Lost in so many thoughts

Sometimes when I write these notes and post them onto my page; I will go back and read them over . Sometimes when I read them ; I know people will read into them what they want regardless of what I was writing. I know I can be a hard person to understand with my random videos and status updates but its all a part of who I am. For those of you who don't really know me but only know of my "character" on here I will share a bit with you. I am in love with the thought of Love; finding love,falling in love and hopefully staying in love and having all those reciprocated. I fall in love with good people-with good hearts regardless of what's in their pants . I like slow dancing-star filled nights-hot air balloons drifting by-sunsets-sunrises-wishing on shooting stars. I have slow danced with a guy just because he knew how much I loved to slow dance. I have danced under a star filled ;cool spring sky. I have gone to a barren field ; lay on the ground and stared off into space wondering-hoping I could change places with a star just for one night. I have wished on shooting stars ; hoping upon hope that one comes true. I don't have a huge circle of friends ; nor do I really want to. I find it hard to give 100% to my friends if I have an abundance of them ;so I hold my closest friends near to my heart. The notes I post on here are mostly for them and my family who really know who I am . To them I am a who ; not a what . They know ; and without question accept me. I know who I am; but if someone asked me "Joe What are you ?" I wouldn't know the answer. I am just a person who loves good people with good hearts; regardless of their parts. Over the past two years I have literally felt like the bottom had dropped out. My marriage ended ; my best friend at the time took off under cover of darkness without a goodbye or reason behind it. My coping mechanisms were shot . Ashamed yet unashamedly at the same time I admit to doing some bad shit to my body. I cut myself ;always the left arm. Looking back I think I cut that arm because it led to my heart. As morbid as it sounds; I have a picture of my arm that I will look at when and if the urge comes back. My arm feels like leather now . I see it everyday . If I have my dreams of falling in love ; dancing under the stars or just laying in a field looking at the stars while clasping hands with a great friend who loves and appreciates the who I am without caring what people think of him-I have hope. No one can take that away from me but me.