Hiatus ?

Today after I wrote ; I set down my pen and wondered if I had anything more to write about . I had told my friends story ;as I had promised him. I had written a few other poems and stories for friend in Europe . I often will send my writing to a few people who have taken an interest in what I would write about.

It wasn’t long ago that I really wished to have enough writing to fill a book . I do . It’s all in one book which no one has bought yet . I would be happy if even one person would buy it . It would make me feel like I achieved something .

People tell me I achieve a lot just by writing . I know my writing can cause people to laugh or cry and sometimes question their own perceptions. That is what I aim for when I write. Sometimes now if I have a lapse in writing; people will email me or message me or some will even call me and say “Where is your writing ?” I cant write anytime . I need someone or something that inspires me to write about them or it .

I need to take a break from writing . I don’t know when I will be back with pen in hand and tears in my eyes . I cry a lot when I write because writing is not a simple act of writing down words. When I write them down; it is like walking down memory lane; which is not always pleasant but its been a journey I have always had to take . With each word I can see the person I am writing about , I can almost feel the emotions they felt and relayed to me. I can smell the flowers as though I was still dancing around the campfire.

I keep everything I write and when I have time I go back and read it to myself . Its not always easy to read what I wrote . It was not always easy either to write what I wrote. For those of you who have continually asked me “why bother writing -there’s no money in it ? “ ; “Writings lame -a monkey can do it “ I say to them . Put your money where your mouth is . It isn’t that easy . I have posted three notes on face book today .Below is what I wrote earlier today

I choked up . All I could manage to say was "I ..." and then I quickly added; "..forgot what I was going to say " I'm such a dork at times.

I think it has always been difficult for me to tell people I care about; how I feel. I think maybe that is why I write as much as I do . I think everything I write about has some aspect of me in it. Some people who read my writing think it is all made up and a work of fiction. Maybe some is but somewhere in each poem or piece of prose I write is something about me. Something I can’t or won’t bring myself to let them know .

Take last night for instance . I had a dream yet again ; a familiar dream of dancing in the same field of tall fragrant lavender ; slighty blowing in the warm breezes . I could hear music all around me . The sky was filled of stars ;so many shooting stars around me . The song stopped playing and I looked at my dance partner ; the same one as in all my dreams . Yet; something was different. In previous dreams ;all I could see was a face with eyes always shut and a mouth that neither smiled or frowned. Last night when I dreamed ; my partner had a face I recognized . Eyes ,dark brown . A mouth that smiled.

“what were you waiting for Joe ; I’ve always been here-all you had to do was open YOUR eyes “ ; he emphasised your “ You may have thought it was me who had my eyes shut all the time but even though yours were open you didn’t see around you what was really going on and important. Do you SEE what I am talking about Joe ?”

I woke up, rolled out of bed and had my morning coffee; forgetting the moment I woke up about the dream.
It wasn’t until I was finished in the shower and fixed up my hair ; or as some call it “nice messed up hair” I like my hair looking messy . No amount of gel is too much . I looked in the mirror to finish up the hair and remembered the dream .

I went back to the bed sitting room and wrote it down. I had no idea what it meant at first ; but eventually I did; or at least I think I do. I saw the face of my dance partner . The brown eyes I looked into were my own .

I will admit that I have never loved myself ; but lately I am liking who I am . Its not a vanity thing at all. When I look around and see other people or read stories in the news ; I am not that bad .

I am going to miss that dream of my faceless dance partner . The sweet smell of lavender.. The slight breezes blowing across the field. Maybe now is the time to go find the real one . I like me ; maybe others do to .

I will continue to write and in piece will be a piece of me. If I write of far off places ;I have probably been there in my dreams or hope to be in reality . If I write of a friend ; I wrote about him because I deeply cared and continue too . I am in the words I write. It’s kind of like Where’s Waldo ?

As for now I will look for inspiration around me . I know there is some to be found. I did what I promised for “C” .