback as I knew Waterman@ is in the upper echalon of writing implements. I am not big into price points but I knew it wasn't a 29 cent BIC pen ;which my hand , by now was so used to gripping. There was no return address , just postmarked Hamilton .I looed at the small note that fell out;. On it were just two words .INSPIRE OTHERS . I have no inkling of who would have sent me that but Thank You so much.
YOU inspire ME
People and Perception
If you ask several different people to tell you something about a person that you both know ; it is likely that they will use different words to describe them . It’s all about perception. Even in my own family of six siblings; two girls and four boys you will get different stories about our upbringing and our parents. When it comes to our mama ; I think we all agree that she is an amazing and giving and accepting person . When it comes to our Dad - there is a lot of differences of opinion ; which is fine. I have my own feelings and they have their own . I have written at times; stories about growing up but they are private stories . I think we all have things in our past that we regret doing or saying. Most likely there are things we should not have said and some that maybe we should have said ; but it was too late to say them. There are things that happened in our past that we try to forget happened but ; even as bad as some of them were , we learn from them .
Most of what I write is from in my head . I guess some people will think about what they write before doing it but I write about what I think ; which at times is why it can go off in so many directions. My thoughts don’t have a real beginning , middle or end. When I think I will write and when I stop thinking I just lie my pen down and go about doing something else.
If I go for a walk and just sit under an umbrella at a café and sip at my coffee ; extra large, double-double I see things around me which get me to thinking . It is often said that maybe I over think or over analyze . I am just taking what the world is showing and digesting it as best as I can.
People wonder why I write what I write about and find it surprising that I write the way I do. I think out of my sixty three face book friends I really only know about eight or nine in “real life” . I know my videos and even some of my profile pictures and status make me out to be a bit aloof but its only part of who I am .
I am actually quite shy at first and will always be the one to let you say hello first . It is never easy for me to make eye contact either when I first meet someone . I am said to be a big softy and I tend to fall in love at “first sight “ although I don’t base it on looks . I would sooner fall for some one with “average” looks and a beautiful heart than to fall in love with a “beautiful” person with an ugly heart.
If you ask several different people to tell you something about me ; it is likely that they will use different words to describe me . It’s all about perception.
Most of what I write is from in my head . I guess some people will think about what they write before doing it but I write about what I think ; which at times is why it can go off in so many directions. My thoughts don’t have a real beginning , middle or end. When I think I will write and when I stop thinking I just lie my pen down and go about doing something else.
If I go for a walk and just sit under an umbrella at a café and sip at my coffee ; extra large, double-double I see things around me which get me to thinking . It is often said that maybe I over think or over analyze . I am just taking what the world is showing and digesting it as best as I can.
People wonder why I write what I write about and find it surprising that I write the way I do. I think out of my sixty three face book friends I really only know about eight or nine in “real life” . I know my videos and even some of my profile pictures and status make me out to be a bit aloof but its only part of who I am .
I am actually quite shy at first and will always be the one to let you say hello first . It is never easy for me to make eye contact either when I first meet someone . I am said to be a big softy and I tend to fall in love at “first sight “ although I don’t base it on looks . I would sooner fall for some one with “average” looks and a beautiful heart than to fall in love with a “beautiful” person with an ugly heart.
If you ask several different people to tell you something about me ; it is likely that they will use different words to describe me . It’s all about perception.
Impervious
1. not permitting penetration or passage; impenetrable: The coat is impervious to rain.
2. incapable of being injured or impaired: impervious to wear and tear.
3. incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected: impervious to reason; impervious to another's suffering.
This wil be as brief as poosible today . I don't know of anyone who is impervious to someone elses suffering . I think all of us feel remorse,sympathy or sadness for others. I just think a great many of us let on it doesn't affect us either because it shows a personal weakness or we just don't want to deal with it. There has been a long history of alcohol abuse in my family. I know some family members of mine will not be happy with me saying it. I know some in my large family including cousins and nephews say they have it under control . As much as alcoholism is a disease as much; all we have to do is look at our own family tree. Yes ! I do drink on occasion but not to hide from the world or cover up things I do not want to deal with today. I have people in my family and you may too that uses alcohol as the excuse.
As much as some things in my life are out of my control ; I chose to drink when I do and I set my limits. Not once have I been obnoxious or started a fight and turned it around and said " Man ! Was i shitfaced " and blame it on the drinking. I do dance like a crazy man but usually I am in my living room drinking Coke or coffee . I can have fun with or without drinking and with or without others around me.
