This morning after going to the local Farmers Market with my sister and my Mom we went back to Moms house. We had our usual tea and coffee and the best jam and walnut tarts my Mom had made early in the morning . We made the usual chit chat and had our laughs.
My cousin came to my Moms door and gave her some old photographs my Aunt had. My aunt is now in a nursing home and her house has been sold. They were cleaning out and new my Mom would want some of the pictures for sentimental reasons. We looked through them and I seen old wedding pictures and pictures from a family reunion . Then I came across some pictures of our dad when he was in London Psychiatric just before he passed away . I became very quiet and quickly scanned through those ones ; but went back through them looking closer.
I never went to the hospital to see him as we very seldom got along . It always seemed I hated him more than the times I didn't . He had his shining moments . I will honest; he was not on the top of my favorite people list . Even though he was the way he was ; he was still my dad. When his funeral came up ; I didn't even want to go but I did. When there was no one around in the room where his coffin rested I slowly walked up to the open coffin and kissed him on the forehead. It must have been static on my shoes but Man ! did I feel a shock through my lips . I don't hate him . There are rare times I do think about him .
During the past year ; at my lowest and I lay down and cried myself to sleep ; it was him that I sometimes saw in my sleep and he'd say gently " Hold on joe- it'll get better I guarantee it " then he was gone. The one person who I thought was neve there for me in his life was there after his death . I didn't want him in my head but I couldn't get him out of it. I had to accept that and move on.
I still don't talk alot about him for a few reasons . One is because I know where he died . Those pictures triggered emotion I didnt want . But we are human so we move on .
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