It was early morning May 30 2009 when I woke up much earlier
than usual. I remember the red l.e.d lights on the clock radio showing
5:47 a.m. I was restless the night before and don't even recall sleeping.
I had always left the computer on; with speaker volume all the way up. I kept it on for a few reasons, but primarily for a few of the MSN groups I was a part of or moderated.
I would hear the "ping" of someone messaging me. These were not chat rooms like some wrongly assume I partook of. That is another bone of contention with me; being gay men frequently lurk and maneuver about "chat rooms" but that is not a discussion for here.
Though I do not remember sleeping the prior evening; I do not recall hearing any "pings".
If I didn't sleep; why did I not hear them?
I sat on my window sill, which was wide and deep enough to sit and see my computer.
PING
Clear as a bell.
On the screen were several other messages sent to me prior to this latest ping.
Some of you may have heard me talk; some say incessantly about my friend Cody or Cody's Story.
This is about him.
The latest ping was from Cody's brother. Brian.
"Joe. Cody killed himself last night"
It sounded so cold to me the way Brian typed it, but then; how else could he have said it.
It would still be a devastating loss and I know how close Cody and Brian were; especially after Cody came out gay to his parents. I had a feeling what Cody had already done; even before Brian typed it to me.
Two of the previous messages on my screen were from Cody, sent the night before he killed himself.
"Joe. I know it’s late. My dad is kicking me out for good tonight. My mom’s letting it happen. I have nowhere to go. I guess you’re not home"
I was home.
Why hadn't I heard the pings when the messages came?
Second message from Cody. Sent only 11 minutes later.
"All my stuff is on the street. Dad threw it out. Mom says I can stay just tonight. Why do you have to live so far away? XO.bye"
The word "bye" hit home and that's when I imagine Cody snuck into his mother’s room and took a handful of her pills.
Cody like myself never said "bye"
It was always "cya"
How I felt then; I couldn't even put words too
Now I think it was that I failed him. I felt guilt, remorse, loss, anger, confused, betrayed and as far as thinking I hated him.
I spent the majority of the day in my pajama bottoms; standing in the shower with the hottest water my skin could bear washing over me.
It was then I wrote...
"Sometimes I shower three or four times a day
It's not that I need them, but they wash the tears away
My tears blend with the water so no one sees my pain
If tears come back, I will just shower again"
That poem I did share with you but never said where and when the words and the emotions in those words came to fruition.
That same day I wrote a poem for Cody. Writing it helped me heal and now I think it is about time I share it with you.
I sang it at the time; loudly in the shower; hoping with all hope that I would not hear myself sobbing or realizing I was about to lose it.
If you have not read Cody's Story; please do.
If you have; please read it again.
Homophobia from parents is still a major contributor of youths who are in conflict or questioning their own sexuality.
I also found that with my friendship with Cody; that though it was a friendship at arm’s length-hearts connected can still hurt.
Though he was in the Midwest of America and I living in suburbia Ontario Canada; it didn't soften the blow.
Though I myself never say goodbye I call this poem or song...
Goodbye my friend
Goodbye my friend
Until we meet again
Our paths will cross again
Of that I'm sure
Goodbye my friend; though you're not here
A great friend you were and that is clear
We stayed up late ;had much to say
Until that fateful day.
I miss you.
My heart is sore
I wish I could have helped you more
Goodbye my friend
This is not the end
In Heaven ; I know you'll be at peace
Where pain and hatred cease
Goodbye my friend
I miss my friend
Journey on.
I had always left the computer on; with speaker volume all the way up. I kept it on for a few reasons, but primarily for a few of the MSN groups I was a part of or moderated.
I would hear the "ping" of someone messaging me. These were not chat rooms like some wrongly assume I partook of. That is another bone of contention with me; being gay men frequently lurk and maneuver about "chat rooms" but that is not a discussion for here.
Though I do not remember sleeping the prior evening; I do not recall hearing any "pings".
If I didn't sleep; why did I not hear them?
I sat on my window sill, which was wide and deep enough to sit and see my computer.
PING
Clear as a bell.
On the screen were several other messages sent to me prior to this latest ping.
Some of you may have heard me talk; some say incessantly about my friend Cody or Cody's Story.
This is about him.
The latest ping was from Cody's brother. Brian.
"Joe. Cody killed himself last night"
It sounded so cold to me the way Brian typed it, but then; how else could he have said it.
It would still be a devastating loss and I know how close Cody and Brian were; especially after Cody came out gay to his parents. I had a feeling what Cody had already done; even before Brian typed it to me.
Two of the previous messages on my screen were from Cody, sent the night before he killed himself.
"Joe. I know it’s late. My dad is kicking me out for good tonight. My mom’s letting it happen. I have nowhere to go. I guess you’re not home"
I was home.
Why hadn't I heard the pings when the messages came?
Second message from Cody. Sent only 11 minutes later.
"All my stuff is on the street. Dad threw it out. Mom says I can stay just tonight. Why do you have to live so far away? XO.bye"
The word "bye" hit home and that's when I imagine Cody snuck into his mother’s room and took a handful of her pills.
Cody like myself never said "bye"
It was always "cya"
How I felt then; I couldn't even put words too
Now I think it was that I failed him. I felt guilt, remorse, loss, anger, confused, betrayed and as far as thinking I hated him.
I spent the majority of the day in my pajama bottoms; standing in the shower with the hottest water my skin could bear washing over me.
It was then I wrote...
"Sometimes I shower three or four times a day
It's not that I need them, but they wash the tears away
My tears blend with the water so no one sees my pain
If tears come back, I will just shower again"
That poem I did share with you but never said where and when the words and the emotions in those words came to fruition.
That same day I wrote a poem for Cody. Writing it helped me heal and now I think it is about time I share it with you.
I sang it at the time; loudly in the shower; hoping with all hope that I would not hear myself sobbing or realizing I was about to lose it.
If you have not read Cody's Story; please do.
If you have; please read it again.
Homophobia from parents is still a major contributor of youths who are in conflict or questioning their own sexuality.
I also found that with my friendship with Cody; that though it was a friendship at arm’s length-hearts connected can still hurt.
Though he was in the Midwest of America and I living in suburbia Ontario Canada; it didn't soften the blow.
Though I myself never say goodbye I call this poem or song...
Goodbye my friend
Goodbye my friend
Until we meet again
Our paths will cross again
Of that I'm sure
Goodbye my friend; though you're not here
A great friend you were and that is clear
We stayed up late ;had much to say
Until that fateful day.
I miss you.
My heart is sore
I wish I could have helped you more
Goodbye my friend
This is not the end
In Heaven ; I know you'll be at peace
Where pain and hatred cease
Goodbye my friend
I miss my friend
Journey on.
Cody's Story can be read in its entirety here : http://joelethbridge.blogspot.ca/2010/01/codys-story.html
unfortunately I am unable to post the audio here. Once I post it to facebook I will provide the link.
No comments:
Post a Comment