When you go out and get hurt and can't remember how you got hurt or there are different stories ; then you have a problem. When people tell you with the best of intentions that you think they are out of control and they get in your face.; then they have a problem. When you hang out with people who are around you only when you have money to buy them booze but no where to be when you are broke-then you have aproblem . As much as people who drink think they are impervious to anything or those who tryi to help ; both sides do feel it. I could have been like my Dad or I could be like my brother Steve. Steve does not drink a drop and my dad was way off the scope. I am somewhere in between -closer to the Steve side. I handle it and take full resposibilty . So please don't say you are not impervious to feeling anything. If you don't like this write up ; then you too are not impervious to the feelings of others
2. incapable of being injured or impaired: impervious to wear and tear.
3. incapable of being influenced, persuaded, or affected: impervious to reason; impervious to another's suffering.
This wil be as brief as poosible today . I don't know of anyone who is impervious to someone elses suffering . I think all of us feel remorse,sympathy or sadness for others. I just think a great many of us let on it doesn't affect us either because it shows a personal weakness or we just don't want to deal with it. There has been a long history of alcohol abuse in my family. I know some family members of mine will not be happy with me saying it. I know some in my large family including cousins and nephews say they have it under control . As much as alcoholism is a disease as much; all we have to do is look at our own family tree. Yes ! I do drink on occasion but not to hide from the world or cover up things I do not want to deal with today. I have people in my family and you may too that uses alcohol as the excuse.
As much as some things in my life are out of my control ; I chose to drink when I do and I set my limits. Not once have I been obnoxious or started a fight and turned it around and said " Man ! Was i shitfaced " and blame it on the drinking. I do dance like a crazy man but usually I am in my living room drinking Coke or coffee . I can have fun with or without drinking and with or without others around me.
When you go out and get hurt and can't remember how you got hurt or there are different stories ; then you have a problem. When people tell you with the best of intentions that you think they are out of control and they get in your face.; then they have a problem. When you hang out with people who are around you only when you have money to buy them booze but no where to be when you are broke-then you have aproblem . As much as people who drink think they are impervious to anything or those who tryi to help ; both sides do feel it. I could have been like my Dad or I could be like my brother Steve. Steve does not drink a drop and my dad was way off the scope. I am somewhere in between -closer to the Steve side. I handle it and take full resposibilty . So please don't say you are not impervious to feeling anything. If you don't like this write up ; then you too are not impervious to the feelings of others
There Will Come a Day
There will come a day when we no longer talk
When you do not read the words I write
There will come a day when you’ll turn and walk
When you turn from me and walk away
When all thoughts are gone of yesterday
That day will come ;that, I see to be true
Its’ always me and never you
I build walls between me and those of which I care
One day I will wake up ; and it will be you ;who’s not there
I put up invisible walls between us ; to protect you from me
I am looking for the real thing- that’s impossible to be
There will come a day when we no longer talk
When you stop the words ; you turn and walk
I’ll be on my own –in my own little place
Sitting in darkness with tears on my face
Just watching the day past until its tomorrow
Alone;on my own ;just me and my sorrow
The lights are turned off – It’s just me on my own
When you do not read the words I write
There will come a day when you’ll turn and walk
When you turn from me and walk away
When all thoughts are gone of yesterday
That day will come ;that, I see to be true
Its’ always me and never you
I build walls between me and those of which I care
One day I will wake up ; and it will be you ;who’s not there
I put up invisible walls between us ; to protect you from me
I am looking for the real thing- that’s impossible to be
There will come a day when we no longer talk
When you stop the words ; you turn and walk
I’ll be on my own –in my own little place
Sitting in darkness with tears on my face
Just watching the day past until its tomorrow
Alone;on my own ;just me and my sorrow
The lights are turned off – It’s just me on my own
Help me "Pay it Forward"
As you know by my last posting about AIDS and HIV I am very passionate about the cause . I usually share alot of my inner feelings but this one is different. Not all of you know the WHY behind why I wrote this and a few others about discrimination and sexuality . It was not that long ago -less than 6 months that an online friend of mine had committed suicide . He was upfront and honest with everyone with his diagnosis , He was HIV positive and told everyone and tried to educate them on how and how not they could contract it. To alot of people it fell on deaf ears and empty hearts. His parents pretty well disowned him -his classmates would make a huge deal if he sneezed in class even though my friend covered his mouth and nose fully. His parents would no longer sit with him in church on Sunday . What should have been the most secure place for him fell apart. People would scoot away on their seats in church. He was a big hugger !! Eventually he stopped getting hugs . When people say words are just letters strung together; they are wrong. Words can be weapons and in my friends case they mortally wounded him . As much as he tried going on in life smiling and acting upbeat -he was dying emotionally. He felt unattached from everyone . People say when people commit suicide "they took the easy way out " To maybe me and maybe you ; it was , but life for him from the time he was diagnosed and was open and honest was not easy. He was made to feel all alone and he died all alone . His brother told me that at his funeral there was lots of people and lots of crying and hugs . A little too late I think. My friend could have used those tears of compassion and those hugs and those words of acceptance. A little too late. I don't want to see someone else go through that which he did .
