Legacy of "C" complete

I don’t even recall now looking back at it where I happened to meet “c” . I say “meet” although I never met him on a face to face basis . It must have been in a chat room on yahoo or somewhere. . He had messaged me and said he had seen some of my writing online . It was back in early March or April of this year. I was already going through my own stuff with my job soon coming to an end . Things were looking bleak . I have to be open and honest here as I think it will explain itself further into this story. I was into S.I which is self injury . I had been cutting myself on the arm and occasionally on my chest. It wasn’t long after I got to knowing and talking to “C’ that I put things into perspective I would learn that “C”’s life was far more depressing than my own . It hadn’t started off that way but soon spiralled down . “C” is the youngest of two boys . He always excelled in school ;volunteered before and after school and weekends and had been recently accepted into a University . His parents were middle class working folk. From what he tells me a typical Midwest family. He went to church every Sunday with them and his brother. “C” ,19 years old seemed to be from a Hallmark card . Then we started to talk . We talked about music and his love of playing the piano and writing music . “I’d sooner play the piano than do sports Joe; I really suck at them “ he said . Not everyone likes sports . I don’t like them myself. He’d ask me about why I write and when did I know I liked to do it so much . I told him I had always kept notes or a small journal but it had only been recently that I have stuck with it for any extended period of time. We would chat pretty well every night or we would email each other . Once in a while he would text me. “Good Morning distant friend-thank you “ is how he began his emails . He would tell me how his day was going and any plans for the weekend. I replied with pretty well the same information . One night he was particularly quiet . I almost had to pry a Hello out of him . I asked him if he was okay . “Joe; I have to tell you something but I don’t want you to get upset or stop talking to me” “C” The only way I will stop talking is if you ask me too “ I replied “Ummm I’m gay” I thought maybe he would have thought I would have hesitated in answering but I didn’t . “Yeah . And ?” I simply replied . “and it doesn’t bother you Joe ?” “I’m not a fan of labelling people “C” didn’t you read my poem ? “ “Yeah but I thought that was just a story -me being gay doesn’t bother you ?” I remembered him telling me back a few months ago how close knit his family were . I didn’t even think before I said what I did next . “C” you are so lucky your family is so accepting . Some people have such a hard time coming out “ “They don’t know Joe , I haven’t told them yet. Should I ? “ “C” you have to do what is right for you . Hey - You were open and honest with me . I’m sure you can tell your parents too “ I said -although at times I still regret saying it . “ I will -just not now . So how was your day Joe ? “ I felt he didn’t want to talk about it and I didn’t want to press the matter any further. The next few weeks were just general discussions about him going off to University in the fall and my everyday activities . I used to laugh at him when he would say “ I just messaged you but you must have been out getting coffee AGAIN -lmao “ He knew I had a fascination with coffee and going to the various cafes in town . Some people will differ in opinion when I say this but friendship can cross miles and you still seem to know the person . Sure ; you can’t give them a reassuring hug but other than that ; there is a bond-if you let it happen . “Can I ask you something sort of personal Joe ? “ he asked me a few weeks later “sure you can “C” ;ask me what ever you want ? “ “What does gay mean to you ? “ I dreaded the question . I have always had an issue with terminology concerning sexuality . I have never based any relationship primarily on sex . To me homosexuality infers sex with men if you are a man or sex with women if you are a woman I will explain it like this . I know I can lie naked in a bed with either a man or a woman ; however ; I need an emotional attachment to that person . To me pure love is non-gender specific. Some people think a skirt the issue with that answer. It is truthfully how I feel. If you ask three different people you are likely to get three different answers. The lasted definition I found is “ a person who has sexual and affection attractions predominantly to the same gender.” I’m sorry but labels belong on soup cans - not people . I have always judged a person on their character of who they are rather that what label has been attached . I answered him with “ I know I can lie naked in a bed with either a man or a woman ; however ; I need an emotional attachment to that person . To me pure love is non-gender specific. “ "that’s kind of how I feel about it to Joe ; why does everyone make it sound so dirty ? " he answered back “Not everyone C and I am not everyone “ I said "I'm glad your not everyone Joe--Hey do you ever feel down ?" "Yes "C" I think pretty well everyone has been down " "How did you deal with it ? " he asked I wasn’t going to lie to him. "I did a lot of crying- I was angry and hurt . I yelled and screamed and lie curled up on a bathroom floor for hours and I wrote down how I was feeling " I did however leave the part