Letter to a Friend

I never got the chance to tell you that you were the thread that held me all together. Now I feel like I am unraveling again . I would be lying to myself and to everyone if I said I didn’t cry about you anymore . I don’t cry as much as I did in the beginning but I do still cry. I don’t throw out photographs so I still have all of them of you with goofy faces or the big beaming smile that lit up the room when you made you entrance. I still have the Christmas gift I was going to give you last year . I still remember looking everywhere to find what I wanted to get you . You were not an easy person to shop for . I let on that I am over this and have moved on . It’s never easy to let go. If anyone says that then they are lying. I still look outside my bathroom window sometimes when I am fixing up my hair and still think I see you in the driveway ‘ leaning with one leg bent up against the wall crying . Your face is buried deep inside your hands but once in awhile you look up and see me crying along with you . We parted ways without really knowing why . I have forgiven you but I find it impossible to forgive myself . I don’t know if I did or said something to drive you away . It makes it more difficult when people are telling me to get over it and move on . I tried; I really did . Most people don’t know that I write as much as I do is because of you . I have always written but not as much as I do now. I think part of it is to get away from thinking about you. The other reason I write is because I remember you writing me ; what you called “happy notes “ . You always knew when I was down on myself or just need a kick in the ass once in awhile . No one really understood our friendship . There was always rumours and innuendo and being the goofs that we are ; we played it up just so they could think they were right. We knew who we were and we didn’t have to prove it to anyone. I have a few friends since you left but I find it hard to get close to anyone . I am not as open with anyone like I was with you . It isn’t fair for me to make comparisons between you and the other friends I have and had. I choose not to have more than one good friend at a time . I like to give 100% . If I have two good friends I could only give 50% to each . I know I will have the mathematicians on my ass on that one ! You were the one who helped me tear down the walls I intentionally put up between me and others so I wouldn’t get hurt and I couldn’t hurt them . I think the walls are starting to be rebuilt. I am trying to fight closing down again . You knew me almost better than anyone else . When some people think I am the idiotic dancing fool ; you know I am not that way all the time . At most times I am like I am now . Serious and always thinking . We had stopped talking on MSN messenger for awhile because we both agreed it hurt too much . Eventually we did email each other and ended up talking on Messenger every night for the past month or so . You could read me like a book . It was you who called the local authorities there ; who in turn called them here . You knew I was at a low point and was thinking very dark thoughts. At first I was upset that you had the police at my door thinking that if you cared you would not have left the way you did. I later realized you did me the biggest favour in my life ; a favour that maybe if you didn’t call , I wouldn’t be sitting here now writing this . No one is perfect in this world . You were not perfect in how you handled leaving and I was not perfect in handling it and perhaps in saying some of the things we said .

Now it is me who is worried about you . You have not been online for the past 5 nights. You were saying how unhappy you were there and even used some of the same words I did that one dark night . I hope you are doing okay . I love you still .