I am asking ; not for myself; but just as a matter of compassion for our fellow man if you could post this link on your page . I would prefer you not post what I wrote here . It still hurts to much to write about it again yet to think about it but people need to know words can do as much harm ; if not more as actions. The link is to the Cambridge Advocate a local online paper here and the write up is Harsh Words Perhaps ! A Harsher Reality ! Thank You xo Joe
I am asking ; not for myself; but just as a matter of compassion for our fellow man if you could post this link on your page . I would prefer you not post what I wrote here . It still hurts to much to write about it again yet to think about it but people need to know words can do as much harm ; if not more as actions. The link is to the Cambridge Advocate a local online paper here and the write up is Harsh Words Perhaps ! A Harsher Reality ! Thank You xo Joe
Existing versus Being
t wasn't all that long ago that I wasn't really living . I fell on some hard times and am still pulling myself up by my bootstraps and going on the best I can. Along the way I had some people give me a few kicks in the ass which I am truly grateful for . I figured we are not put on this Earth to live to exist but we exist to live; to live life to the best of our abilities and have fun; find adventure around us ; hopefull not hurting anyone but rather helping someone along the way . I wrote this on the bus back from the mall this morning
I don't want to exist - I want to BE
I want to let my thoughts be free
It does more harm than good to keep it locked inside
I used to close myself off to the world; curl up and hide
I don't like what I see; in the world that I live
It seems so full of takers ;very few ; that really give
I don't speak of giving Things; I mean giving of our heart
For when we give our kindness-we give someone a start
Joe L sept 3 09
The one following is one I wrote about three or four months ago, although things are getting better; no one is perfect but I am getting there and I WILL GET THERE
This is my sunset
I shone so bright
My energy is gone
I will fade and burn out
I loved and have been loved
I won a few and lost so many
I've loved a few and never let them know it
I missed my chance and never got to show it.
AFTERNOTE; The above poem was written at a very low time; one of my lowest . I was self-injuring myself which was progressively growing worse. I am happy and proud to say that I have not cut myself in close to three months and I feel that the urge is gone.
A Place Away from It all
It being the long weekend I wanted to get away for a bit . After eating breakfast I hiked down the Cambridge to Paris rail trail . I usually have biked it in the past but I no longer have a bike but I wanted to get back there as I hadn't been there since earlier last summer. A friend and I used to make the trek every Saturday or Sunday when we got the chance . I pulled on my backpack and placed a few bottles of water and a few granola bars in it . I headed on my way past Downtown and up North on Water Street until I came to the GTO gas bar. I stepped onto the trail and headed on my way . There were alot of people out walking or biking. I walked to the Glenmorris Bridge and left the trail . There was a spot down there I would always go to. I found my clearing and sat down on the rock that jutted into the shoreline and set my feet in ;shoes and all. I happened to look out across the water and seen a lure stuck between two rocks that was so familiar. Last summer I had came here with my friend to try my hand at fishing as I have never been much of a fisherman . My friend handed me his rod and reel and said "Ok cast off " PLUNK ! Not more than 20 feet out the lure landed between the rocks . It was his new lure and he wouldn't lose it the first day . He hiked up his pants to his knees and ventured out into the water shouting a few expletives as he went. SPLASH . I couldn't help but laugh as he stepped on an algae covered rock and fell into the water . Up he went and tried again . I don 't think he got more than three feet before he fell again . " F$#% IT ! " and he trudged back to shore. I was doubled over busting a gut laughing . He just looke at me and said "What the hell is so funny ? " but then he too lost it . The lure that caused the laughter was still there jammed between two rocks . I smiled and then laughed as I got the visual in my head and then wept .