out about me hurting myself. I knew C was in a vulnerable spot . " I cry a lot too - I cried before I told my parents and am crying now . Maybe I will write it down too - but I am tired ok- I will talk to you tomorrow " “Hey C do you talk to anyone other than me about how you are feeling ? “ I asked I knew as much as I liked talking to him I couldn’t help him with me being here and him being there . “I talk to my counsellor at school Joe - I’m fine . I am going to tell my parents tomorrow. And then his familiar good night “Good night distant friend and Thank you “ “good night C -talk to you tomorrow -sleep well “ I clicked the mouse button closing down MSN messenger and then wept. I was worried how his parents would react. During the last while he had told me although they were a close knit family ; he said it was more about how his parents wanted them all to be perceived . That scared me . The next day : C was really quiet again . Once ; writing about everything-from a new song he had discovered to the "sweet guy" that just moved into his neighbourhood . He had grown quiet. "Are you okay C " I asked simply " I told my parents -they freaked ; my brothers okay with it ; he said he kind of figured as much " It was heart-wrenching to read what he was saying . I couldn't see if he were crying or not but I sensed that he was . "My dad just lost it Joe. He threw a lamp against the wall and left the house just screaming "My son the fag ! No son of mine will be a fag - He went out onto the street still yelling it " I asked him "How is your Mom with it ?" "Mom's just so quiet ; she hasn't said anything yet but she will ; I'm her little angel that does no wrong " I let "C'" talk . I listened only to answer if he had any questions . “My friends don’t even know yet Joe . How are they going to react ? “ “I don’t know your friends C but if they are real friends it shouldn’t make a difference to them . They should love you for who you are -who you always were.” “I hope so Joe but I have to go eat -ttyl “ click . He signed off . It had been three or four days since I heard from C ;either on messenger or email . I had sent him an email two days after we had talked but I never got a response. Then he signed on : “Hey Joe - how are you . I am sorry I haven’t been online the past few days . I am trying to deal with this. How is your writing coming along ? You should write a story about my personal hell -LOL JK “ I didn’t find that at all funny . To me he was in the midst of a personal hell . I had wondered what went on the last few days . “ I told some of my friends today Joe -some were real assholes about it but some are okay with it . My friend Rob was joking around about it saying “Sweet -now I have a date fro the prom and Joe I may take him up on the offer-lol “ I have always thought that it isn’t the quantity of friends you have but rather the quality of the ones you do have . I have never had huge amounts of friends but the ones I do have ; I love dearly . “If my own parents don’t care about me-who does ? “ I may have stepped over the line a bit but everyone needs to know I loved . “ C ; I care about and I love you as a friend . “ I stated “Maybe your parents just need time to think it all through “ “I think they did already . Today at church they wouldn’t sit with me. My dad made a lameass excuse and said he had to sit at the back of the church because it was cooler . Other people moved when I sat down beside them too . “ I was pissed hearing this . My friend went to church every Sunday; believing and knowing that his Maker was of goodness, love and acceptance; while others in his church leered or moved seats just to be away from him. It sickened me. Where was there compassion that the Lord teaches . “Joe, I am getting sick of hearing “No son of mine is a fag ! . Today my brother got in my dad’s face and told him to stop . My dad flipped and said to my bro “What are you a fag now too . My mom hardly says anything to me and she won’t tell Dad to stop . Okay enough about me Joe . What’s up ? “ “Not a whole lot C “ I said “ just looking for work and doing my writing to keep me busy . I may go out for my birthday next weekend “ “Oh yeah your birthdays on the 31st right . I am writing something for you Joe . I will email on your birthday” It was May 31 st -My birthday . There on messenger popped up “C” “Hey C how are you today ?” I asked “ Joe this is C’s brother . " I am sorry but my brothers funeral was yesterday" I completely lost it . I can only imagine how his brother felt . C’s one true ally through it all . I didn’t want to hear anymore and there was no way I could ask questions but his brother let me know that C had taken his own life the day before. Not because people didn't tolerate him ;rather because he was not accepted for who he was and was meant to be. I will be honest here . It has been 2 days since I wrote the last paragraph here. Writing this all down from my MSN chat log and emails is almost like reliving it again ; but C needs to be known . There were to be no more chats with C . May 29th C felt he couldn’t take anymore . I still have the emails he sent me ;from which this legacy is written from . A week or so ago I received a parcel in the mail from C which his brother had sent me. I have talked to “C”s brother off and on since May and he had expressed his own guilt over it . “C” had told me that he had never told his brother at first because he didn’t want his bother