I went through my journal tonight while laying on my sofa bed . Sometimes I would sooner sleep on that than in my bed . The living room light is off. I have three rice paper lamps that are powered by penlight batteries that are casting shadows around the room. I'm like a kid again . I make shadow puppets with my fingers like two figures dancing. I shift to my left side -two pillows under my head and one between my right arm and side . I flip through my journal and scan through notes and my doodles I draw when I am stuck in thought . Some of my doodles can say alot . I have my little caricature of Mr Saucy Pants; my alter ego and the typical stars and hands entwined-love holding them steadfast . I came across three or four entries that I have never put to page other than my journals . I wondered why I never posted them so I read them again . Some were as difficult to read as they were to write . I am not going to post verbatim what I wrote but some I will share.
"...with the moon shining on my face letting the tears be shown . Your reaction was "Yes Joe; it is beautiful" . I mentioned I would love to dance under the stars with the moon as our spotlight ; like we were the Stars for that one brief night. You said "Okay Let's " I thought you were kidding because I never seen that side of you . I jokingly said "Shut up you goof " and walked away . We could have been stars that night. "
"forbidden love not for us - but in the eyes and cold hearts of others . We walk away from each other "
"Tears of dread fill my head-never to be free-there is no "us" -will never be-"only"you and "merely" me
"Dancing is what makes me happy . I want there to be dancing at my funeral "
" I am writing with a single candle as my light source. Yet I realize nothing is darker than what lurks in mans closed minds "
" You are always at the beginning and end of my dreams -That is what keeps me going "
"when I sleep - I slow dance with an angel ; face not showing . That thought keeps me going "
"tolerance is NEVER enough - thats like saying okay but I don't like it "
"today i bought myself two bouquets of flowers . It was time to treat me "
Those are parts of journal entries written in the past . Our past can impact our future . WE decide what we will do or how we will deal with the past. Below is some writing recently . As I writer I won't say if it's fact or fiction or somewhere in between . You decide.
I thought if I held you and gave you a bigger hug than ever before that you wouldn't go. You never said if you wanted to go or had to go . What hurt was that you were going. You touched my hand that was holding your shoulder so tightly and rubbed it gently . I couldn't look at you . I knew if I did look into your soulful eyes that I would breakdown. " Joe -you know I love you - don't make this any harder for either of us " I shifted my eyes from staring at the floor into eyes ; eyes too that were filled with tears . " I have to do something before I go " I heard Tim McGraw singing "Please Remember Me " and we danced and we cried and we hugged like we had never hugged before. " I have to get going Joe . Are you going to be alright ? " All i could say was " I have to be " I wanted to walk downstairs with you but I knew it would be even harder to see you pull out of the driveway . "Like the song says Joe -Please remember me but this is something I have to do -I don't want to see you or me hurting " One final hug and the door closes . Another door waiting to be opened . I love you and I know I will see you again and I know you will read this . You read everything . You gave me will ! You said WRITE !
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