I sat up and headed on back down the trail walking until I got to the Old German Mill tucked in on the west side of the trail . It is just stone walls that remain . I don't even know the history of the place . I used to stop here on my weekly journey and sit against one of the walls and write while my friend would skip rocks across the river . We made a few night trips here and had a small fire along the shore . We weren't the only ones that had a fire burning. I think it was set far enough off the trail no one ever worried about being caught . We would snap off old fungus from the dead trees and and throw them in the fire. They would burn for hours . I walked on down a path heading towards Cambridge and seen the old porcelain toilet someone had dumped in the bush . We had so many photo opportunities here . We would pose like we were actually using it. Oh the joys of immaturity !
I put my journal in my backpack and headed on my way . On the left hand side of the trail is a deep crevace which one time we looked down and seen a deer that must have been hit by a car from Highway 24 . The highway runs parallel to the trail at this point. Just to the right of that and north a bit ;down a steep embankment is a ; what I call a little oasis . There is a small pond covered in algae with fallen trees lying across it. Those trees made a fine bench after walking for a distance. I cautiously walked across the fallen log as I recall what happened last time . I had walked maybe 15 feet out and lost my footing and splashed into the murky and very bad smelling water. The bottom of the pond was all mud . With the help of my friend he pulled me up ; but without my shoes. As he made the final pull I could feel the suction of the mud pull the shoes off of my feet . I was covered in algae and I smelled almost like skunk. After I was done being pissed off we had to laugh about . Today I just sat on that log ;everso still and wrote . I wasn't taking any chances of falling in and getting stuck in the mud . I finished writing and got up to leave ;reaching for a tree branch to stabilize my footing . On the branch were my initials JL and my friends initials carved into it with the date 2004. I put my hand in my knapsack and pulled out my pocket knife. JL 2009 I wrote . I went there today on my own yet I came back realizing that even when people leave our lives ; they are still a part of ourr memories and heart. Today was a good day .
Words move me- pictures move me. memories move me forward
This morning after going to the local Farmers Market with my sister and my Mom we went back to Moms house. We had our usual tea and coffee and the best jam and walnut tarts my Mom had made early in the morning . We made the usual chit chat and had our laughs.
My cousin came to my Moms door and gave her some old photographs my Aunt had. My aunt is now in a nursing home and her house has been sold. They were cleaning out and new my Mom would want some of the pictures for sentimental reasons. We looked through them and I seen old wedding pictures and pictures from a family reunion . Then I came across some pictures of our dad when he was in London Psychiatric just before he passed away . I became very quiet and quickly scanned through those ones ; but went back through them looking closer.
I never went to the hospital to see him as we very seldom got along . It always seemed I hated him more than the times I didn't . He had his shining moments . I will honest; he was not on the top of my favorite people list . Even though he was the way he was ; he was still my dad. When his funeral came up ; I didn't even want to go but I did. When there was no one around in the room where his coffin rested I slowly walked up to the open coffin and kissed him on the forehead. It must have been static on my shoes but Man ! did I feel a shock through my lips . I don't hate him . There are rare times I do think about him .
During the past year ; at my lowest and I lay down and cried myself to sleep ; it was him that I sometimes saw in my sleep and he'd say gently " Hold on joe- it'll get better I guarantee it " then he was gone. The one person who I thought was neve there for me in his life was there after his death . I didn't want him in my head but I couldn't get him out of it. I had to accept that and move on.
I still don't talk alot about him for a few reasons . One is because I know where he died . Those pictures triggered emotion I didnt want . But we are human so we move on .
My Travels Afar and Not So Far
The furthest I have ever been away from Cambridge on my own is Cambridge ! Hopefully soon I get a job and get my bills under control . URGGG ! Once I do I want to take a trip away ; unsure of where yet . I may just let people know I am taking a trip to rediscover me. I know ; or at least I hear what others think of me but I want to get somewhere; where no one has any pre-concieved ideas about me. I want to blend in with people around me . I want a new perspective . I've been in Cambridge all my life -all 47 years of it.
In my mind I do a lot of travelling when I write but I want a real sense of things . I want to smell the smog of New York or Los Angeles or see the huge totems on Easter Island or actually see the white cliffs of Dover . I want to walk on sidewalks jammed packed with people and I want to experience dancing in Ibiza . I always seem to be dancing in my dreams but I want to dance with dry ice and laser light shows going around me. I want to go to Costa Rica or somehwere and help build schools and in my off time zip line through the dense jungle. No matter where I go ; be it out of Canada or not ; I will bring my notebook. I want to remember every new experience I see and am a part of . I want to write about the people I meet or merely see walking about the streets. I want to write about the open air market vendors screaming at the top of their lungs " Come get your fresh baked bread ! " or whatever wares they are peddling . I want to write about the poor beggar children wearing tattered clothes and bare feet with their hands out looking for any spare change. I want to write about walking along the sandy shoreline of a beach as a couple walk ahead of me hand in hand . I want to write about the cheapy motel rooms I stay in where the vending machines rattle and hum but don't dispense anything when I put my money in it. I want to write poems or prose in every city I go about people I meet . I don't just want to write for the sake of writing as a hobby . I want to write in hopes someone gets something out of it . I want to write if only one person gets something out of it.