to feel the same “wrath of his parents “ as he did . “C” loved his brother so much. I don’t think there was ever a time I talked to “C” that he didn’t sing the praises of his brother. He loved his brother unconditionally ; just as C wanted to be loved . I opened the duo tang that was in the bubble wrap envelope and started to read . It was handwritten with little doodles drawn in each corner. I started to read and recalled the exact words I had spoken and he had spoken on MSN messenger . He had written or maybe saved the MSN chat log and had written down some of the jokes we told each other . His response for every blonde joke was “I dunno let me ask Britney “ I remember the one time he said “ hey Joe you gotta see this to get the full effect ; accept my webcam invite” There he was somewhere in the Midwest USA standing in front of his cam , t-shirt pulled up above his belly button making it look like he had a halter top on ; dancing like a fool . That was his Britney imitation. It was a two way street . He made me laugh when I thought I couldn’t and I did the same for him . I went back to reading what I received. I had to stop and wipe my eyes . I had sent him a few links to places my poems were posted and wrote him a personalized one . I told him I always write to get things off my chest and maybe he could do the same . He said he couldn’t write ; but what I was reading through glossy eyes said different. He wrote : This is for your birthday Joe : “They say family is blood and kin But what you mean to me, I don’t know where to begin You may be far away from here But in my thoughts and prayers you are so near ……… “ The poem went on but I will not say everything that was said in it . There were eleven pages of writing he did. He had written some things that he never got to tell me . He had written ideas on how he wanted to change the world and peoples negative views of others. He wanted to tell others his stories because he said there were a lot more in the world “trying to deal -so try to set people straight Joe -people are people and love is love , Don‘t they get it ?” Sorry C but a lot of people go around with blinders on ; not to upset their own perfect little world. “C” was only 19 but he was smarter than most people two or three times his age. He had listed things he wanted to do by the time he was 20 and 30 and 40 years old . He never made it to 20 . He did achieve a lot in his life; more so than a lot of other people . He was accepting of everyone regardless !! He volunteered before and after school and on weekends. He was a giver ; never asking anything in return . When he came out he was only asking for acceptance. Most never gave him that . “Joe I don’t know you but and it might be weird but umm after talking to you for awhile I love you as a person so don’t freak on me okay “ I had to laugh out loud when I read that . I get the same reaction sometimes when I tell my guy friends I love them . Its like I get a “WHOA down boy ! “ when I say that . Love is Love and love is an attraction of the heart -not the loins. Its not my issue if you take it in a manner other than I mean . “C” had written a lot and I had learned a lot . On the last page “C” wrote “Joe I hope you don’t think our talks and emails are not just all about me even though I talk about me . They are about both of us. There’s more in the world than just me “ I know “C” is not here anymore but I know his impact he made on me remains .“C” I know I never met you and it might be weird but after talking to you and writing you like we did; I love you too ; just don’t freak on me . Like you said Love is an attraction of the heart and man you had so much to give . C" did write it down . It tore my soul to bits and made me want to scream too. I can only imagine how "C" felt living the way others made him to feel . "C" you are not "the bottom of the gene pool " you are not a "waste of sperm " You are not "second rate " The energy people wasted on you in using vile names and actions against you is sickening This man ;great man did more than many others in his 19 years of life without looking for recognition for doing so. He just wanted to be recognized as a man who loved with his heart-100%. You are and were a class act . I love and miss you . Open Letter to C . I remember back in April when you asked me “ How is your writing coming along ? You should write a story about my personal hell -LOL JK and then when I read all your papers again and you told me to tell people your story ; I knew I had to . This is probably one of the hardest things to share. We shared a lot online and via email . You sent me that goofy picture of you in your Britney pose and you said it could be my “comic relief” . “C” I never took you as a joke . However I do have the picture sitting just above my computer . People soon have to realize and get it through their heads. Not everyone is going to be like them . That is why we are individuals . I learned so much from you . Others could have learned so much from you . I have written this so even one person may get it. Being who you are is not a bad thing . Your heart beat the same . You cared just the same ;if not more. Even through his whole ordeal of coming out ; you were there for me . YES . We were there for each other, exactly how friendship works . Thank You C for being who you were and who you are . Your story has been told . I hope you are at peace . Good night my distant friend Joe xo