This is for you "C"

This is a first installment for me of "The Legacy of "C" " A bit of background . "C" was an online friend of mine from the US of A - location is irrelevant as "C" could be any other young person out there. What I and he thought was important was his story. He told me in an instant message after he read some of my poems . "hey Joe -write a story about my situation. It doesnt have to be about me. It can be about anyone else out there . Someones got to clue in . I'm still the same "C" .

As much as I am open about so many things and sometimes write things down ;some people still think I am sharing too much of myself. I have not shared as much as my friend "C" had. He was open and honest with his parents and friends . Most of them did not accept this. "C" was always who he was . It was the label that society gave him . Once he came out as gay alot of people forgot WHO he was and focused on the WHAT. His heart still beat the same . He cared just the same ;if not more. Even through his whole ordeal of coming out ; he was still there for me . YES . We were there for each other, exactly how friendship works .

Are you there for your friends when they are feeling low ? I hope so. That is when we need each other the most .

As part of my training for a volunteer position I am doing we covered sexuality and lifestyle issues. I know it is never easy for someone to come out and say "I'm Gay " . Some people feel the need to come out gay while others choose not to. Every circumstance is different. "C" was openly honest and felt that he didn't want to hide. Even before he came out ; he had asked me my opinion. I told him that had to be a personal decision as I didn't know his history or background at that point in time . He was an honour student ; a volunteer in his community. He had never been in trouble in his life but when he decided to come out ; none of that mattered anymore . He was no longer "C" he was now treated as dirt by so many people . People who should have been his biggest supporters.

"C" I said " You have to do what is right for you . " It was a few weeks later that I had noticed a change in his demeanor on chat. Once ; writing about everything-from a new song he had discovered to the "sweet guy" that just moved into his neighborhood . He had grown quiet.

"Are you okay C " i asked simply

" I told my parents -they freaked ; my brothers okay with it ; he said he kind of figured as much "

It was heart-wrenching to read what he was saying . I couldn't see if he were crying or not but I sensed that he was .

"My dad just lost it Joe. He threw a lamp agains the wall and left the house just screaming "My son the fag ! No son of mine will be a fag - He went out onto the street still yelling it "

I asked him "How is your Mom with it ?"

"Mom's just so quiet ; she hasn't said anything yet but she will ; I'm her little angel that does no wrong "

I let "C'" talk . I listened only to answer if he had any questions .

"Do you know any gay people Joe ? "

"Sure I do "C" I know quite a few "

"Whats gay mean to you Joe ? " I dreaded the question . I have always had an issue with terminology concerning sexuality . I have never based any relationship primarily on sex . To me homosexuality infers sex with men. I will explain it like this . I know I can lie naked in a bed with either a man or a woman ; however ; I need an emotional attachment to that person . To me pure love is non-gender specific. Some people think a skirt the issue with that answer. It is truthfully how I feel.

"thats kind of how I feel about it to Joe ; why does everyone make it sound so dirty ? "

"Not everyone does "C" I answered "and I am not everyone "

"I'm glad your not Joe--Hey do you ever feel down ?"

Not long before I started talking to "C" I was in the midst of depression but I wasn't going to tell him that then but I did answer "Yes "C" I think pretty well everyone has been down "

"How did you deal with it ? " he asked

"I did alot of crying- I was angry and hurt . I yelled and screamed and lie curled up on a bathroom floor for hours and I wrote down how I was feeling "

" I cry alot too - I cried before I told my parents and am crying now . Maybe I will write it down too - but I am tired ok- I will talk to you tommorow "

"C" did write it down . It tore my soul to bits and made me want to scream too. I can only imagine how "C" felt living the way others made him to feel .

"C" you are not "the bottom of the gene pool " you are not a "waste of sperm " You are not "second rate " The energy people wasted on you in using vile names and actions against you is sickening.

You are and were a class act . I love and miss you .