In my mind I do a lot of travelling when I write but I want a real sense of things . I want to smell the smog of New York or Los Angeles or see the huge totems on Easter Island or actually see the white cliffs of Dover . I want to walk on sidewalks jammed packed with people and I want to experience dancing in Ibiza . I always seem to be dancing in my dreams but I want to dance with dry ice and laser light shows going around me. I want to go to Costa Rica or somehwere and help build schools and in my off time zip line through the dense jungle. No matter where I go ; be it out of Canada or not ; I will bring my notebook. I want to remember every new experience I see and am a part of . I want to write about the people I meet or merely see walking about the streets. I want to write about the open air market vendors screaming at the top of their lungs " Come get your fresh baked bread ! " or whatever wares they are peddling . I want to write about the poor beggar children wearing tattered clothes and bare feet with their hands out looking for any spare change. I want to write about walking along the sandy shoreline of a beach as a couple walk ahead of me hand in hand . I want to write about the cheapy motel rooms I stay in where the vending machines rattle and hum but don't dispense anything when I put my money in it. I want to write poems or prose in every city I go about people I meet . I don't just want to write for the sake of writing as a hobby . I want to write in hopes someone gets something out of it . I want to write if only one person gets something out of it.
Some of my best friends
It may sound kind of odd to some of you who are reading this. I wonder is anyone reading these ? I live in the downtown core here ; within two minutes of Main Street. It is by most standards an average sized city of about 120 000 people. I sued to work right on Main Street for about six years so I met quite a few people. I would go for coffee at the sidewalk cafes that line Main Street or Ainslie. It is not just about the coffee. Unlike the big chainwide coffee conglomerates they actually notice you for more than the $2 plus you will drop for coffee. There is a new place in town I stop in at least three times a day . Once in the morning , once in the afternoon and sometimes twice in the evening. Each time I go I am greeted by a different person. I consider these people my friends. I may not know alot about them and I know they don't know alot about me . That's okay ! Friendship is measured with smiles. I can be so open with them; maybe too much at times; but they havent kicked me out yet .
The same goes with my internet friends. I talk to so many people from so many places. The USA -england-Saudi Arabia -Cuba-Mexico ... I made some good friends on there. They don't have pre concieved notions about me . I feel more free to be me .
The same goes with my internet friends. I talk to so many people from so many places. The USA -england-Saudi Arabia -Cuba-Mexico ... I made some good friends on there. They don't have pre concieved notions about me . I feel more free to be me .
Letter to a Friend
I never got the chance to tell you that you were the thread that held me all together. Now I feel like I am unraveling again . I would be lying to myself and to everyone if I said I didn’t cry about you anymore . I don’t cry as much as I did in the beginning but I do still cry. I don’t throw out photographs so I still have all of them of you with goofy faces or the big beaming smile that lit up the room when you made you entrance. I still have the Christmas gift I was going to give you last year . I still remember looking everywhere to find what I wanted to get you . You were not an easy person to shop for . I let on that I am over this and have moved on . It’s never easy to let go. If anyone says that then they are lying. I still look outside my bathroom window sometimes when I am fixing up my hair and still think I see you in the driveway ‘ leaning with one leg bent up against the wall crying . Your face is buried deep inside your hands but once in awhile you look up and see me crying along with you . We parted ways without really knowing why . I have forgiven you but I find it impossible to forgive myself . I don’t know if I did or said something to drive you away . It makes it more difficult when people are telling me to get over it and move on . I tried; I really did . Most people don’t know that I write as much as I do is because of you . I have always written but not as much as I do now. I think part of it is to get away from thinking about you. The other reason I write is because I remember you writing me ; what you called “happy notes “ . You always knew when I was down on myself or just need a kick in the ass once in awhile . No one really understood our friendship . There was always rumours and innuendo and being the goofs that we are ; we played it up just so they could think they were right. We knew who we were and we didn’t have to prove it to anyone. I have a few friends since you left but I find it hard to get close to anyone . I am not as open with anyone like I was with you . It isn’t fair for me to make comparisons between you and the other friends I have and had. I choose not to have more than one good friend at a time . I like to give 100% . If I have two good friends I could only give 50% to each . I know I will have the mathematicians on my ass on that one ! You were the one who helped me tear down the walls I intentionally put up between me and others so I wouldn’t get hurt and I couldn’t hurt them . I think the walls are starting to be rebuilt. I am trying to fight closing down again . You knew me almost better than anyone else . When some people think I am the idiotic dancing fool ; you know I am not that way all the time . At most times I am like I am now . Serious and always thinking . We had stopped talking on MSN messenger for awhile because we both agreed it hurt too much . Eventually we did email each other and ended up talking on Messenger every night for the past month or so . You could read me like a book . It was you who called the local authorities there ; who in turn called them here . You knew I was at a low point and was thinking very dark thoughts. At first I was upset that you had the police at my door thinking that if you cared you would not have left the way you did. I later realized you did me the biggest favour in my life ; a favour that maybe if you didn’t call , I wouldn’t be sitting here now writing this . No one is perfect in this world . You were not perfect in how you handled leaving and I was not perfect in handling it and perhaps in saying some of the things we said .
Now it is me who is worried about you . You have not been online for the past 5 nights. You were saying how unhappy you were there and even used some of the same words I did that one dark night . I hope you are doing okay . I love you still .
Now it is me who is worried about you . You have not been online for the past 5 nights. You were saying how unhappy you were there and even used some of the same words I did that one dark night . I hope you are doing okay . I love you still .
...From my journal -bits an pieces
I went through my journal tonight while laying on my sofa bed . Sometimes I would sooner sleep on that than in my bed . The living room light is off. I have three rice paper lamps that are powered by penlight batteries that are casting shadows around the room. I'm like a kid again . I make shadow puppets with my fingers like two figures dancing. I shift to my left side -two pillows under my head and one between my right arm and side . I flip through my journal and scan through notes and my doodles I draw when I am stuck in thought . Some of my doodles can say alot . I have my little caricature of Mr Saucy Pants; my alter ego and the typical stars and hands entwined-love holding them steadfast . I came across three or four entries that I have never put to page other than my journals . I wondered why I never posted them so I read them again . Some were as difficult to read as they were to write . I am not going to post verbatim what I wrote but some I will share.
"...with the moon shining on my face letting the tears be shown . Your reaction was "Yes Joe; it is beautiful" . I mentioned I would love to dance under the stars with the moon as our spotlight ; like we were the Stars for that one brief night. You said "Okay Let's " I thought you were kidding because I never seen that side of you . I jokingly said "Shut up you goof " and walked away . We could have been stars that night. "
"forbidden love not for us - but in the eyes and cold hearts of others . We walk away from each other "
"Tears of dread fill my head-never to be free-there is no "us" -will never be-"only"you and "merely" me
"Dancing is what makes me happy . I want there to be dancing at my funeral "
" I am writing with a single candle as my light source. Yet I realize nothing is darker than what lurks in mans closed minds "
" You are always at the beginning and end of my dreams -That is what keeps me going "
"when I sleep - I slow dance with an angel ; face not showing . That thought keeps me going "
"tolerance is NEVER enough - thats like saying okay but I don't like it "
"today i bought myself two bouquets of flowers . It was time to treat me "
Those are parts of journal entries written in the past . Our past can impact our future . WE decide what we will do or how we will deal with the past. Below is some writing recently . As I writer I won't say if it's fact or fiction or somewhere in between . You decide.
I thought if I held you and gave you a bigger hug than ever before that you wouldn't go. You never said if you wanted to go or had to go . What hurt was that you were going. You touched my hand that was holding your shoulder so tightly and rubbed it gently . I couldn't look at you . I knew if I did look into your soulful eyes that I would breakdown. " Joe -you know I love you - don't make this any harder for either of us " I shifted my eyes from staring at the floor into eyes ; eyes too that were filled with tears . " I have to do something before I go " I heard Tim McGraw singing "Please Remember Me " and we danced and we cried and we hugged like we had never hugged before. " I have to get going Joe . Are you going to be alright ? " All i could say was " I have to be " I wanted to walk downstairs with you but I knew it would be even harder to see you pull out of the driveway . "Like the song says Joe -Please remember me but this is something I have to do -I don't want to see you or me hurting " One final hug and the door closes . Another door waiting to be opened . I love you and I know I will see you again and I know you will read this . You read everything . You gave me will ! You said WRITE !
"...with the moon shining on my face letting the tears be shown . Your reaction was "Yes Joe; it is beautiful" . I mentioned I would love to dance under the stars with the moon as our spotlight ; like we were the Stars for that one brief night. You said "Okay Let's " I thought you were kidding because I never seen that side of you . I jokingly said "Shut up you goof " and walked away . We could have been stars that night. "
"forbidden love not for us - but in the eyes and cold hearts of others . We walk away from each other "
"Tears of dread fill my head-never to be free-there is no "us" -will never be-"only"you and "merely" me
"Dancing is what makes me happy . I want there to be dancing at my funeral "
" I am writing with a single candle as my light source. Yet I realize nothing is darker than what lurks in mans closed minds "
" You are always at the beginning and end of my dreams -That is what keeps me going "
"when I sleep - I slow dance with an angel ; face not showing . That thought keeps me going "
"tolerance is NEVER enough - thats like saying okay but I don't like it "
"today i bought myself two bouquets of flowers . It was time to treat me "
Those are parts of journal entries written in the past . Our past can impact our future . WE decide what we will do or how we will deal with the past. Below is some writing recently . As I writer I won't say if it's fact or fiction or somewhere in between . You decide.
I thought if I held you and gave you a bigger hug than ever before that you wouldn't go. You never said if you wanted to go or had to go . What hurt was that you were going. You touched my hand that was holding your shoulder so tightly and rubbed it gently . I couldn't look at you . I knew if I did look into your soulful eyes that I would breakdown. " Joe -you know I love you - don't make this any harder for either of us " I shifted my eyes from staring at the floor into eyes ; eyes too that were filled with tears . " I have to do something before I go " I heard Tim McGraw singing "Please Remember Me " and we danced and we cried and we hugged like we had never hugged before. " I have to get going Joe . Are you going to be alright ? " All i could say was " I have to be " I wanted to walk downstairs with you but I knew it would be even harder to see you pull out of the driveway . "Like the song says Joe -Please remember me but this is something I have to do -I don't want to see you or me hurting " One final hug and the door closes . Another door waiting to be opened . I love you and I know I will see you again and I know you will read this . You read everything . You gave me will ! You said WRITE !
Levi Kreis "where I Belong" cd review
Levi Kreis was born in East Tennessee breaking into the music business as a Christian singer -songwriter releasing his debut cd “one of the Ones ” in 2005 after appearing on the reality show “The Apprentice” Several of his songs from his debut album were showcsed on The Young And The Restless , Days of our Lives and the Apprentice. Levi has had the honour and privelege of sharing the stage with Quincy Jones , Snoop Dog, Farrel, Collective Soul ,Herbie Hancock and Cyndi Lauper.
“Where I Belong” is the result of much hard work and heart and it shows. A completely flawless piece of art. One of the most uplifting cds I have listened to . Soul injected spirituality. After listening to “Gonna be Alright ” ; I knew the rest of the cd would definitely be alright. One of my favorites on this cd is ” Nothing at All ” a bluesy ballad about giving full on love. “All the Colors” is a vocal lead to ” Stained Glass Window” which in 30 seconds says so much .ACCEPTANCE ! “No Apologies” is one of many songs that will have you bouncing . It is almost as though you are at a revival meeting-and this cd will revive you. “I surrender All ” is the final track on this cd ; a soulful ballad .
Jake Walden "Alive and Screaming " cd review
The first time I heard Jake Walden sing was like watching a beautiful fog rolling across an ocean. I could not help but listen attentively . He was not just singing ; he is a storyteller. He has a voice at times that reminds me of Bruce Springsteen or Joe Cocker. He has a raspy velvety voice .Jake does not merely sing. He wants his audience to feel every emotion that he is singing about .
In Jake’s own words
“I want to be as raw and truthful as I can. When I’m playing a show, I try and engage myself fully with every person, as if it were just our time. If I haven’t made half of the audience cry, not out of sadness, but out of hope, then I haven’t done my job, or lived up to my dream. I am trying to inspire them to remember what it is they are seeking.“
I have not had the pleasure of seeing Jake perform live but if his “Alive and Screaming “ cd hasme in tears ; not just of sadness; but of hope for better days ahead I can only imagine how he blows away any live audience .
“Alive and Screaming” is 12 tracks of emotive storytelling . Although I love the entire cd ; I have my personal favourites of which are “For Someone” “Come Along” “The Storm” and “We are”
Jake has a new EP to be released September 29 which includes “Bleeding Love “; previous hit of Leona Lewis as a duet with Bonnie Somerville; who sounds like a cross between Bonnie Tyler and Carla Bonoff. Both the cd and ep are available on itunes and amazon.
Check out Jake Walden on myspace at
http://www.myspace.com/jakewalden
Harsh Words- Harsher Reality
ATTENTION ! I make no apologies with this write up about HIV andAIDS . Sometimes to get a point across ;one has to yell rather than whisper. Although coverage on this subject is not once what it was; it is still out there ; there being everywhere . We need to continue to discuss and not distance ourselves .
“AIDS INFECTED BITCH ! ” Harsh words ;aren’t they ? I heard that this morning when some woman in an alley downtown approached a guy for spare change . Since the acronyms AIDS AND HIV came out years ago ; those infected and affected have been suffering with the stigma attached . Almost 30 years later I doubt most people know what AIDS and HIV stand for . I don’t even know if they teach it in school on a wide basis . AIDS is Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and HIV is human immunodeficiency virus which most scientist believes leads to AIDS . There are so many people in the world who are infected and many more who may not or do not know. There is a very big misconception that AIDS and HIV are a disease of gay men, drug users, or “easy women ” . I have heard and seen so many definitions for AIDS which are really disgusting and I won’t even state them fully. One I hear so often is for AIDS -Another Infected D@@@ Sucker . Thats disgusting and just shows how uneducated and crass people can be. There are literally millions of orphans ; mostly in Africa ; who have lost one or both parents to AIDS.
There has been a slowdown on news concerning AIDS and HIV because either A) people lack interest B) think it will never touch their lives or C) they don ‘t like to hear bad news. Bad news is a reality and if we think we can shelter ourselves and our children from it; we are really doing a disservice. To me; Common Sense dictates compassion. We don ‘t need to know how people got infected or judge them on their moral fibre. We have to support them and learn what we need to know .
We are getting a local AIDS Outreach Centre in Cambridge . I know part of some Outreach Programs in other cities involves handing out condoms and clean needles. I also know that some people will give their two cents worth saying things like “Sure ! Promote bad behaviour ” or “sure give them free stuff -that way they have more money to shoot up ! ” It is not advocating bad behaviour. It is protecting them and is only part of what Outreach Centres do. They also educate .
People living with HIV and AIDS are sometimes made to feel like social outcasts which only adds to the stress . I am hoping to stop by the Outreach Program and welcome them to the city. Compassion goes along way . No; I am not on a soapbox . I know people who have HIV or AIDS and I knew people who had it. I will freely give them hugs and feel no different. Fear is the enemy . Compassion can cure.
“AIDS INFECTED BITCH ! ” Harsh words ;aren’t they ? I heard that this morning when some woman in an alley downtown approached a guy for spare change . Since the acronyms AIDS AND HIV came out years ago ; those infected and affected have been suffering with the stigma attached . Almost 30 years later I doubt most people know what AIDS and HIV stand for . I don’t even know if they teach it in school on a wide basis . AIDS is Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome and HIV is human immunodeficiency virus which most scientist believes leads to AIDS . There are so many people in the world who are infected and many more who may not or do not know. There is a very big misconception that AIDS and HIV are a disease of gay men, drug users, or “easy women ” . I have heard and seen so many definitions for AIDS which are really disgusting and I won’t even state them fully. One I hear so often is for AIDS -Another Infected D@@@ Sucker . Thats disgusting and just shows how uneducated and crass people can be. There are literally millions of orphans ; mostly in Africa ; who have lost one or both parents to AIDS.
There has been a slowdown on news concerning AIDS and HIV because either A) people lack interest B) think it will never touch their lives or C) they don ‘t like to hear bad news. Bad news is a reality and if we think we can shelter ourselves and our children from it; we are really doing a disservice. To me; Common Sense dictates compassion. We don ‘t need to know how people got infected or judge them on their moral fibre. We have to support them and learn what we need to know .
We are getting a local AIDS Outreach Centre in Cambridge . I know part of some Outreach Programs in other cities involves handing out condoms and clean needles. I also know that some people will give their two cents worth saying things like “Sure ! Promote bad behaviour ” or “sure give them free stuff -that way they have more money to shoot up ! ” It is not advocating bad behaviour. It is protecting them and is only part of what Outreach Centres do. They also educate .
People living with HIV and AIDS are sometimes made to feel like social outcasts which only adds to the stress . I am hoping to stop by the Outreach Program and welcome them to the city. Compassion goes along way . No; I am not on a soapbox . I know people who have HIV or AIDS and I knew people who had it. I will freely give them hugs and feel no different. Fear is the enemy . Compassion can cure.
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